Michael Toland is King Prizewinner in our Flash Point DVD giveaway from Dragon Dynasty, and you, sadly, are not. So it goes.

No contest this week, but keep checking this space for future filth!

Classic Media has been doing right by Godzilla fans with their deluxe DVD releases of the Toho monster rallies, most notably by including both the original Japanese versions as well as the truncated American releases and a host of supplemental features on their discs (as well as some of the best commentary tracks I’ve heard to date). They’ve just released two more old-school Godzilla adventures, both of which were previous available only in the massive Godzilla Collection (which compiled all of their releases to date in one boxed set).

First up is All Monsters Attack – not 2004’s Giant Monsters All-Out Attack, which pits Godzilla against Mothra, King Ghidorah and Baragon, but the 1969 movie Godzilla’s Revenge (as it was known here in the States), which transports a nerdy little kid to Monster Island, where he learns the fine art of beating people up from watching Godzilla. This isn’t the best picture in the series – in fact, most fans would go so far as to say that it’s one of the worst, as it cannibalizes far too many scenes from other Godzilla films to pad out its running time, and the interaction between the creepy human hero and Minya, a.k.a. Son of Godzilla, is at times unbearably coy, especially since the monster has been given a human voice in this film. But the fight scenes between Godzilla Sr. and new foe Gabera, as well as the rocking and uncredited theme song for the American version, make this a worthwhile (if not a must-have) purchase for veteran creature feature fans and.

Enjoy the original Japanese trailer for All Monsters Attack (which is courtesy Tokyo Monsters.com, in case the huge block lettering over the image didn’t make that immediately apparent):

Also on deck from Classic Media is 1975’s Terror of MechaGodzilla, the film that marked the 20^th anniversary of Godzilla’s film debut – and the last Godzilla film to be produced by Toho until his revival in 1984. Again, not a great movie – the seams are really showing in this half-baked story about aliens who rebuild MechaGodzilla and enlist a mad scientist and his radio-controlled dinosaur Titanosaurus to conquer the Earth – but if you’re looking for nothing but straight-up monster rumbles, the movie has it by the fistful. I understand that the American version of the movie included here is not the horribly edited edition released by Bob Conn Enterprises in the late ‘70s, though I’m not sure if the brief glimpse of nudity in the original Japanese version is included here. But you know what? There’s one easy way to find out – first, you take out your wallet…

Like pizza and sex, Godzilla is still pretty good, even when it’s as lame as Terror of MechaGodzilla, as this trailer proves:

I’m going to go on record as stating that none of the other films listed in this week’s column are as utterly and completely out of their minds as Alfonso “Al Bradley” Brescia’s The Beast in Space (Severin). And you know what? I feel safe in saying that this sexed-up ‘70s sci-fi film is crazier than most of the movies I’ve covered in previous columns, and probably twice as nuts as any I’ll cover in the future. The premise, which is ostensibly about astronauts in search of a mysterious planet’s minerals, is somehow cross-pollinated with Walerian Borowczyk’s arthouse/nuthouse hybrid The Beast – but honestly, I can’t tell you how or why, only that Sirpa Lane, the star of that film, is among the astronaut crew, and she gets violated in the woods by another hairy man-monster before the end credits. Add to that bald-faced steals from Star Wars (cardboard light sabers and the like), atrocious outer space effects, footage of horses fucking, a giant master computer that looks like a toy slot machine, and whaddya get? Total brain malfunction, of course, but at least you’ll laugh a lot as the grey matter runs out of your ears. And for the full Brain Salad Shutdown, get the XXX version, which adds hardcore porn footage to the already fetid stew. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

I swear to God, this really is the trailer for The Beast In Space:

Blue Underground continues to make Eurotrash fans happy by reviving many of Anchor Bay’s Italian exploitation releases, which have been out of print for the better part of the last few years. Gorehounds should note that the current batch is a particularly sick vicious one, with Lucio Fulci’s rancid sex-slasher effort The New York Ripper and Umberto Lenzi’s berserk zombie thriller Nightmare City (a.k.a. City of the Walking Dead) holding down the violent side of things. And for sick kicks, you can’t do much better (or worse) than Hitch-Hike, with Last House on the Left’s David Hess as a roadtripping psycho who makes life hell for quarreling marrieds Franco Nero and Corrine (Story of O) Clery.

But by all means, make sure to save room for Renato (Reincarnation of Isabel) Polselli’s Delirium, which features an unbridled performance by the late, great Mickey Hargitay (my man) as a psychiatrist who’s hip-deep in a  sex-crazed kill spree of nubile young girls. The DVD includes both the original Italian version of the film as well as the American edit – which are radically different from each other and even feature totally alternate endings. If you thought Mickey was outta control in Bloody Pit of Horror, wait until you fix your peepers on his action here. He should’ve won an award.

Also from the vaults this week: Sergio Corbucci’s spaghetti Western Navajo Joe (MGM), with Burt Reynolds as the sole survivor of a massacred Indian tribe who wreaks unholy vengeance on the trail trash that wiped out his people. Burt used to poke fun at this movie in his numerous appearances on the Tonight Show back in the day, but it’s actually a solid Western with Corbucci’s usual flashes of sadism that should appeal to even those that don’t care for the genre. And Ennio Morricone’s score is one of his best – you’ll recognize that ear-splitting theme song from the scene in Election where Reese Witherspoon goes completely berserk and tears down her competitor’s signs.

“Silent… sudden…violent!” Not at all what you think it is, but rather, the trailer for Navajo Joe:

Meanwhile, Schizo (Redemption USA) is a mid’-70s slasher effort by Pete Walker (House of Whipcord, Frightmare) about a figure skater (Lynne Frederick from Four of the Apocalypse) who finds herself targeted by a murderer after she places her wedding announcement in the local paper. It’s not the best of Walker’s efforts – if you’ve seen one psycho-thriller, you’ve seen Schizo -- but you can expect a decent amount of nudity and bloodshed on display here. And Code Red has Boardinghouse, a bewildering shot-on-video chiller from 1984 (that actually played in some theaters) about a skeevy salesman with telekinetic powers who runs a flophouse for girls; ugliness ensues, and I’m not referring to the film’s “Horrorscope” gimmick, which is essentially a nice way of saying that it was shot on video and transferred to film. By all accounts, this is among the weirdest of the many SOV horrors of the ‘80s (no less of an authority than Bill Landis and Michelle Clifford noted that “you’re never sure what’s intentional or a mishap in the film”), which is saying a lot; the DVD includes interviews with and commentary by the original cast and crew (who are largely the same people).

Yep, this is pretty much what new horror movies looked like in 1984:

In other news, the long-dormant No Shame is back in business (for how long, who knows) with Door Into Darkness, a four-episode horror anthology created by and largely directed by Dario Argento in 1973. I don’t have a lot of information about the disc, but I do know that Argento directed two of the episodes and his longtime collaborator Luigi Cozzi (Contamination, Hercules) directed the others. The vibe leans more towards Argento’s early giallo than his later supernatural fare, and apparently quite violent for television standards.

Here are the title credits for Door Into Darkness, as well as Argento’s introduction to the series and its first episode, “The Neighbour”:

And lastly, Troma has answered your prayers with The Complete Toxic Avenger Box Set, a seven-disc set that includes special editions of all four Toxic Avenger movies, as well as all thirteen episodes of Troma’s Toxic Crusaders animated series, which astounded creeps and weirdos everywhere by actually running on Saturday morning television a decade or so ago (lest you forget, the Toxic Avenger series was skewed towards the grindhouse crowd). This thing’s so loaded with extras that I imagine that if you close your eyes and tap your heels together, Lloyd Kaufman will magically appear to hand you the box himself. And then pull down your pants or something. He’s crazy.

Oh, one more thing – you know how you couldn’t find Legend House's double bill of Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism and Death Smiles on a Murderer? That’s because the release was pushed to this week. You know how that goes.

Shinobi No Mono 2: Vengeance (Animeigo) is the second in an epic eight-part series of early ‘60s Japanese action dramas about 17^th-century ninjas battling evil warlords; Raizo Ichikawa (Sleepy Eyes of Death) returns as real-life ninja Ishikawa Goemon, who emerges from retirement (what do retired ninjas do, you ask? Well, pretty much the same as your dad, but he can still bust out his ninja skills at the drop of a hat) to fight boastful bad guy Tomisaburo Wakayama, who earned endless cool credits a decade later as rogue samurai Itto Ogami in the Lone Wolf and Cub series. Yeah, it’s black and white, and subtitled, and there’s a lot of dialogue and talk about court intrigue and the like, but the action is completely boss (plenty of throwing stars and guys climbing up walls and smoke bombs) and pretty violent for 1963; the DVD includes commentary by martial arts history Ric Meyers (he knows his ninjas) and even a map to help you keep track of where everyone is in the movie.

Subtitles are not the ninja way, so here’s the untranslated, Japanese-language trailer for Shinobi No Mono 2: Vengeance:

Karaoke Terror (Synapse) is not only what I experience every time the fiancée suggests that we visit Koreatown on a Friday night, but also a very odd Japanese movie about two rival gangs of karaoke singers – one a nattily-dressed group of young men, and the other a conservative group of middle-aged ladies (all named Midori) – whose conflict over a failed inter-group romance leads to bloody revenge. Honestly. The movie is based on a novel by Ryu Murakami, who also penned the source material for Takashi Miike’s Audition, but believe it or not, this is actually sort of a comedy. A violent and decidedly odd one, but there are laughs all the same. The DVD includes a making-of featurette and the theatrical trailer and TV spot.

I’ll say it again – the Japanese are out of their minds and this trailer for Karaoke Terror pretty much confirms it:

And speaking of crazy, Japanese cult director Teruo Ishii (Horrors of Malformed Men, Blind Beast vs. Killer Dwarf) is the brains behind Bohachi Bushido: Code of the Forgotten Eight, a berserk blend of samurai action and sexploitation. Tetsuo Tanba stars as a mercenary whose suicide attempt is thwarted by a pair of prostitutes, who not only revive him but enlist him as a hired sword for their gang, the Bohachi, who select young women to work in local brothels. Tanba’s new gig includes disposing of the competition, so expect plenty of over-the-top bloodshed in addition to loads of nudity and bizarro behavior. Chris D of the American Cinematheque contributes liner notes, and there is commentary by and interviews with the cast and several Japanese movie scholars.

Pretty good week for low-level kicks. There’s The Weekend, (Warner Home Video) a latter-day teen sex comedy about a bunch of party crashing nerds and the rich kids who monkey-wrench their plans to bed various buxotics. It’s sort of a retarded Superbad. From Jean Rollin, nutty French naked vampire director, comes Killing Car, (Redemption) his 1983 film about an Asian chick who steals a car and then kills anybody who gets near it. It makes no sense but the chick is hot, and there’s mucho slaughter. Confessions of a Young American Housewife is out on Retro-Seduction. It’s one of Joe Sarno’s moody sexploitation deals. Expect to take a shower afterwards.

 Grab-ass lives! The Weekend trailer:

Director Katsuhito Ishii is responsible for Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl, a deliriously cool gangster comedy starring Ichi the Killer main-man Tadanobu Asano. Both dudes are back in Party 7 (Synapse), a dose of Jello-y high weirdness that makes little sense and will probably melt your brain into mush. Here’s a no-brainer: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the Complete Animated Series (Genius) is a groovy, sexy, quintessential 70’s Saturday morning sugar-high. If you were there the first time, you want this. If you weren’t, then you should know that the cartoon Sabrina was a lot less fat than the live-action version. Here’s proof!

Cupcake Girls present I Hate It (Flospot), a sort of confusing mish-mash of stunts, pranks, skits and gross-out humor from a bunch of evil Suicide Girls-y chicks. Jackass with tits, basically. Finally, there’s Pistoleros (TLA).  First of all, it’s directed by a dude named Shaky Gonzalez, which works for me. Secondly, it’s Danish, and they make awesome movies. Thirdly, it’s an ultra-violent spaghetti western, made in Denmark, by a dude named Shaky Gonzalez. Sold!

Go Shaky Go! Pistoleros trailer:

The winner of last week’s ASSSSCAT! DVD giveaway from ShoutFactory is Jason Sheats, who terrifies the locals in his hometown of Westminster, Colorado (yet strangely excites their women). Beating yourself about the head and shoulders with the nearest blunt object because you didn’t win? Well, knock it off, ya headcase, because there’s another contest this week!

One lucky mother will make their own the new Flash Point DVD from  Dragon Dynasty. This 2007 Hong Kong fist fest stars Donnie Yen as a tough cop trying to bring down a trio of Vietnamese gangsters (including Collin Chou from the Matrix sequels and the current Forbidden Kingdom). In addition to starring in and producing the film, Yen also directed the action sequences – which you can get an eyeful of here: 

Want it? Simple enough – send your name and address to paul.gaita@gmail.com and write Flash Point Contest in the subject heading. Winner gets the good word in ten days.

I’m sure that there are more than a few gags to be made at Cloverfield’s reputation for making moviegoers vomit (“The only thing that made more people sick at the movies was insert name of failed theatrical release here”), but the facts of the matter are that a) I didn’t see the fucking movie, so I really shouldn’t make that kind of joke, and b) that’s a really lame gag. The mighty Sleazegrinder, however, DID see Cloverfield, and came back from the screening having not only avoided puking, but feeling that it was a decent monster movie, if not the life-changing event predicted by its all-encompassing hype. You can read his write-up here.

The standard disc DVD, which streets today from Paramount, includes a respectable amount of extras, including several making-of featurettes (including one devoted entirely to the making of its monster), commentary by director Matt Reeves, and a couple of alternate endings which, contrary to much internet dribblings, do not reverse or change the outcome of the theatrical version.

Just when you thought you’d see the last of the Cloverfield trailer…

I did see Sick Nurses (Magnolia), a stunningly gory supernatural slasher from Thailand, and I’ve gotta say that it’s among the craziest and most disgusting films I’ve seen in a long time. How disgusting, you ask? Well, see, one nurse is forced to eat a mouthful of razor blades, which causes her lower jaw to fall off; later, one identical twin saws off the arms and legs of her still-breathing sibling. The culprit behind all this mayhem is the ghost of a fellow nurse who nearly blew the cover off a black market body parts operation that she and several other sisters were involved in; after being silenced by her partners, she returns from the grave (sporting green skin and that long Ringu/Grudge hairstyle favored by Asian ghosts) to wreak unholy revenge. All of this would be standard issue gross-out fare if the picture itself wasn’t presented as a sort of goofy-giggly comedy with the nurses prancing about in their undies and acting like semi-retarded children; the combination of the truly savage gore and the bizarre humor makes for one of the most disorienting viewing experiences you’re likely to have this year. The DVD includes a making-of featurette; watch this space for an interview with the directors, who have much to explain.

Beach frolics… with ghosts? That’s what you get in Sick Nurses:

I’m also gonna recommend The British Horror Quadruple Feature (Shriek Show), a four-pack of early ‘70s chillers from Pete Walker, an underrated director who always managed to cram some truly disturbing notions and anti-authoritarian commentary (as well as copious blood and nudity) into his low-budget efforts. Included in the set is The Flesh and Blood Show, a stalk-and-slash about a remote playhouse that houses a killer; the fetish-friendly House of Whipcord, about a brutal prison for “wayward girls”; the gruesome Frightmare, with Walker regular Sheila Keith as a former cannibal killer who can’t quite give up her habit, and Die Screaming, Marianne, with the foxy Susan George as a dancer on the lam from killers. The DVDs include original trailers and interviews with Walker, and are must-haves for fans of violent ‘70s fright fare.

What fate awaited those that came upon this desolate place? The trailer for Frightmare has the answer:

The supernatural thriller The Orphanage (New Line) did blockbuster business in its native Spain, but for some reason, American audiences didn’t take to it like they did to The Others or The Devil’s Backbone (which it resembles). They missed out on one of the most unsettling films of the year, about a woman who purchases the orphanage she lived in as a child to renovate as a home for crippled children. Soon after they arrive, her adopted son announces that he’s made friends with an imaginary playmate whom he insists lives in the house with them; it isn’t long before the boy disappears, and things get much, much worse. Guillermo Del Toro was among the producers on this atmospheric ghost story; the DVD includes several making-of featurettes.

As the old grindhouse saying goes, if the trailer for The Orphanage doesn’t make your skin crawl, it’s on too tight:

And while we’re on the subject of Continential horror, there’s also Malefique (BCI eclipse), a French thriller about a quartet of prison inmates who discover a book of black magic while attempting to find an escape route, and commit the cardinal movie sin of reading from its contents. Low-key and character-driven at first, the film deviates into some agreeably bloody scenes, as well as one jaw-dropping moment of surrealism that is likely to take up residence in your brainpan for a while. Crazy, those French.

Meanwhile, there’s also Séance (Lionsgate), with TV Highlander Adrian Paul as the ghost of a child murderer accidentally summoned by dumb college kids trying to exorcise the spirit of his victim (whoops!), and Black House (Weinstein Co.), a jarring Korean thriller about an insurance agent whose investigation into the apparent suicide of a child leads him to the certifiable culprits behind the death. If you don’t like scenes in which eyeballs are injured, you might want to pass on this one.

And lastly, Retromedia has unearthed Scared to Death, a long-lost 1981 creature feature from William Malone (House on Haunted Hill, Creature) about a lab-engineered monster who sucks the spinal fluid out of its victims. Malone was the head designer of the Don Post costume company at the time of the movie’s release, which probably accounts for the monster’s impressive look; the movie itself is another thing altogether, but if given the choice between Scared to Death or House on Haunted Hill (or worse, Feardotcom, another recent Malone effort), I’ll stick with this cornball monster movie. Apparently, Syngenor, made nearly a decade after this film’s release, is the sequel. Go figure.

Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan (Image) may sound like Asian exploitation at its most salacious, but it’s actually a visually impressive kung fu/thriller from the Shaw Brothers about a prostitute who takes revenge on the men responsible for her kidnapping and enslavement in a brothel. Expect some drama mixed with the usual high level of action you’d expect from Shaw Brothers – and yes, a touch of softcore sleaze (a whipping here and there, and an erotically charged relationship between the prostitute and the brothel’s lesbian madam).

This looks like a new-fangled trailer for Intimate Confessions, but you get the picture:

Also on deck from Image is Dave Mustaine’s Gigantour 2, which chronicles Megadeth’s 2006 jaunt with Lamb of God, Opeth, Arch Enemy, and a handful of smaller acts. The DVD’s track lineup differs somewhat from the CD (different Arch Enemy, Lamb of God and Overkill tracks, essentially).

The Canadian comedy series Trailer Park Boys remains a secret to most Stateside viewers, but in its native country, it’s a sizable hit, and even spawned a theatrical release which topped box office charts in 2006. You don’t really need to be familiar with the series to enjoy Trailer Park Boys: The Movie, which chronicles in faux-documentary fashion a scheme hatched by the show’s main protagonists – ex-cons and trailer park habitués Ricky, Julian, and the addled Bubbles – to pull off The Big Dirty, a plan to steal huge amounts of loose change (it’s harder to trace).. As is often the case on the series, disaster ensues. You’re looking at nothing but reruns in just a few weeks, so here’s an excellent opportunity to get hooked on this terrifically funny program.

Oh yeah -- they really love Rush on Trailer Park Boys:

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!  Season 1 (Warners) is out today. It’s not as good as Tom Goes to Mayor, but it’s still pretty funny. Best episode? When Neil Hamburger guests as their taxi driver. He keeps mumbling “Rapists!” while he's driving, and Eric says, “Excuse me sir, we don’t appreciate being called rapists.”

“So stop raping, then!” is Neil’s reply. Hilarious!

Anyway, the DVD's got ten episodes, and each episode it like, 11 minutes long, so it won't take all night. They do a few too many "chewing food with an open mouth" gags for me, but whatever.

I’d buy this, if I were you.

The winner of the Inside Unrated DVD giveaway from Dimension Extreme is none other than Ross Markonish, guitarist for interstellar fuzz troopers Ogre. I’m not kidding – he e-mailed and won the fucking thing.

And that’s all you have to do to win our next contest, too. One lucky bastard will claim the Upright Citizens Brigade’s new DVD ASSSSCAT! (Shout Factory), which offers up several star-studded performances of the veteran improv group’s show at the UBC theater in Hollywood from 2007. Here’s a sample, featuring Thomas Lennon of The State and Reno 911 as well as Brigade regulars Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts:

Also featured on the DVD is Will Arnett, Ed Helms of The Office, Paul F. Tompkins from Mr. Show, and Horatio Sanz. You want one now, don’t you? Well, you can get a chance to win it by sending your name and address to paul.gaita@gmail.com and putting ASSSSCAT! in the subject heading. You know the drill – contest ends in 10 days.

Ross Markonish can probably tell you everything you need to know about Inside, or you can read my scribbling about it on the Film and DVD Review Page of this site. All you really need to know about the movie is that once again, Beatrice Dalle acts crazier than a shithouse mouse (yet remains absurdly sexy), and that you probably shouldn’t tuck into a big meal before viewing it. Oh, and it’s French, which I know can be a problem for some people.

Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (Fox) was covered in Episode Seven of My Kick Ass Life; in it, Sleazegrinder and I provide in-depth coverage and analysis of all of the film’s salient points (why do none of the characters seem to have names? Why does the movie’s Hot Girl wear a bra AND a bikini bottom to a skinny-dipping session – and removes neither? And why is every scene in the picture so goddamn dark?) before veering into a lengthy (but relevant) tangent about how the Discovery Channel HD has proven that humanity is screwed if we ever have to leave Earth for another planet. Ultimately, the most important thing to know is that we liked AvP:R because it aimed to be nothing more than a dumb and violent monster movie, and I imagine you’ll like it for the same reason, and even more so since the DVD is unrated. I doubt if that chick takes off her bra in this version, tho. Oh, Fox is also releasing a three-disc Predator triple feature this week, with Predator, the abysmal Predator 2, and Aliens vs. Predator. Get ‘em while they’re hot.

Aliens, Predators, girls in bras – they’re all right here in the AvP trailer:

Around the same time that we recorded that podcast, Sleazegrinder also reviewed Juno (Fox) and Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (ThinkFilm), both of which arrive on DVD this week. You can read his write-ups here, here – and you should -  but in short, he loved Devil because of Marisa Tomei’s nude scenes, and hit the nail on the head about Juno being very witty and warm and as unreal a depiction of real teenagers as, say, Teenagers from Outer Space (which he also covered on the same page). Too bad no one on the Oscar voting committee read his review.

It’s Marisa Tomei in her underwear – yeah, it’s not from Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead, but are you REALLY complaining?

Last week’s column was pretty much a disaster on so many levels – I mean, in a post about it on this site’s discussion board, I listed it as August 8-14. I won’t go into the reasons why that edition tanked so badly, but I will correct one mistake by letting you know that BCI/Eclipse’s Crypt of Terror: A Collection of Nightmares did not street last week as mentioned, and will be relisted at a future date, according to the company’s publicist.

The Backwoods (Lionsgate) isn’t a horror movie per se, but there are all manner of unpleasant elements at work in this Spanish-made thriller about Englishmen Gary Oldman and Paddy Considine (from Hot Fuzz and Dead Man’s Shoes), whose vacation with their wives (super hot Virginie Ledoyen and Aitana Sanchez-Gijon) in the Basque mountains goes from bad (neither couple is getting along) to worse when the fellas discover a deformed girl in a remote cabin. Their rescue attempt is met with an armed response by the locals, which naturally leads to a violent standoff. Something tells me we’ve all seen versions of this movie before (Straw Dogs, etc.), but Oldman and Considine are always watchable, and the suspense is nicely balanced by the violence and questionable manners of the swarthy supporting players.

Backwoods trailer:

Kinky Killers (a.k.a. Polycarp; Vivendi Visual) is also horror by proxy – it’s a low-budget splatter mystery about a rash of mutilation murders that somehow ties in to Biblical prophecy. Michael Paré is top-billed, which is usually a red flag of epic proportions as to the quality of the movie, but hey, your mileage may differ.

Retribution (Lionsgate) is Kiyoshi (Cure, Pulse) Kurosawa’s 2007 ghost story about a world-weary detective whose investigation into the murder of a mysterious young woman leads him to discover he is quite possibly the guilty party. The victim’s screaming ghost begins to haunt him as more murders are committed – and again, you’ve seen it before, and done better, in some cases (even by the director himself), but Kurosawa’s deliberately paced and dreamy brand of Asian horror feels fresher than the endless carbon copies floating around Hong Kong theaters and American video stories.

Retribution trailer:

The CGI monster rally Loch Ness Terror (Sony) wants you to accept the idea that that somehow, Nessie made its way to America, and once there, bred like a goldfish, producing dozens of fat-bellied, carnivorous monsters. As Roky Erickson once said, “Well, if you believe that…”

Sez Sleaze:

Watched this today. So, the idea is that this kid’s dad found Nessy’s egg in 1976 and she ate him and his entire crew up for revenge. Except for the kid. Now it’s….well it’s now, and he’s living in this little fishing town, getting hassled by the local bullies and pining for the local Betty, when the beast comes back to finish the job, using a series of tunnels that go from Scotland to Lake Superior. None of this is tongue-in-cheek, by the way. Creature effects are strictly Sci-Fi Channel-style bottom-shelf CGI, but the attack scenes are livened up by a surprising amount of gooey gore.

Here’s Nessie and family in action, so to speak:

Also on deck this week: Queen Cobra (Razor Digital), about college students falling victim to a sexy half-woman, half-snake creature (someone doesn’t believe you’ve seen Species and Hammer’s The Reptile); The Curse of Lizzie Borden 2: Prom Night (Razor Digital), which coincides nicely with the release of the Prom Night remake currently topping ticket sale charts; and the ultra-obscure Things (Razor Digital), a 1989 homemade gore film from Toronto about a bunch of guys who conjure demons from a spell book they find in a refrigerators, and then spend the rest of the movie watching TV and drinking beer and hard liquor while monsters roam the house. Amber Lynn is in there too; Michael Weldon called it “senseless” when he covered it for Psychotronic two decades ago, and I’d say he knew from senseless.

Speaking of senseless, the trailer for Curse of Lizzie Borden 2: Prom Night looks like this:

And here’s what Amber Lynn looked like shortly before making Things:

Blast of Silence was a hopelessly obscure 1961 noir about a hitman (director Allen Baron) who wanders a cold and unfriendly New York City and reflects on his miserable life while waiting to make good on a contract kill. Its bleakly philosophical narration (by Lionel Stander) and gritty urban locations have made it a favorite for cult and crime fans for decades, and Criterion has done right by them with a deluxe DVD release that includes a beautiful print of the film as well as interviews with Baron and a cool graphic adaptation by Sean Phillips.

Dig the trailer:

The Emanuelle Collection (Media Blasters) is a three-pack of saucy Eurosmut that’s only loosely connected to the Sylvia Kristel or Laura Gemser pictures. Divine Emanuelle: Love Cult is the winner in the bunch, largely thanks to Gemser’s presence as “The Divine One,” the frequently nude head of a Greek sex cult. Like Gemser’s other Emanuelle projects (and this one wasn’t an official entry in the series, but rather a hasty renaming to cash in on the name value), it’s rife with softcore sex and even a dab of violence in the right places. The other two titles in the set, Lady Emanuelle (with Malu in the title role) and Yellow Emanuelle (with Chai Lee as Em and future Italian porn star Ilona Staller) are fairly limp sudsers with only a smattering of sleaze. Get ‘em all if you’ve gotta complete your Emanuelle collection, tho.

And The Clash Live: Revolution Rock (Sony Legacy) is a compilation of blazing performances culled from the band’s entire career by director and longtime Clash associate Don Letts (Punk: Attitude). Included here are early club stints in London and Munich from ’77, in-studio footage, and finally, triumphant performances in front of stadium crowds in 1982. A wealth of unreleased material (including appearances on Fridays in 1980 and The Tomorrow Show in ’81) makes this a must-have for Clash die-hards.

Here’s a promo from the PBS broadcast of The Clash Live: Revolution Live (ignore the droning narration):

The winner of the Magic Blade DVD giveaway from Image is Dave Simpson from England, who claimed this amazing Shaw Bros. martial arts extravaganza by correctly answering the question “Which Hammer glamour starlet was the hottest in her heyday?” which chosen explicitly for him by the Sleazegrinder.com Central Master Computer Database Matrix. The correct answer is Caroline Munro, of course.

Wanna be just like Dave? It’s easy – just enter our next DVD giveaway! This week’s swag is for hardcore gorehounds everywhere – it’s the unrated version of Inside (from Dimension Extreme), which sent French moviegoers running for the exits with its hair-raising story about a pregnant woman (Alysson Paradis – Vanessa’s sister) who must fight for her life and the life of her unborn baby when a crazed woman in black (Betty Blue’s Beatrice Dalle) launches an all-out assault on her home. Trust me when I tell you that you haven’t seen anything this harrowing or disturbing in a long, long time.

But in case you’re the doubting type, here’s the trailer:

Yowza! For your chance to win, send your name and address to paul.gaita@gmail.com and put Inside DVD Contest in the subject heading. One lucky sonofagun will take the prize – contest ends on April 15.

The Nanny (Fox) is a creepy thriller from Hammer Films circa 1965, with Bette Davis as the thoroughly disturbed title character, an English governess who does her best to convince her employers that their 10-year-old son, who’s fresh from the asylum, is still crazy in order to keep him from spilling the beans about her involvement in his sister’s drowning murder. Davis’ performance, which came in the midst of her late career streak of Scary Old Ladies (see also Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte), is the main reason to check out this black-and-white spookshow, which arrives on DVD as part of the centennial celebration of Davis’ birth. The aforementioned Charlotte, a sweaty, campy Southern Gothic thriller with Davis as an accused axe murderess (a youthful Bruce Dern catches the business end of the chopper in the movie’s prologue, and is featured in the DVD extras), is also available from Fox this week.

Here’s the very screamy trailer for The Nanny:

Super Robot: Red Baron (BCI/Eclipse) is top-notch Japanese man-in-suit action cut from the same cloth as Ultraman and Space Giants. Here, the Land of the Rising Sun is in jeopardy from the bespectacled Dr. Deviler and his Iron Alliance, which takes control of the world’s super robots to facilitate their world domination plans. Our only hope comes in the form of Red Baron, who, despite his stocky, jug-eared appearance, hands out a heart attack-serious beating on some giant robot ass with his arsenal of weapons. The entire 39-episode network run of this 1973-1974 series is available on this six-disc set, which includes detailed liner notes by Japanese fantasy expert August Ragone. Oh, and pervs should note that the show’s female heroine, played by Rei Maki, does an awful lot of high-kicking in short dresses (read: abundance of upskirt shots).

What better way to plug this action-packed series? How about this talky scene from Episode Eleven (“The Beautiful Assassin”) that features no robot footage at all? There’s some scrapping at the end:

I’m sure that horror and DVD nerds will grit their unbrushed teeth in pure geek frustration when they read this, but I really like BCI/Eclipse’s Crypt of Terror series. Are the most pristine prints, culled from the original negatives? Nope. And do they feature hours of extras, including interviews with the directors and deleted scenes? They do not. But they do provide some enjoyable and entirely watchable horror and exploitation titles, and that’s still a pretty good deal (at least in my book). Their latest five-disc set, A Collection of Nightmares, bundles up two Euro-chillers, the Spanish-made Black Candles from Jose (Vampyres) Larraz, and The Evil Eye, an Italian-made mystery of sorts – both have been released before as part of BCI’s discontinued Welcome to the Grindhouse series, but here they’re packaged with another Larraz movie, Stigma (which appears to cover similar ground as The Evil Eye in its story about nightmares coming true) and the completely insane American movie Blood Harvest, which stars Tiny Tim (!) as a carnival clown with a homicidal bent. That’s seven hours of solid, sleazy entertainment for a very nice price – and isn’t that what it’s all about?

And while we’re on the subject of more movies for less, you can get your Mexican wrestling fix with BCI’s Clasicas de la Lucha Libre, a three-disc set featuring some stellar South of the Border grappling action with the likes of Santo, Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Tineblas, and other legendary wrestlers. Included in the set is Misterio en la Bermuda, which sends Santo and Blue Demon to the Bermuda Triangle, Leyendas Macabras de la Colonia (Tineblas, Mil Mascaras and El Fantasma Blanco are sent back in time by a haunted painting to battle a witch), and Vuelven los Campeones Justicieros (Blue Demon and Mil Masceras protect beauty queens). 

Here’s a long (and very dark) clip from Los Angeles TV taken from one of the other films in the collection, El Robo de las Momias de Guanajuato. Better get yer glasses – and a flashlight:

Meanwhile, the Maximum Action 10 Movie Set packages together some great drive-in shoot-em-ups from the Crown International Library, home to some of the cheapest but more entertaining exploitation features of the ‘70s and ‘80s. Included in the set is Killpoint, with Leo Fong and Richard Roundtree battling psycho bikers led by Cameron Mitchell (Fong and Mitchell are also seen in Low Blow); 9 Deaths of the Ninja, with Sho Kosugi as a ninja (what else) sent to rescue hostages held by a wheelchair-bound madman (played by Blackie Dammett); Fleshburn, with a crazed Sonny Landham torturing the psychiatrists who committed him to an asylum; Hell on Wheels, a Southern racetrack drama with John Ashley and Marty Robbins, and the insane Death Machines, about martial artists programmed to kill by hypnosis.

If the desert don’t kill ya, Sonny Landham will – it’s the trailer for Fleshburn:

And lastly, the Legends of Hollywood: Kings of Horror set is a four-disc collection of Shock Theater-style classics starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. It’s strictly the B-stuff from Boris and Bela here, including The Snake People, The Terror, The Human Monster, Black Dragons, The Gorilla, and The Corpse Vanishes. There’s nothing here you can’t find on a dozen other public domain discs, but if you’re looking to knock a bunch of titles off your want list in one fell swoop, here’s one way to do it.

A bride dead at the altar? Bela Lugosi’s definitely the guilty party, as this trailer from The Corpse Vanishes proves:

P2 (Summit Entertainment) does get one thing right – Wes Bentley is pretty much the perfect choice to play obsessive or unstable loners, and if the guy just accepts that fact, he’ll probably have a decent career in Hollywood (and stop making crap like Ghost Rider). Hopefully, he’ll get better showcases than this bland thriller, which pits his creepy parking attendant against Rachel Nichols’ busty businesswoman, whom he traps after hours in her office’s labyrinthine garage. Nice locations, and Bentley gives adequate shivers, but you’ve seen it all before, trust me.

But in case you haven’t:

Day of the Dead (First Look Entertainment) is a sort-of remake of George Romero’s 1985 zombie movie, though it does its best to trick you into thinking that it’s a sequel to the Zack Snyder revamp of Dawn of the Dead by tapping Ving Rhames to star and getting another not-so-famous blonde actress (Mena Suvari) to play the female lead. There are passing references to the Romero movie, but the plot itself (virus causes zombie outbreak) is mostly a by-the-books zombie movie about a virus outbreak in Colorado that brings the dead back to life; Rhames and Nick Cannon (?) are the military presence called in to quell the uprising. I’ve met Nick Cannon, and I don’t think he could effectively quell an outbreak of pimples, so you may assume that the mostly unknown cast in this movie is zombie food. Steve Miner (Friday the 13^th Part 2) directed, by the way.

Meanwhile, The Cellar Door (Monterey Video) concerns a serial killer on the prowl to torture in his basement dungeon. Smell like torture porn to you? Yep, me too.

Rock of Love: The Complete First Season(Anchor Bay) stars Poison frontman Bret Michaels and his bandana in a reality series about some hardcore desperate ladies (and I do mean hardcore – one of the contestants was featured on the RealityKings.com site, while another was some kind of blowjob queen) vying for the right to call him their man. The shenanigans these broads are put through are either hilarious or heartbreaking, depending on your point of view (the most appalling of which is a competition to give Bret a hard-on via phone sex), but it’s nothing compared to the absolute lunatic behavior they exhibit during their downtime between contests (show ‘em a pole and they’ll ride it; give ‘em a bottle and they’ll drain it). On the plus side, tho, Michaels seems to get that he’s participating in a circus, and displays a decent sense of humor about the whole thing. The three-DVD set includes a mess of extended scenes, but reasons unbeknownst to me or any other sane individual, the contestants’ frequent nude romps are pixilated. Pixilated?!? Why, to preserve their sense of decency? Sheesh.

Submitted for your disapproval – the promo for Rock of Love’s freshman season:

Meanwhile, After Hours Cinema has a trio of ‘70s-era smut for your moral dissolution, starting with the appallingly-titled Zodiac Rapist Grindhouse Double Feature, a two-fer of hard-boiled noir parodies featuring John Holmes as the title pervert in The Zodiac Rapist and the lovely Suzanne Fields in the sequel, Sam Dobbs and the Guru Gangbang (yes, you did read that correctly). Everybody’s favorite Times Square archaeologist, 42^nd Street Pete, unearths another set of big tit loops for 8mm Madness Volume 7: Busty Stars of the Stags, which includes two full discs of short and smutty flicks starring Lisa De Leeuw, Vanessa Del Rio, Candy Samples, and other magnificent mammaried misses. There’s also Sylvia, a 1977 mix of psychodrama and jerkoff material directed by wiseguy-turned-actor Armand Peters (who turned up in several of Martin Scorsese’s early movies and even helped to write the book upon which Raging Bull was based). Blue Underground honcho William Lustig, who served as the film’s assistant director and production manager, contributes commentary with exploitation expert Michael Bowen.

Sleazegrinder gave his two cents on Walk Hard – The Dewey Cox Story (Sony) here, and I trust his opinion implicitly (so should you). But in case you really need to see Walk Hard, you should know that this flop parody of rock biopics is available in a two-disc set and a single-disc widescreen edition.

Back in November of ’07, you couldn’t escape this trailer for Walk Hard:

Terry Gilliam’s The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (Sony) did more to sink his career as a director than any of his previous features (even Brazil) – the wildly expensive fantasy, based on the German folktale about a nobleman (played by John Neville) who purported to indulge in grandly outlandish adventures, was reportedly three weeks behind schedule before he ever shot a foot of film. Its failure at the box office was a foregone conclusion – high school kids were not about to plunk down their money to see a period adventure about an old man who can’t stop lying and a little girl (played by Sarah Polley) who try to outrun the Angel of Death – but for Gilliam fans and fantasy types, there are some extraordinary set pieces, as well as a nice bit of comedy involving Oliver Reed as Vulcan, the Roman god of fire, whose volcanic temper is kept in check by his wife Aphrodite (Uma Thurman, who appears semi-nude on a massive half-shell). And there’s a decent message at the center of all the special effects about the importance of storytelling and imagination. You could believe in worse things, I think.

Full of noise, indeed – it’s the trailer for Baron Munchausen:

Speaking of outlandish, the film exploits of the legendary Harry Houdini are compiled in the three-disc set Houdini: The Movie Star (Kino). Having conquered the stage in the late teens and early ‘20s, Harry Houdini set out to win over an even bigger audience through the new medium of the movies. Houdini’s film career encompassed a series of features and serials which found the magician and escape artist tackling criminal gangs, robots (The Master Mystery), hostile natives, and just about every movie convention they could throw at him, but the true appeal of Houdini’s films was the opportunity to see him execute some spectacular stunts, including a swim in the rapids of Niagara Falls and a leap from the wing of one plane to another. Footage of Houdini’s famous escape routines and one of the few surviving audio records of his voice fill out this set.

Jackie Chan ain’t got nothing on Harry Houdini, as this trailer proves:

The big winner in our Magic Blade DVD giveaway from Image  is… nobody. That’s right, not one fucking soul sent in their name and address to win this amazing ‘70s kung fu freakout from the legendary Shaw Brothers, and I, for one, am shocked and dismayed. But I will not comment on readers’ tastes and simply offer this DVD up for another week, or until the first person makes a grab for it. In the meantime, we’ve got more DVDs for the taking in the weeks to come – and I’ll give you a hint about the next giveaway: it’s French. And it’s sick. Really sick. paul.gaita@gmail.com to win.

The Lascivious World of A.C Stephen and Ed Wood Jr. (Image Entertainment) is a three-fer of late ‘60s and early ‘70s softcore smut from the formidable team of Stephen Apostolof (a.k.a. A.C. Stephen – and yes, they did spell his name wrong on the box cover art) and Ed Wood, whose previous joint effort yielded the head-scrambling Orgy of the Dead.  None of the three pics included in this triple-disc set is as bee-zar as Orgy, but there’s plenty of absurd Wood dialogue on hand, and more naked ‘70s sexploitation cuties on display than should be legally allowed. First up is Lady Godiva Rides (1969), with big bust queen Marsha Jordan as Lady Godiva, who heads to the Old West with her lover, Tom Jones (not the singer, you idiot), and runs afoul of cowpokes and brother owners. Ex-mob moll turned actress Liz Renay (The Thrill Killers, Desperate Living) co-stars. Next is Drop-Out Wife, Wood and Stephen’s response to both the women’s lib and swinger movements of the decade; hardcore stars Rene Bond, Candy Samples, Ric Lutze and Sandy Dempsey are among the undraped cast. And last is Five Loose Women, one of the duo’s most insane collaborations, with Rene, Eve Orlon, and Maria Arnold as three of the title ladies, who’ve busted out of prison and raise hell while on the lam. This movie contains one of Wood’s greatest lines (“Good Christ – a lesbian!”) and a cameo by Wood as an elderly gas station attendant. If you’re a classic exploitation hound, you probably shouldn’t end the week without this set.

Good Christ – it’s the trailer for Five Loose Women!

Meanwhile, Annie Sprinkle’s HERstory of Porn (Pacific Media Entertainment) is a documentary by the legendary porn actress turned performance artist about her long and amazing career in XXX movies. Annie herself narrates the feature, which is full of rare clips from her ‘70s roughies as well as her more experimental stuff, including the jaw-dropping Linda/Les and Annie (about her relationship with a woman-to-man transsexual) and her later films for couples and the arthouse crowd. The DVD includes two shorts, Post Porn Modernist, which features highlights from her ‘90s-era stage shows, and The Art of the Loop, which compiles choice loops from the ‘50s to the mid-80s. The mysterious Pacific Media Entertainment is reportedly the distributor for this DVD, but you can buy it direct from Annie herself at www.anniesprinkle.org.

It’s business as usual this week – lotsa generic low-budget stuff vying for your take-home pay. I suppose there are a few people who enjoyed the Canadian non-sequel Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2* (Fox), which has nothing to do with the original Prom Night (and that’s not really a drawback) – it’s more of a possession story about a ‘50s-era prom queen who possesses the latest heir to her throne. Its main selling points (for me, at least) are the presence of Michael Ironside, and the fact that Ray Sager – Montag from The Wizard of Gore – was the producer! Funny thing is, this is probably better than the upcoming Prom Night remake.

*Me! - Sleaze

The trailer for Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 looks something like this:

Otherwise, you’ve got Eye of the Beast (Weinstein Co.), with James (Dawson’s Creek) Van Der Beek vs. a giant octopus, or the directors of Fear House (Lifesize Entertainment) actually trying to pass off the old “haunted house knows the deepest fears of its visitors” routine as a new and novel idea (my buddy Ron Carlson pitched a story based on that premise back in high school biology class, and even then I thought it was yesterday’s news). You can also kill 75 minutes of your life with 2001’s Mayhem Motel (Disturbance Films), which follows the Roach Motel premise by having customers check into the title joint for forbidden sex and other proclivities, but not check out. Return of Swamp Thing (Lightyear Video) is Jim Wynorski’s follow-up to Wes Craven’s film adaptation of the great Bernie Wrightson comic book – the presence of Heather Locklear and Monique Gabrielle may be enough to lure you into watching it, or if you’re a true Jim Wynorski fan (he provides commentary as well as a wealth of extras, including the theatrical trailer, TV spots, a promo reel for theater owners, and two public service announcements featuring Swampy and the movie’s comic relief kids!).

“He’s got a grudge ‘cause they turned him to sludge!” So sayeth the trailer for The Return of Swamp Thing:

There’s also The Cook (Anchor Bay), a smirky 2008 horror-comedy about a “funny” foreign chef who butchers a gaggle of obnoxious sorority sisters. I’ll let you know ahead of time that there’s not nearly enough nudity and violence in this movie to make up for the abundance of lame jokes. Meanwhile, Horror Rock (Sub Rosa Studios) promises “the most gruesome scenes from your favorite fright flicks” set to (I think) live performances by the Dickies, Elvis Hitler, and the Del-Lords (this was filmed back in ’88, if you can’t tell). No idea which of my favorite fright flicks appear here, tho.

And lastly, there’s Purvos (Brain Damage), about a child abuse victim who adopts his father’s circus routine – Purvos the Clown – in order to butcher prostitutes. Delightful. The 77-year-old Conrad Brooks from Plan 9 From Outer Space, the films of Dave “Rock” Nelson, and countless other no-budget horror movies, is top-billed.

Cue the trailer:

Forbidden Desires (Secret Key) features Darian Caine as a sweet young thing who takes a cue from Green Acres and gives up city living for the country life – where she meets a barnyard full of horny lesbians! This is exactly like every experience I’ve ever had in an agricultural setting, only for some reason, there were a lot less lesbians (or they didn’t look like Iris Blu, Alexia Moore, or any of the other gals on display in this picture). I must’ve been going to the wrong farms. Also from Secret Key this week: Stunning Nudes of the 1950s, a four-hour, double-disc collection of post-war nudie loops, including lots of burlesque and nudist camp shorts. Got a senior citizen in your life who could use a charge in his (or her) life?

Also on the classy tip this week: Slave Widow (Cinema Epoch), a 1967 drama about a widow who pays off her husband’s debts by becoming a sex slave to one of his creditors (and the creditor’s son). It’s black-and-white and lightweight by most American (and Japanese) sexploitation standards, but it’s beautifully shot and should appeal to collectors of smut from the Land of the Rising Sun.

And occupying a space 360 degrees to the opposite of Slave Widow is Pimp My Wife (Koch Releasing), a delightful take on reality shows with porn stars Ariana Jollee, Tyler Faith and Cytherea taking average housewives and treating them to the heaven that is fucking male porn stars. It’s basically the Screw My Wife Please! series minus the hardcore penetration. Yeesh. However, it probably doesn’t come close to the level of sleaze lurking just below the faux Father Knows Best vibe in Gene Simmons Family Jewels: The Best of Seasons 1 and 2 (A&E Home Video).

The Clash: Tory Crimes and Other Tales (Classic Rock Legends) is a two-disc set of documentaries on the venerable punk band. An interview with original drummer Terry Chimes is largely the focus for the first feature, The Punk Era, while Bored in the USA charts their assault on the American market. I imagine the footage included here is familiar to hardcore Clash fans, but newcomers might appreciate the excess of live performances on display.

Also on the budget rock doc front: T. Rex: Metal Guru and Black Sabbath: Master of Reality, both from Koch, and both full of interviews and public domain live footage and other ephemera.

No actual scenes on hand from these DVDs, but enjoy these Clash, T. Rex and Sabbath clips all the same: