“Is it true that they call you Rudolph the Russkie Rod?”

Sizzle? This ‘70s skin-a-thon is fairly blazing with wall-to-wall sex from some of the biggest and best names in the adult business from that sick, sick decade. Like the recently reviewed Gerard Damiano’s People (also from Video-X-Pix), Sizzle is a vignette film, with the linking device being a pendant necklace that gets passed from one horny owner to another. But unlike People, there’s no bothersome theme or heavy statement to detract from all the fucking – it’s just one flesh fest after another, and I believe that’s how we like it here at Bad Girl City. The film does benefit from some impressive production values, which are on full display in the opening bit: NYC regular Veri Knotty is tailed by goons Bobby Astyr and big Dave Ruby as she makes a mysterious round of calls on various working stiffs in her rural town. The pair of gunsels pursues her on the road, but she gives them the slip – or so Veri thinks, until the duo show up at her door, followed by a passel of other serious-looking gents in fedoras. Everyone heads down into a dimly lit room, where the shades are drawn, the lights are dimmed – and everyone gets naked and screws! Yay, it’s not a secret rite, it’s an orgy! Veri takes on Bobby, Dave, and three other guys in rapid succession – until her husband shows up and expresses her displeasure by filling her full of lead. Cut to Veri’s funeral, where her tow-headed son is among the mourners. Then flash forward ten years to the ‘50s, where the grown-up son seeks out a sexy blonde that he fucked and forgot some time ago. The pair decide to make up nice with some vigorous, sweaty doggie-style banging, but the kibosh is quickly put on this heartfelt reunion when the blonde turns out to be a mom. Yikes, says the guy, and he takes off – but not without first dropping his mom’s pendant, which is picked up by Blondie. Next up are desperate yokels Ron Jeremy and Roger Caine, who kidnap bratty Merle Michaels for the ransom money. Problem is, Merle is such a yappy bitch – and an insatiable slut – that her parents don’t want her back, and Ron and Roger are about to drop dead from having their balls drained round-the-clock by Merle. Eventually, the two dopes pay Merle’s dad to take her back (and yes, if this story is triggering a high school flashback to the O. Henry story “The Ransom of Red Chief,” that’s the uncredited inspiration).

Turn the clock ahead ten more years to the ‘60s, where hippie chick Kandi Barbour finds the pendant in the woods while she’s taking a leak; she and her pal then pick up surfer boy Jesse Adams (who’s looking for a ride to Long Beach, CA – a good three thousand miles from Sizzle’s obvious upstate New York locations, but hey, who’s paying attention) in their psychedelic bus. Jesse catches a quick catnap and dreams he’s fucking Kandi and her tied-dyed amiga on the beach (lots of quality cowgirl action here, given a nice lysergic touch with soft filters and a distorted lens), but the dirty daydream comes to an abrupt end when Kandi dumps Jesse’s hairy ass in the middle of the interstate. Bum-mer, man. But hey, what’s this? Yeah, the pendant found its way into Jesse’s pocket. Right on!

Okay, so now we’ve fucked all the way around the clock to the ‘70s, and we’re right in the middle of a tense family scene: uptight social climber Samantha Fox has just gotten married to a roly-poly talent agent (whom she’s convinced is gay), but can’t peel her eyes away from party guest Rudolph (Mr. Evil himself, George Payne, in a rare nice guy role). Meanwhile, wild child younger sister Candida Royalle (heartbreakingly cute as ever) is carrying a torch for Samantha’s new husband, who proves he’s no nancy by drilling Candida’s tight ass on the living room sofa. Not to be outdone, Samantha is spit-shining George’s Soviet schlong upstairs, while both sets of parents accuse each other of raising no-good kids. Candida and Samatha’s working-stiff dad, having heard enough from her husband’s uptight stockbrocker pop, searches the house to prove that his daughters are good girls – but oops! They’re both fucking the wrong guy. A rushed family meeting gets Samantha’s husband to give up the marriage – and the pendant, which Sam places by the side of a nearby lake. Lots of quiet pastoral images follow… is this the end of Sizzle?

Nope, actually, there’s one more bit, and it’s about as left-field as it gets: a dude on a beach digs the pendant out of the sand and puts it on, which causes a seaweed-strewn mermaid to emerge from the surf and ball his brains out. The disc’s packaging states that it’s Samantha Fox pulling double duty as the mermaid, but honestly, the soft focus that’s plastered over this scene is so murky that it could’ve been Ron Jeremy underneath all that kelp and I wouldn’t have noticed. Anyway, the sea maiden takes the pendant and stumbles back into the ocean. Now, is that the end? Yeah, it’s the end.

So, lots and lots of hot sex (Candida and Samantha’s alternating screw sessions are the highlights for me, but the ‘50s flashback is also very good, and Merle Michaels in pigtails and white knee socks while riding Ron Jeremy’s cock to a standstill is very hard to beat), plus solid direction and an intriguing story that never gets in the way of the fucking – that means quality ‘70s porn in my book, and if you’re inclined towards retro smut, you’ll probably agree. Video-X-Pix’s DVD presentation looks decent – I noticed what looked like VHS tracking distortion in a few scenes, which makes me wonder if this was taken from a tape source. No real big deal, though – none of the visual wear and tear will distract you from the bodies in action. The disc is rounded out by the usual pair of trailers, this time for Sizzle co-scripter Chuck Vincent’s Bon Appetit, which marked the adult debuts of Kelly Nichols (yummy) and Randy West; and A Girl’s Best Friend, which has Aunt Peg (Juliet Anderson) and Ronny J. as sexed-up jewel thieves. Groovy. – The Ultimate Degenerate.