The Super Rock Quiz
Vancouver Cock Rock Sensations Crystal Pistol are either gonna save rock and roll, or kill it dead once and for all. I don't think they care which one. Participants:
Pinto, guitars	Brian, guitars	Mik, vocals	Greg, bass	Dave, drums	Sleazegrinder,SMF
Who’s the toughest member of the band? GREG: Probably our road manager Pabs…He’s like 6’3 300 lbs…Once I watched him grab a guy driving by in a car by the neck  because he lipped us off…It didn’t even phase Pabs when the back tire ran over his foot…. PINTO: I would have to say me, cause I can lift five times my own weight ( so what if I weigh 50 pounds, that's still impressive!) DAVE: Mister Fister. A.K.A. Mik. Can't Comment. Shhhh! MIK: Toughest to look at or toughest to fuck? BRIAN: Without a doubt Dave. One night outside of a local club he threw up everything in his stomach, wiped off his chin and said "let's go get a drink!" Another time we were in St.Gallenne, Switzerland, and a bunch of punks were giving us a hard time after our show...Dave took care of business. Answer: Once, when I was 14, a guy named Pinto shot me in the arm with a nail gun. I'm not sure he's the same guy, but I'm gonna say it's Pinto, just in case. Who would you rather fuck- Robin Black or CJ Sleez? GREG: Who’s got more booze? PINTO: Robin may have less VD's or maybe not. That's a tough one. I'd have check with my doctor. DAVE: Neither. Next question. MIK: I fucked Robin Black twice and drank his girlfriend's piss. BRIAN: Since I've already got a nasty case of venarial warts and I've named all the crabs I have in my nether regions, I'd have to say CJ Sleez. Answer: Maybe I'd fuck Robin Black financially or something, but those feather boas ain't foolin' nobody. Brian, you win. I really didn't think it was gonna be that much of a debate. What’s the stupidest song you’ve written? GREG: "Straight Outta Compton", cause I’m from Vancouver…I sold it to NWA but the cheque bounced. PINTO: Here's some lyrics from the first song I ever wrote. (this is true)             "I GRABBED A COMB AND I WET MY HAIR              PART IT IN THE MIDDLE AND THEN SAID HEY!! I think it was called "My Kind of Woman". DAVE: I can't recall the song, but I was 16 and here are some of the brilliant lyrics: "With a bloody axe in one hand, and a human skull in the other... run little kid, I just killed your mother." Fuckin' amazin' isn't it? MIK: Pick one. BRIAN: Several years ago I was high on acid with my buddy Jeff and we wrote a song about cheese. The only word in the song was cheese. So I didn't finish school, fuck off. Answer: Everybody wins. Especially Pinto. Without checking…Backyard Babies or Dio? "Would you follow me to hell and back? Are you living in a broken dream?" GREG: Dio PINTO: R.J DIO MIK: Backyard Babies. BRIAN: Ask Dave. DAVE: I think it's Backyard Babies, actually. "I've been hiding my demonic side/Because the promises were lies" GREG: BB MIK: Backyard Babies. BRIAN: One time I played I played frisbee with Dave's Ronnie James Dio picture disc. He was not impressed.                                                              Answer: It's the Backyard Babies, of course. From "My Demonic Side", off that goddamn Def Leppard rip-off record of theirs, "Making Enemies is Good". Which explains everything. I guess we all lose with this one.  USA VS. Canada- who has better : Chicks GREG: 2 words…Celine Dion PINTO: Ca-na-da DAVE: I love 'em all. MIK: Canada because we have health care. BRIAN: Whoever takes it up the ass. Drugs GREG: Definitely Canada…My short term memory can attest to it....What was the question? PINTO: Canada. DAVE: Don't mind if I do. MIK: I do. Don't tell anyone. BRIAN: Canada. Rock PINTO: In the past US, but things are about to change. DAVE: Not into it. MIK: Canada, now that we're here. Answer: Hmmm. We might have to settle this one with firepower. Describe your scariest groupie. GREG: I picked up this hot chick after a gig and when I got her top off I noticed she had track marks on her arms, so I left. Then I realized we were in my house. When I got back she was gone and so was my stereo. PINTO: Well he's kind of a tough looking guy and stares at my ass while bangin his drums at every show. Won't take no for an answer. LEAVE ME ALONE DAVE!! DAVE: Chicks with dicks. [To Pinto] Have you been workin' out? wink. wink MIK: You. Answer: What the fuck are you guys talking about? What other names did you bat around before choosing Crystal Pistol? GREG: Can’t remember (see question 4 "Drugs – Canada vs U.S.") PINTO: Homo Generators, Pussy, Turbo turban?? I can't remember MIK: The Stolen Wheelchairs. BRIAN: Bums N' Noses. "Appetite for..." or Mik Ireland and the Cleveland Steamers Answer: pussy ?? Bitchin'. Worst thing you've ever done to a drunk girl? GREG: Introduced her to Dave. PINTO: Didn't fuck her with my majestic rod of pleasure. I'm sorry Honey. I'll get you next time. MIK: Stole her wheelchair. BRIAN: Fuck that. This one time in Sudbury, Ontario, I screwed this drunk chick and then she pissed on me. Needless to say I slept in another bed. Three things nobody knows about Vancouver except the locals? GREG: Great weed, No Fun City, Crystal Pistol will kick your ass. PINTO: Come and see our Monumental Home Depot's, our gourmet Starbucks coffee, and our fabulous Denny's Moons over my Hammie. DAVE: Where to get the good drugs. MIK: It sucks.  It sucks.  It sucks. Answer: Ok. But hey, let's not forget that Vancouver (AKA "Cyber Sodom") also has more internet porn production studios than anywhere else in the world. Plus, it's the home of Robert Pickton, pig farmer and serial killer. Plus it's where Thor is from. Which Pistol had the worst band before CP? Who were they, and where can we find evidence? GREG: I joined this hippie band called Electric Earth for a week (I was smoking a lot of dope at the time).  During a rare moment of clarity I realized I couldn’t deal with their personal hygiene. The rehearsal spot was tiny and it fucking stunk like Paculli and BO.  I quit….To this day I gag whenever I think about it. PINTO: I was a Neil Diamond impersonator in the local church for six years. Look up  "kneel Demon" on Google. MIK: The other guys, because they didn't have me. Answer: I'm gonna give this one to Greg, because just look at how he spelled 'Patchouli'. That, sir, is no hippy! Finally, Where’s Izzy? GREG: In my CD player 24-7. PINTO: In my heart forever. DAVE: In my freezer. MIK: Fucking Axl Rose's psychic. BRIAN: I don't know, but I wish he would hook back up with Duff and Slash. Answer: He's either at Bleeker Bob's, trying to unload a cardboard box filled with still-sealed Ju Ju Hounds records, or he's at some bar in Germany, trying to convince a drunk Aryan chick that he's the guitar player in Hanoi Rocks. Or he's dead, who knows. Score: Hold on, lemme see....well, whaddya know? 66.6%. Crystal Pistol officially rock. But you knew that already, didn't you? -Sleazegrinder
Pix: Robin Black and CJ Sleez, press photos by Paula Wilson; CP- press photos; Dio and Backyard Babies, press photos; Ceine Dion, some fucker with Photoshop; shemale from Pure XTC; (which rules, by the way), drunk chick from some hick classic rock station's fan pages; GNR press photo