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Reviews December 2007 |
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Disciplining Dana
(2006)
Anyway, I don’t want to give away any surprises. No spoilers here. I thought it might end in snuff, but they took a totally different direction. Obviously this is for the advanced class, but if you like watching girls get hurt, then you will do so here. Best bit for me was the extras, where-in Julie and Aiden weave some hairy tales. “I was at Bound, in DC, and a friend of mine came up to me and said, ‘I need you to tie this guy up, because I’m going to light him on fire'…” Stuff like that. Demented out-take reel, too! -Sleaze
Big Tit Patrol 5
The fact that she has really, really big tits helps, too. – King Baboon Tarantula
Suthern
Cumfort
-Hero *Show-off. - Sleaze
License to Blow (2007)
License to Blow 2
(2007)
– King Baboon Tarantula
Dracula’s Dirty Daughter
-Hero
Ultra
Violett
White - Selina Draagen is a brunette in a white dress in a white room. She appears innocent enough with that tall and slender frame. Oh, no…hold up a second. Yeah, see the way she’s bent over there? Do you notice how that guy is ramming her from behind? Yeah, there’s nothing innocent about that. Green – Nautica Thorn has the best name for a porn star, doesn’t she? Maybe the green is supposed to represent envy, and that could be true because I’m kind of jealous that Nautica gets to play mean with Franchezca Valentina in this emerald scene. Is there anything hotter than two gorgeous girls standing face-to-face, holding each other by the hair, and mercilessly finger fucking each other? No, no there’s not. Red – I can hear sirens, so I’m tempted to surmise that Lielani and Brooke Banner are in some basement of a warehouse in the red light district. But the way these two take turns being double-teamed, it could be that they’re trapped in pornography purgatory for all eternity. Somehow I don’t think they mind. Purple – Fishnet is supposed to give a girl nice curves, make her look hot, right? That must be why Leah Jaye is wearing a full body fishnet suit then, even though it’s not working at all. I liked it better when I associated purple with the color of my cock. Blue –Wait, Faith Leon is in the white room, the same room Selina was in. What’s going on here? Do you mean to tell me that it was just fancy lighting and filters this whole time? Well I’ll be damned. The point is, raunchy sex is raunchy sex, no matter how you dress it up. Cum is white, pussies are pink…you get the idea. There’s something for everyone on the porno spectrum, and you should be able to find something for you in Ultra Violett. -Hero
Sweet Spread (1984) “Still as much of a cunt as she always was…”
So, yes, Sweet Spread is fundamentally retarded – there’s no arguing that. But that’s never been any reason to not watch porn, since bone-deep stupidity is usually the earmark of watchable smut. Chances are, you’re gonna fast forward through all the knuckleheaded chitchat (and the endless and mysterious cutaways to a woman in a trenchcoat walking windy New York streets) anyway and head straight to the screwing, which is textbook no-nonsense ‘80s raunch (oral sex, two positions, and pop shot). So if you’re a fan of Reagan-era porn, you’ve got nothing to lose by watching Sweet Spread. If you stop to listen to the dialogue, however, you’re on your own. The DVD includes a gallery of stills from various VXP titles and trailers for the Amero Bros.’ Every Inch a Woman and MisBehaving with Gloria Leonard, Leslie Bovee, and Sonny (Predator) Landham. An interview with Ron Jeremy, in which he discusses fake cumshots and the art of blowing himself, rounds out the extra special extras. – King Baboon Tarantula
Skinn
Kandi “Where I come from, this is called a favour.”
-Hero
Amy Fisher Caught on
Tape
Of course, many of us remember Amy mostly because of the three TV movies that telecasted her sordid story in the 90’s. One starred Drew Barrymore (a huge stretch), one starred Alyssa Milano (another cavernous leap, although she at least got the hair color and accent sorta right), and one pseudo-starred some other chick who actually looked just like her. Significantly, no one remembers that one. Anyway, Amy did her time (although Mary-Jo’s paralyzed face probably thinks differently) so apparently it’s now ok for her to milk her notoriety for a few bucks. I am 100% sure Joey Buttafuoco would have co-starred with her in this if she asked, but she’s got some other old creepy guy to bone now. Said guy is her ex-husband, Lou Bellera, who sold the sex tapes to Red Light Video, home of the Paris Hilton and (ugh!) Chyna Doll sex-tape DVDs. Nice guy, right? Well, given how brazenly porn actor-ish Amy is on these tapes, I kinda get the feeling she may have been in on this one. There’s lawsuits galore over this mess, so obviously deals went sour somewhere along the line, but she still seems to be prancing about like she starring in some Adam & Eve-ish MILF-stroker here. So what do you get for your hard-earned smackers? You get an obscenely tight body marred by a dumb fuckin’ shamrock tattoo right in the middle of her belly. I have never seen such a placement on a girl before, and it is quite distracting. Still, she is in tremendous shape, and her face, although quite hard, looks almost pretty in certain lighting. Here you will find her showering, combing her hair, masturbating, and blowing her grandpa-like old man, all while quacking away in the most objectionable Long Island accent possible. As far as quality goes, it’s easily the best ‘celebrity’ sex tape out there, because it was obviously shot on purpose. If you can get beyond the geriatric dude, the accent, the awful tattoo, and the fact that the woman almost fuckin’ killed somebody, then you could probably masturbate to this. And then feel really dirty afterwards. I dunno, some dudes like that. -Sleaze ______________________________________________ |
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Reviews November 2007 __________________________________________________ |
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The Taunting (2007) Directed by Zenova Braeden Spice Studios
- King Baboon Tarantula Eden (2007)Starring Carmen Luvana, Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Courtney Cummz Directed by Daniel Dakota Adam and Eve “What’s a yacht?”
So, attractive stars, eye-popping scenery, lotsa money being thrown around – but is it hot? It is if your particular taste in smut runs towards the top shelf and is filled with icy blondes. Alt-porn types and basement sleaze beasts, however, will probably beg for mercy after the 120-minute mark is reached (or every time Xavier Roberts, as the island’s “mysterious” host, takes off and then re-dons his white fedora to emphasize his inscrutable nature). The double-disc set includes two behind-the-scenes featurettes, bloopers, trailers, and a bonus scene with Randy Spears and Lauren Phoenix. –
King Baboon Tarantula |
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Now, why would anyone want to discipline adorable
Dana DeArmond? Well, she
talks too much. That’s one thing. And she’s always on Myspace. Like, ten
hours a day. She can be pretty annoying. So there you go. Anyway, I
should point out early on that if your vision of fetish is like, Hellraiser and goth chicks, then please run screaming from the room now,
because this is decidedly weird, fringe-y stuff. The film opens with Dana
wrapped tightly, head-to-toe, in sheets of plastic. She’s got a wrestling
mask on her head. Suicide blondie Aiden Starr crawls into the scene and
starts nibbling through the plastic, like a mouse with a box of Cream of
Wheat. The soundtrack (by Jillian Ann) drones away with funereal organ,
punctuated every so often with jarring electronic stabs. Eventually, Aiden
peels off the bottom half of Dana’s plastic wrap and fingers her
voraciously. And then they cuddle. Cut to: later on that day (I’m
guessing). Dana’s still wearing the Nacho Libre mask, only now she’s Julie
Simone’s footstool. Julie’s dressed in black latex. They both are. Dana
licks Julie’s boots, and then Julie spanks her. Apparently she did not
lick the boots right. Then, Julie canes Dana’s asshole. Yikes! 
I love
Gianna Michaels for the very same reason American
voters cast their ballots for George W. Bush in 2000 – she seems like
she’d be an awful lot of fun to have a beer with. Sure, Gianna has the
absurdly voluptuous body and predatory sexual appetite of one of
cartoonist Bill Ward’s whip-wielding giantesses, but she’s also got an
infectious laugh and a decidedly real attitude – she doesn’t seem
to have that porno-robot mode that most 
I’m not
sure I’ve fully comprehended the notion that the kinds of chicks I fuck
and hang out with are now popular porn stars. I mean, the first thing I
did when I got this one was check out the talent to see if the Razordoll I
know had nabbed a starring role. No such luck, but no matter, because I’ve
had my own personal show anyway. You’d think the familiarity would make a
flick like Suthern Cumfort enjoyable for me, but truth be told, I was
quite bored. With the exception of the exotic duo of Mika Tan and
Lystra
snacking on each other’s boxes or Gia Jordan doing two dicks every
possible way, this was nothing more than a panorama of average looking
tattooed chicks filling the stereotypical roles their knuckle tattoos
afford them. Something tells me it wasn’t much of a stretch for a girl
like Regan Reese to throw on some Daisy Dukes and take it face down, ass
up in a trailer park. The only thing more run down than the skanks in this
one was the locations in which they were fucked, which included such
places as a dirty shitter, a stairwell, some sort of boiler room, and a
rusted out car. However, that’s not to say that greasy, tattooed girls in
pigtails, cowboy hats, and neon fishnets won’t do it for you, especially
if you wear a suit to work and dream about getting drunk with the ol’ frat
bros and goin’ slummin’. But I drink the cheapest beer possible in the
sleaziest bars possible, so there’s nothing here I haven’t seen before
It’s hard to say what’s funnier about
License to Blow
and its sequel – the main concept, which imagines that MILFy internet
queen Catalina Cruz offers master courses in cock-sucking to orally
challenged housewives and girlfriends (who, upon completion, receive a
license from Ms. Cruz to… I dunno, give really good head or something), or
the fact that said housewives and girlfriends don’t seem to need ANY help
in that department once a hard dick makes an appearance. Catalina and Co.
make a few half-hearted attempts to establish some kind of pathology with
their clients – monster jugged Carmella Bing keeps biting her truckstop
boyfriend because she really wants to be in a threesome with him –
but for the most part, you’d never believe for a second that Eva Angelina,
Rita Faltoyano, Sandra Romain, or any of the other aspiring “blowers”
(Catalina’s term, which suggests that they’d do a heck of a job cleaning up
a sidewalk too) have even the slightest problem with sucking a dick (or
two, in the case of Carmella and Danielle Derek). Does this even matter?
Of course not – if you like blowjob videos, you’re not gonna care how
they’re presented, as long as the ak-shon is wet and nasty. And it is, in
both movies (especially Rita’s suckoff showdown with looney tunes Penny
Flame in LtB 1, and foxy redhead Ginger Lea and
Mikayla in #2). But
all the same, it’s awfully cute that Catalina had those little licenses
printed up, and someone oughta at least mention them. 
Dracula’s Dirty Daughter is an extremely low budget, soft-core flick that
tells the story of Vamparina, the dirty daughter in question, who’s
searching for the reincarnated soul of the vampire hunter who killed her
father many generations ago. She’s got revenge on her mind, naturally. Of
course, that’s not all she’s got on her mind. You see, the dude she’s
after has been reincarnated as a lame college student, and it’s not long
before Vamparina devises a plan to seduce every eager-to-please college
chick she comes across to form an army of gothic co-eds to help her get
the guy that whacked daddy. And that’s as good a plan as any, I’d say. As
is often the case with these types of films, the acting is awful, the
copious amounts of lesbian scenes are irritatingly soft, and the style of
the whole thing seems oddly out-dated. However, Dracula’s Dirty Daughter
has an interesting premise, the writing is edgy and witty, there’s a bunch
of gore, and it finishes with a cliff hanger. I won’t give too much away,
but it might not be long before we see Dracula’s pasty-skinned,
fire-haired spawn again. 
I
remember years ago my high school was renovated one summer and when we all
came back in the fall the hallways were painted baby blue and the rooms
were some shade of yellow. We were told it was because those colors were
conducive to learning or some such bullshit. Now, I’m no expert, and I
sure as hell ain’t gonna do some research on the matter now because I’m in
the middle of watching chicks suck cock and then take it deep, but there’s
probably some sort of erotic science behind Ultra Violett
Bewildering ‘80s SOV porn has Sonya’s (dirty blonde
Danielle) life turned upside down by the sudden arrival of her sister
Bernice (Cross) and cohort Meredith (Hunter). The pair, who operate a
“traveling medicine show” that sells hand creams and lotions, have pulled
up lame in 
So says
our rather confused, childlike heroine Kandi (Charlotte Stokely) to the
man who stands between her and the porno rabbit hole that will lead her
into a wonderland of pussy pounding pleasure. That favour, in case you’re
wondering, is deep
This is a hard one to call, really.
Amy Fisher is the worst kind of
celebrity, a loony bottom-feeder who once shot a woman in the skull over a
dude who wore Stupid Pants in public. On the other hand, she’s kinda hot.
The penis, it appears, has no moral quandaries. 
Tattooed tit queen Regan Reese and her bus terminal boyfriend share a
smoke in a graveyard and mumble incoherently for minutes on end before
wandering into a nearby Gothic mansion. Inside they discover the residents
(spirits? Real people? Transients?), who are engaged in a Chinese menu of
sexual positions lightly frosted with B&D overtones; a naked Asian woman (Lystra)
tricked out in Grudge-style makeup shadows their every move.
Eventually, the pair returns to the graveyard, where they are accosted by
the angry mouth of Anna Mills, who fucks Reese while laying a heavy slave
rap on her fella. As booga-booga hardcore (to borrow Frank Henenlotter’s
phrase) goes, The Taunting makes about as much sense as Ed Wood’s
Necromania, which is to say not at all; as for the fucking, Gianna
Michaels’ strap-on assault and Kassin’ throwdown with Lee Stone’s
Frankenpenis (the movie’s only authentic monster) generate the most heat.
The extras include a lesbian tussle between Reese and director Braeden
(who is something of a known quantity in bondage and adult modeling
circles) and a solo masturbation scene with Lystra sans her ghostly
pallor. 
Upscale travelogue porn from Daniel Dakota with a Fantasy Island-style
plot about a gaggle of privileged folk (led by A&E contract players
Carmen, Bree, and Ava, plus loaner Courtney) discovering what they
really need while vacationing in the splendor of the Hawaiian islands.
What they need, of course, is a good, hard fuck, and over the course of
Eden’s three-plus-hour running time (yes, you did read that
correctly), the guests bang each other and island guide Evan Stone
repeatedly. Carmen’s multiple scenes (threesome with Courtney and Jean Val
Jean, lesbo showdown on the beach with Bree, and mano-a-mano with Evan
Valentine at the prow of the aforementioned yacht) will probably be the
main draw, though Bree Olson’s anal-intensive bout with Tommy Gunn and
Jean Val Jean earns a nod as the pic’s filthiest throwdown. Still others
may consider Tommy’s closing act encounter with a CGI dinosaur to be the
movie’s most interesting pair-up, but that’s another story altogether.