Holly: Greetings, sleazy readers, and welcome to the Highway to Hell! For our latest instalment, I took Hero on a rock and roll road trip to Detroit. It seems strange that our third circle on the highway to hell is the first circle that actually involves a highway.

Jeff: Yeah, to Detroit of all places, where you previously had some trouble when you were there for another show. Ergo, I wasn't so much a rock 'n' roll mate, but serious protection, right?

H: The beard does have its uses...We were lucky to get across the border, you looked like such a serial killer. (We both have lovely passport photos, by the way.) Actually, the only trouble we had was having to wait in line for half an hour at McDonald's.

J: That and the fact that the car shook violently if we drove over 120 km/h. Still though, it was a wonderful trip, especially with Wig Wam blasting.

H: I was just going to mention Wig Wam. Worst band name ever, but those guys kick some serious Norwegian arena rock ass. [ Excellent driving music.

Wig Wam. Vroom!

J: Yeah, it's all I've been listening to lately. Along with Crazy Lixx, Crashdiet, and Crossfire. You should check them out, too. All of them, however, quite different from the Black Lips.

H: Black Lips are the reason we drove to Detroit in the first place, and while they may not qualify immediately as Hero-music, they are definitely Holly-music. I adore their scuzzy garage pop and wanted to share them with you.

J: Yeah it was good. I mean, I had heard rumors that these guys are known for puking and pissing on stage, but there was none of that.

H: One of the guys puked into the crowd when I saw them play at the Horseshoe in Toronto. I guess you can only vomit so many times before the stomach bile starts to eat away at your vocal cords. And they probably got tired of the crowd standing four feet away from the stage, out of urination range.

At this point, I would like to take a moment to mention the opening act, Quintron and Miss Pussycat, an electronic dance duo from New Orleans, who, in addition to playing some pretty funky beats, put on a pretty cool puppet show.

J: Well, besides our 2 a.m. search for waffles, the puppet show was the highlight of the night for us, wasn't it? Not the fact that the puppet show was great or anything, but just the anticipation of the puppet show. I must've downed six or seven High Life's waiting for that puppet show.

H: I fucking loved the puppet show. There aren't enough puppets in rock and roll, if you ask me. And if there hadn't been a puppet show after all that anticipation, there really would have been rioting. I would have rushed the stage and torn the puppet set down, and I would have expected you and your beard to back me up.

J: Whoa, I agreed to fight thugs and pimps who were trying to mug us or break into your car. I never said I would take part in a mass puppet riot.

H: I just assumed participation in mass puppet riots was part of the deal. Ah well. So anyway, after the puppet show came the Black Lips, who I thought were pretty great, even though they did change the lyrics to "Dirty Hands," omitting the line about the one guy getting a tattoo of a dolphin on his bellybutton, which cracks me up every time. But they did perform "Bad Kids," one of my favourites from their latest record, "Good Bad Not Evil"-I love the line: "Bad kids/All my friends are bad kids/Product of no dad kids/Kids like you and me." The Black Lips have a wicked sense of humour, which is something I enjoy in my rock and roll.

J: Hmm...I think at that point I was on my tenth or eleventh High Life, and although U.S. beer pales in comparison and alcohol content to Canadian beer, I was still feeling it and don't recall many of the lyrics. Being drunk probably helped me enjoy the show more, though.

H: Yes, we really do have superior beer up here, don't we? I even think our coke (the carbonated beverage, not the drug) is better in Canada, too, because my rum and cokes were pretty terrible. Which didn't prevent me from having more than one. If I hadn't had to work the next morning, the night could have been a messy one. As it was, I was a zombie the next day.

Hey, I bet most of the American readers don't know that it is illegal to smoke in bars in Canada. I love a dirty smoky bar, but washing the nicotine out of my hair was pretty much the vilest thing I've had to do in a long time.

J: One way to avoid the drug/drink confusion is to spell the drink with a capital, as in Coke. Also, I don't know if our drug coke is better (probably not), but our weed definitely is. And yeah, smoking in bars sucks. Some states have that rule in place, but not Michigan, apparently.

H: It really wouldn't be Detroit Rock City without the possibility of getting burned by a cigarette in the mosh pit. Because rock and roll is dangerous, man...

As an aside, and while we're on the topic, a butch lesbian asked me to do a line with her the other night. Whether the coke was of American or Canadian or some other origin remains unknown. (I declined, by the way.)

So back to the waffles, Quintron had a couple of lights onstage that resembled waffle irons. In addition to hoping for a puppet show, Hero and I were also kind of hoping for waffles. We got the puppets but not the waffles, so we tried to find an IHOP at 2 in the morning, to no avail. Come over for breakfast sometime, Hero-I owe you one.

J: I've been craving a good waffle ever since. So breakfast sounds like a great idea. I could make a joke about already being at your place for breakfast, but I'll let it go.

No waffles for you.

You were popular with the lesbians the other night, I noticed. And the dudes, too, I guess. Although that's bound to happen when you wear a shirt like you were wearing. But you know what you're doing, don't you? I believe I was annoyed with you though because you wore a sweater to the Black Lips show and not that great shirt. Sure, you still looked good, but imagine how I would've looked if I'd walked into the Magic Stick with you wearing the revealing shirt. I could've been a lot more popular.

H: If I'd walked into the Magic Stick wearing that shirt*, you probably would have had to beat up some pimps. Or possibly some puppets. And I was thinking that it would be better to be wearing something that qualified as clothing in case the car got ripped off and we had to walk back to Canada. Sometimes a girl likes to play it safe...

J: Speaking of safe, what do you know about this Eiffel Tower sex position? I've never tried it. You? Is it worth trying?

H: Um, no, I've never tried it. Is it worth trying? Sure, aren't they all? You need a willing girl and a close guy friend. I believe high-fives are involved. And I think that on that note, we will bring this installment to a close. As always, it's been a pleasure. You call the circle next time, Hero--I'll bring the tits and the wheels.

J: Hey, how about Thursday? The Black Halos and Crash Kelly are in town. No wheels needed, but your tits are always welcome. And thanks for taking me to see the Black Lips in Detroit. It was a blast.

H: Anytime! See you on the highway, and don't forget to riot on...

* Please email pic immediately. - Ed.

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