Addison Rose: “You weren’t supposed to come on my face – I’m gonna tell my mom!”

Stoney Curtis: “Don’t tell your mom. We’ll give you a little extra cash.”

Addison Rose: “Okay.”

The premise behind 8 Simple Rules for Banging My Teenage Daughter is so perverted that I’m amazed no other porn company has picked up on it to date – in a nutshell, a quintet of barely legal nymphos are brought to Stoney Curtis’ door by their moms or dads and handed over to him to get a more proper perspective on fucking. There’s a catch, of course; each of the prospective Parents of the Year has a list of eight no-nos that Stoney can’t commit on their daughters – no fisting, no anal, no spitting, and the like. Naturally, once the ‘rents are out of sight, Stoney and his crew of faceless dick-swingers set about to break each of the rules in long, sweaty fuckbouts.

Sweet little blondie Jeanie Marie (who looks like an A-cup Scarlett Johansson if you squint) gets pimped out by her doughy trailer park mama, who’s adamant about keeping her girlchild’s ass tight and firm, but the promise of a check gets the old broad out of the way, and Jeanie’s teen tush gets drilled and bored but good. C-lister Aubrey Adams is slobbering on her boyfriend’s wang when Mom (who will be familiar to fans of internet MILF sites) busts in and starts coaching her on proper head technique. Addison Rose (a startling double for Amanda Bynes) is shipped off to Stoney’s to learn how to have sex the responsible way – with a grizzled porn vet like Nick East, who pounds her fresh-outta-math-class twat before unleashing the aforementioned forbidden pop shot on her Clearasil-clean mug. Top-billed cover girl Adrianna Faust is brought over by her hillbilly dad (who resembles the unholy love child of MTV’s Randy of the Redwoods and Killer Nerd Toby Radloff) to get some sex schooling; Hillbilly Daddy’s #1 concern is that his baby doesn’t get fucked by any albinos, and Stoney, being a decent sort, keeps all Edgar Winter look-alikes out of the ensuing flesh-pounding. The final vignette ups 8 Simple Rules’ creepy factor by multiples of 10; Asian jailbait Tia Tanaka is dragged in by her emaciated, molestached step-daddy, who adds one special request to his list of requests: he wants to watch Tia get banged. Naturally, being the observer isn’t enough for this Skeletor freak, and within seconds, he’s double-teaming her and leering at the camera with his dead, soulless eyes. Two spackles to the face later, Step-Monster gets the movie’s finale word: “Howdja like Daddy?” Just fine, sir. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and book a session with my therapist.