“Does this remind you of Christmas?”

There are two certifiable superstars among the five starlets getting the Mandingo treatment in this interracial fleshfest, and amusingly, both are listed at the bottom of the credits on the box cover art and in the title credits. I’m not sure what that says – either my taste in porn girls differs from 99% of the rest of the masturbators out there, or the porn industry doesn’t care for any talent that isn’t tall, blonde, and built. Maybe it’s both.

Anyway, Superstar #1 is English dirty blonde Isabella Ice, and she’s definitely not cut from the Vivid mold – she’s short and compact, with what porn freaks might call “a little extra baggage” (but the real world might call a normal frame), but goddamn, she’s an atomic cockhound who just cannot get enough of her scene partner’s skyscraper black meat. And he’s so clearly overwhelmed by her superior twat action that he fires off not one but two back to back pop shots into her generous maw (while giggling like a maniac from a ‘30s horror movie). I don’t think Isabella Ice is ever gonna get top billing in a XXX production unless they start making movies like Short Girls from England Gone Wild or I Like ‘Em Pretty Cute, but I’ll tell ya, Isabella’s got star quality in spades, and she outperforms the majority of the broads on this disc, including Big and Tall peroxide poon Tiffany (who apparently busts her anal cherry here) and thoroughly average brunettes Crystal Jordan and Mia Knight. How these two dames got listed ABOVE her is beyond me, but hey, I don’t write the packaging copy for Lethal.

The other Hall of Famer in the making is Crystal Clear, whom I’ve seen on a few internet sites; she’s a slim and milky-white brunette with the most intense trailer park Vampirella sexvibe since Jezebelle Bond. The basic premise behind her scene is that she’s so crazy about black dick that she busts into this guy’s house and waits for him – tricked out only in see-through panties and a nightie – so she can get an eyeful of his mojo stick. And you know what? I totally believed her. Crystal has the same sloe-eyed, honey-voiced and smoked-out aesthetic as Rose McGowan (minus her tremendous front porch – Crystal is a solid and all-natural B-cup, I’m guessing), and we all know how out to lunch Miss Rose is. Same deal here, though I can’t speak for how Rose handles a king-sized black dick. Crystal, she’s a pro. Total winner from start to finish. And she’s billed fourth on the box! Come on, Lethal…

Lethal’s DVD includes a bonus scene of naughty brunette Ava Rose that’s taken from another new release, Just Turned 18 #4, to fill out its running time, as well as the usual 30+ minutes of trailers for 8 Simple Rules for Banging My Teenage Daughter and like a million other movies. The outtakes footage gives us a nice behind-the-scenes glimpse of Isabella as she’s getting changed for her scene, and here we get another reason to love her when she bitches about having to put on tramp clothes at 9 in the morning when she’d rather be in her pajamas. You tell ‘em, Isabella. Crystal is only glimpsed during her B-roll photo shoot, but again, the star quality shines through in every frame. I’m telling you, man – superstars, both of them. Isabella, Crystal – I’m willing to go to the mat for you both. I’ll campaign on street corners until you get your proper frame. Call me.