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Deep Inside Jenna's Pussy. By Sleazegrinder _____________________________________________________________________________________ |
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"Puts a goddess in your pocket
and smile on your face!"
Hey Man... I've got a pink vibrating dildo and some numbing dick cream that needs to be reviewed. Interested? If so, I'll ship it with your newest request list. - Clyde ...and I say, “No thank you, sir!” because first of all, just what is Clyde suggesting with this dildo? And also, what could I possibly do with dick numbing cream? Perhaps if I wanted to do surgery on myself, it would come in handy, but otherwise, I feel safer when there is sensation down there. So then he says, “Ok, what about a rubber vagina?” and I say “Sure”, because rubber vaginas never hurt anybody, far as I know. A week or so later, Jenna Jameson’s Masturbator Pussy arrives in a shiny silver and purple box. I stare at it. Stacey stares it. I pull it out of the box. Stacey laughs and says, “You’re on your own, pal”, and walks away. I sit there and study this curious new object. Since I do not watch any of that disco porn bullshit she does at Vivid or Wicked or wherever, I must confess to never really paying much attention to Jenna’s pussy. I’m not sure if it’s quite this pink in real life. |
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If so, then she probably needs some
Penicillin, because it looks a little raw. Between the lips, of course,
there’s a small but flexible hole, and it is attached to a foot-long shaft
with Kung-Fu Grip bumps all along the sides. It looks like a Moray Eel, if
you turned the fucker inside out. It is perhaps the last thing any
sane man would want to stick his dick into. As the Ultimate Degenerate
remarked when I described it to home over the phone last Sunday, it looks
like “Jenna’s pussy as designed by Ed Gein”. Just the good parts, right?
So much for sanity. That shit’s over-rated. Let’s
dance, little lady.
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I have never had sex with an inanimate object before – this is science, brothers and sisters – so I just kinda went for it, to see what would happen. I didn’t fit, initially (whoa, big fella!) so I had to stretch the hole open with my fingers, and then just sorta jammed myself into it. It made a strange pop, like when a vacuum cleaner sucks up a tennis ball, which should have been a warning signal, but there was some crazy shit on the TV – Hungarian nurses in latex - so I was ready to roll. I gripped the slimy shaft and fuckin’ went for it, dude. It was so tight I thought my penis was suffocating, and it was so dry that it refused to come out. |
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It was like one of those Chinese finger puzzles. I panicked, and almost blacked-out. Then I just slipped my index fingers around the rim of the hole and yanked. I slid out, chafed and shriveled. Jenna, your rubbery pussy is no damn good! What? You’re supposed to use lubricant? Well, that’s different.
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Two days later, after getting all worked up
over this dumb
tight jeans forum,
I decided to give Jenna another try. I poured half a bottle of liquid
KY in there (umm, I have some on hand for French fries) and watched as
it poured out of the other end, leaving a potentially hazardous puddle of
Glycerin on the floor. I wonder if the real Jenna is this much trouble?
Anyway, this time I get right in there, grasp the handle, and think of
Mexican chicks in hip-huggers.
Listen, I know pussy, and this is not pussy, unless pussy now comes in a room temperature version. No, this feels more like what it actually is – a dumb, embarrassing idea, crafted exclusively for psychotic shut-ins. |
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It is a slimy, weird, ugly mess of a situation, and
if you find yourself in it for any reason besides science and/or cash
prizes, woe unto you, motherfucker.
Which is not to say it didn’t work. Hell, two minutes later, I was ready for a nap on the couch. Thanks, Jenna! Here’s the problem, though. Say you actually like fucking rubber holes. When yr finished, you are left with a horrific pile of rubber, spent semen, soiled lubricant, and Jenna Jameson pussy-flakes. Exactly what do you with THAT? Says here, you rinse it out with warm, soapy water. Jesus fuckin’ Christ. Luckily, I get these things for free, so I can just throw it away and wait for the next one to arrive. If you are not so lucky, then…well, perhaps I can just impart some wisdom on you. Noted rock n’ roll philosopher and cocksman-from-way-back-when Pepsi Sheen once wrote that the best way to get into a woman’s pants was to “Ask nicely”. It works like a charm, believe me. I suggest you take his advice, and leave the body-part fucking to serial killers. And to all the serial killers among us, you can by Jenna’s pussy from our pals at Movies By Mail for like, $30. -FIN-
-Sleazegrinder |
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Bad Girl City Home Sleaze Home |
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So,
I got an email from my porno Super Boss at Rancho Carne a few weeks
ago. They wanna branch out into the sex toy peddling business, you see.
So, the email says: 