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SPEED QUEENS Iggy Pop (I Wish I Had a Big Cock Like) 1985, Glamslam
By Sleazegrinder |
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"They never stood a
chance, in those silly leather pants..."
1. “Speed
Queens”. If this was an all-girl band, then Speed Queens would be a
stupid name. Well, unless they were an all girl speed metal band, maybe.
But since there are no chicks in the Speed Queens, the band name is
awesome. The only thing that would make it more awesome is if they were a
lumbering doom metal band. 2. The A-side
is called “I Wish I Had a Big Cock Like Iggy Pop”, which, let’s
face it, is a sentiment you just can’t argue with. I mean, it would be the
fuckin’ balls if I had a foot-long python like Mr. Osterberg. I’d KILL
people with it. So I was behind these guys right from the start. Also,
I think there was an alternate cover floating around for this at the time
that had a naked photo of Iggy on the cover, just so’s you knew what they
were talking about. |
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3. From the pic
on the front cover, the Speed Queens look sorta like Johnny Thunders
and the Heartbreakers, minus Johnny, but with one of the dudes from
Grand Funk, and one guy from Missing Persons. And when you
think about what it’d be like if you mixed that particular group of people
together, threw in Iggy’s penis, and sent ‘em careening headlong into
1985, probably the screwiest year in all of rock n’ roll; well, you can
see why I’d buy the thing. Also, on the back cover, they look AWFUL,
and that’s cool, too.
4. They divide the sides up thusly : “Glam side” and “Slam side”. They didn’t sound any different on either, really, but you get the idea. This was before Prince thought of it, by the way. Basically, they invented the Junk Records sound* several years before Junk existed, and futurism is sexy. |
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5. The last of
the three songs, “All The Young Dudes Are Dead”, is the best
Mott the Hoople cover ever recorded, yet the fellas credit it to
themselves. Like Mott owes THEM a favor or something. Arrogance is
rock n’ roll!
6. Perhaps most importantly, the wall of their rehearsal space, pictured on the front cover, has some excellent posters, for 1985. They include the Ramones, Kiss (in their Music from the Elder get-ups!), vintage Iggy and Alice Cooper pin-ups, and a collage of Playboy playmates from either 1982 or 1962. ’62 would have been cooler, but whatever. I think all bands ought to have the walls of their rehearsal space on their record covers, because that way, we’d know what kind of people we are dealing with. In the case of the Speed Queens, it’s a buncha shamelessly tacky rock n’ roll motherfuckers, which is the way I like them. Put all these elements together, and you have a classic slab of warbly, sleazy, glittery action rock which went completely against the grain of the times. The Speed Queens were too flash for punk and too punk for flash metal. Which left ‘em with nowhere to go, really. S’funny, though, when I listen to this single, it seems like a roadmap for the next 20 years of underground rock n’ roll, where ragged-ass punk, dudes in cop hats and scarves, bad Kiss records, 70’s glitter rock, underground movie queens, and Iggy and his big dick all freak freely in a clusterfuck of cheap beer and even cheaper thrills. It’s not like the Speed Queens INVENTED trashy rock n’ roll – hell, they were a barely adequate Thunders rip-off, really – but they somehow captured the essence of it all, and bottled it for a good seven minutes or so. And that’s plenty. As far as I know, this was their only stand-alone release, but then again, it was 1985, so what did I know, really? I was only 16, and there was not much of an underground glampunk pipeline to channel. What I do know is that their drummer, Eban Schletter, eventually went on to compose music for “Mr. Show”, so he probably has his own swimming pool now. As far as the other guys go, who knows? Bass player Mike Monko makes furniture, but frontmen Mike Stand Treece and Corky Clyde are MIA. I miss ‘em. Come back, Speed Queens! All of Sweden owes you some royalties. Listen: All The Young Dudes Are Dead (Now go and read ANY of Pepsi Sheen’s Flash Metal Suicide entries – this song explains the first 5,000 words of all of ‘em.) -Sleazegrinder ________________________________________________________________________________ |
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*The Junk Records sound: Sid Vicious joins Hanoi Rocks. |
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I
found this bitchin’ glampunk n’ roll relic from Oakland, California in a
stack of bargain-priced punk singles back in 1985. I’m not gonna talk
about buying a Misfits single for 10 cents (Horror Business,
yellow wax) that same day, but lemme tell ya, young turks of rock, it was
some fun out there before Ebay and collector scum-dom and all that
bullshit. Anyway, I liked the looks of it for several reasons: