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Flash Metal Passion Play:
Slow
Children Welcome back to the Jungle, baby…Timo’s gonna DIE! After playing Deputy Doug Ellison in 2002, Re-Bar’s Artistic Director Ian Bell takes the reins of Matthew Weiss’s 2006 production of “Slow Children”.
Everything about Re-Bar screams classic rock club skank. It’s bare bones. Glen Danzig is screaming at us as we enter the performance space. It’s so perfect. As we check out the props on stage for the first act we wince at the sight of the Vixen and Yngwie Malmstein album covers on the wall. Fuck Yngwie, we say. Later, a cast member will echo this exact sentiment during the first act. Ten minutes to curtain and the cast still outnumbers the audience. There are only six cast members, so do the math. We start to feel sorry for Slow Children but hey, the vodka is kicking in and the pre-show music is excellent – some Krokus, G&R and Ratt, all cranked up to 11. The lights dim and we’re ready. The
first act gets off to a little bit of a slow start but you can’t help be a bit
sucked in by the opening scene where Deputy Doug Ellison is handcuffed to a
metal futon in a dank apartment, sweating like, well, a pig. Brandon Whitehead
delivers an electrifying performance as Deputy Doug Ellison (aforementioned
sweating pig) with a delightfully demented Dennis Hopper edge. Enter Timo
(complete with Dee Snider hair and leather pants), resident metalhead roommate
who, while caught off guard by the sight of a cop handcuffed to his couch, says
hello and proceeds to sit in his beanbag chair and smoke his Corona beer bong.
Rikki, (a tweaked out Blackie Lawless clone in spandex) arrives on the scene
next, wild eyed, complete with green eye shadow and a tiger stripe body suit
under barely-there cutoff denim shorts. And he’s waving a huge gun. Bonus! |
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The metal girlfriend type chicks show up next, Nina (a replica of that girl in that Poison video…okay..all the girls) and Sandy (your basic Metal Goddess, brainless and blonde) in standard rock chick style with food and beer. Every time Sandy enters a scene, we hear a guitar riff. Everyone should have their own heavy metal theme music but again, I digress. Despite being handcuffed and pleading for his life to Rikki, Deputy Doug manages to bond with everyone in the apartment, even convincing Sandy to go buy some hot turkey sausage so they can make lasagna for dinner. This pushes Rikki completely over the edge and the first act ends with Rikki accidentally shooting Timo in the chest. Timo says it makes him play guitar better. That might be true… In Act II, there’s two more vodka shots, more leather, guns, beer-bongs, guitars and one more accidental shooting. |
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Nina falls in love with Deputy Doug and Sandy shows up sans hot turkey sausage and in the company of a violently insane state trooper who is a ringer for Lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno 911, right down to the special issue State Trooper hot-pants. Timo gets shot (accidentally, of course) for the second time by Nina and Deputy Doug screams “WHY DO YOU KEEP SHOOTING TIMO?” Despite having two bullets in his chest Timo manages to continue playing his custom 1959 Rosewood Strat, smoking his beer bong and even bangs out the opening chord to Ratt’s “Lay it Down”. Now that’s Metal! Unfortunately, Timo’s superman impression does not last and as he starts to fade, Deputy Doug, in a final act of desperation, pulls an incredible hulk move and snaps his handcuffs in two as Ozzy roars “I AM IRON MAN” over the PA. All five of us are laughing hysterically, and have been since the second act began. It’s a cool moment. Deputy Doug scoops up Timo in superhero fashion and brings him to the hospital with Nina by his side. While Nina and Deputy Doug are off trying to save what’s left of Timo, Deputy Doug’s partner (and fiancée) Sergeant Beth Laruffa, shows up unexpectedly at the apartment after finding Deputy Doug’s handcuff keys in the bushes outside. Sergeant Beth convinces Rikki to join the police force and Rikki pledges to give up metal forever. Not because he “really doesn’t have the hair for it” but mostly because they give you your own gun. Nina finally returns with Deputy Doug announcing that Timo is dead and his dying wish was to have Deputy Doug take his place at both the Narcotica gig tonight as well as the Fisting the Missus show on Saturday. Deputy Doug now dons Timo’s fur coat, leather pants and Dee Snider wig, but barely. He’s fat, the leather pants don’t fit and he’s got lipstick on. It’s actually more like Courtney Love face-stick, as it seems to be everywhere but his lips. The curtain goes down with some head banging to Ozzy’s Crazy Train, and yeah, all 5 of us are doing it, and it feels really good. Slow Children is a perfect reproduction of what I remember about the metal years. If you’re in Seattle, get your spandex-wearing ass to Re-Bar. -DJC |
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I hook
up with my friend Elisabeth, my lovely redheaded companion in metal. We reflect
on our last visit to Re-Bar back in 2002 for
