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 1.
Seeing Tyla from Dogs D'Amour was our first date. Were you nervous?
Of course. I mean, not only was I going to see Tyla, but you actually
ditched your man on his birthday to go on this date with me, so naturally
I had to show you a good time. But that's the beauty of going to a Tyla
show for a date, it's hard not to have a good time, which I think you can
attest to.
2. Yeah, the good time was pretty effortless. So when we saw Tyla
outside on the patio, you were a little hesitant to say hi. Tell me what
influence Tyla has had on your musical upbringing, and please explain why
you were such a pussy.
Well, I didn't get into the Dogs until much later in the game, seeing as
how I wasn't old enough to appreciate them in their prime. But thanks to
people like Sleaze, Pepsi, and Stu, I've discovered the beauty that is the
Dogs D'Amour, and their greatest influence on me is probably right this
very second, as I am myself a dog of love, as you most certainly know. So
songs like "Trail of Tears," "Empty World," "How Come it Never Rains,"
"Drunk Like Me," and "Sattelite Kid" really hit home. Tyla was a love
poet, the Dogs were love rock, really, and that's the kind of shit that
speaks to me, ya know? Also, I wasn't a pussy. I'm just not one of those
dudes that gets all celeb-retarded. Of course we chatted later, so I never
had to regret not talking to him on the patio. Besides, what would I have
said out there? "So, what do you think of these patio lanterns?"
3. I’ll grant you that starting a conversation was much easier after
the show. (You did appear a little starstruck, though. We’ll have to agree
to disagree about you being a pussy.) I thought Tyla was pretty much the
coolest old British guy I have ever seen. He looked like the devil, but
softer, you know? (Gotta dig the red vest.) Did his appearance live up to
your expectations?
Tyla is a gypsy, through and through, and his new Gabriel O'Keefe look
shows that. I think Tyla has aged wonderfully, and his voice is sounding
better than ever. Maybe it's all the tea he's drinking now.
4. I
loved his voice. If I could fuck a voice, I would fuck his. If you could
fuck Tyla's voice, would you? (And if not, whose voice would you fuck?)
Oh, for sure. Unless that's too weird. No, it's not weird. I would totally
fuck his voice. Also, Axl Rose, Frank C. Starr, Bon Scott, Rob Halford,
Ian Astbury, and John Corabi. Now, if we're talking passionate
love-making, then it would have to be maybe Andrew Wood or Royston Langdon
or Jeff Buckley; for angry sex it'd have to be Danko Jones or Scotty P.
from the Crank County Daredevils; and for filthy, drunken, you're-gonna-regret-this-in-the
morning-cause-you're-bleeding-and-did-things-you'd-never-thought-you’d-do
straight up animal fucking, then it's definitely Zodiac Mindwarp.
Wait...were you looking for me to give you a list of female singers? Shit!
5.
We'll ignore your not-so-latent homosexuality for the moment. There were
very few people (like, maybe 12, excluding bar staff) in attendance. Did
the lack of audience improve or detract from your enjoyment?
I didn't care at all. I was in my own little world, except when I would
occasionally look back and give you the "this song rocks" thumbs up. The
fact that it was just him and a Gretsch made it all the more intimate.
6. It
was very intimate, wasn't it? I dig the massive arena concerts,
too, but there is something so incredible about seeing great performances
at small, sleazy bars like Call The Office. In addition to being the
smallest crowd, we were also the most polite audience I have ever been
involved in; whooping and hollering would have seemed out of place,
especially given most of the songs’ content. Hey, speaking of content, I
like being told stories, and Tyla is a born storyteller. What was your
favourite story (in song form, of course), and why?
Well, if we're talking one of Tyla's stories, I'd say "Bullet
Proof Poet". Of course, there's also "Soldier of Fortune," which gets me
every time. Oh, and "Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns". Love rock awaits you,
people.
7. Love
rock, indeed! I just ran upstairs and put the Singles soundtrack on. Oh,
1992...What were you doing in 1992? (And then we'll get back to Tyla.)
Actually, as an aside, "Soldier of Fortune" started playing right after I
answered that question. Music, it never ceases to amaze. Anyway, in 1992 I
was a geeky little boy, just starting high school, without any real
musical affiliations at all. Seriously, it was pathetic. I was all about
Soundgarden and Nirvana and Pearl Jam by the time 1992 ended, and I knew
all about Metallica and Aerosmith and Def Leppard from growing up, but it
wasn't until about eight or nine years later that I'd find Hardcore
Superstar's Bad Sneakers and a Pina Colada in the bottom drawer of my
editor's desk at the university paper and my life changed forever. Because
you see, I went on to the HCSS website, was scrolling the message board,
and noted an entry from some dude named Sleazegrinder. I checked out his
site, contacted him, and the rest, as they say, is history. Also, from
HCSS I came to discover their hometown influences like The Hellacopters
and the Backyard Babies. And, well...you know how that goes...
8.
Strange how things work out, isn't it? ("State of Love and Trust" just
came on. Good song.) Okay, back to Tyla: the set ends and he steps off the
stage and heads back to where he has his merch set up. I walk up and tell
him that the show was fantastic. Do you think he thought I wanted to give
him a blow job?
Well, you were awfully leggy that night, and when you decide that your
breasts are going to be the most spectacular thing in the bar that night,
they always are, so my guess is, yes. But guys are funny like that. I
mean, when you picked me up I thought you wanted to give me a blow job.
And when you bought me that beer I thought you wanted to give me a blow
job. And when you hugged me goodnight I thought...well, you get the idea.
9.
Gotcha. (I do have nice tits, I agree.) So Tyla told us a story about how
he once hallucinated the words to his songs on people's bodies. Then he
showed us the tattoo of his wife's epitaph on his left bicep. How did it
make you feel when he asked you about your Waterland tattoo?
Yeah, what was that drug he took again? I might want to get me some of
that. It's just like Tyla to hallucinate words, man. It's funny, everyone
is always asking me what that tattoo says, and it annoys me most times,
but this time I felt honoured that he wanted to know about it, because he
can understand the importance of words, ya know? It wasn't just a fake,
'Oh that's cool, what is it?' question. It was genuine because he could
relate.
10.
Yeah, words are cool. I still might get "fate" and "free will" tattooed on
my wrists. The only thing holding me back is that they wouldn't be
balanced.
Fucking Libra-ism...
You bought a live cd. How is it?
Yeah, "Unleashed." It's great. Not the original line-up or anything, but
right on point if you ask me. Although, now I wish I had've purchased
maybe one of his Gabriel O'Keefe albums or "XIII Shades of Black." I'm
totally digging his solo stuff right now. Come to think of it, I wish I
had a bunch of money that night because some of his art would look nice in
my rock ‘n' roll pad.
11. And what did you think of Tyla's art?
Pretty fuckin' true to his personality, I'd say. It was interesting
because I never knew he was an artist, but it seems like everything he
paints is culled from his poetic charms, so he creates these deathly yet
romantic sketches that are pretty much his songs in picture form.
12.
Agreed. Although I wish they weren't watercolours. I prefer oil or
acrylic, for no good reason. So, any final thoughts on the night in
general?
He does do some acrylic, actually. The night was great. I mean, I wasn't
expecting a big crowd, because that's the way it goes for gypsy bandits,
but I was really touched by him and his music, and what more could you ask
for? Plus, we had a blast, didn't we?
13. I'm really glad I went on that date; Tyla was incredible, and you,
as always, are a very rock and roll time. Thanks for playing, Jeff. Okay,
final question: do you want me to give you a blow job?
Is your boyfriend going to be reading this? Ah, fuck it. Yes, I want a
blow job. Am I before or after Tyla? And hey, don't think I didn't notice
the 13 questions. Nice work, baby.
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