We open in a Bay Area bedroom, with a Dippity-Do’d Joey Silvera and Amber Hunt sandwiching a perky blonde who is naked save for one long, blue, thigh-high stocking. And in tried and true fashion, the kissing turns to fondling, the fondling turns to sucking and licking, and pretty soon, off come Joey’s boxer shorts, and he’s ready to do his thing. But instead of diving straight into the pussy, Joey stands up and says, “Let’s get it off, all right?” And with a couple of tugs, he removes the blonde’s blue stocking – to reveal a shapely leg that terminates in a bony nub just above where her ankle would be (if she had one…). Hee-hee-hee, giggle the girls, as if Joey has accomplished a particularly good magic trick. Gulp.

But instead of calling a halt to the action, Amber and Joey and Miss Blondie-No-Foot start fucking away, first Joey and Blondie, then Amber and Joey, and then finally, Joey sits reverse cowgirl style on the prone Amber’s chest, while Blondie lies back and starts probing Amber’s twat with her stump. Pretty soon, like a bony tapeworm, it’s worked its way inside Amber, and she’s jamming away like a regular stallion. A few minutes later, Joey lets out a strangled gasp and pops off – right on the stump. More giggling and relieved sighs.

AAAGH!

Thus begins the tribute to Long Jeanne Silver, ‘70s burlesque dancer, Cheri layout model, biker mama, and the first amputee porn superstar. As documented by the late Alex De Renzy (the “classy” kinkster behind Femmes De Sade, Baby Face and countless others), Jeanne’s life is a sunny string of encounters with curious and strong-stomached swingers who have long ached to answer the question, “What would a warm, flesh-covered bowling pin feel like in my ass and/or pussy?” As it turns out, the answer is: pretty damn good, judging from the skyrocket orgasms experienced by the cast as Jeanne dipsticks them in the course of this 65-minute feature. Of course, a few more dramatic reactions slip through the film’s Stump-Fucking is Great façade; Paul Thomas looks like he’s about to lose his lunch after he eyeballs Jeanne’s pegleg sounding the depths of his wife’s cunt, and though Lori Blue’s line is, “It’s always good to try new things!” after she and China Leigh are propositioned by Jeanne, her voice and eyes scream, “Don’t put that thing anywhere NEAR me.” (Her obviously terrified reading causes Jeanne to burst into gales of hysterical laughter.) I’m not even gonna get into the guy who takes Jeanne’s appendage in his ass up her non-ankle – suffice it to say that his passing-a-kidney-stone groans and her enthusiastic stomping is enough to send any well-adjusted individual, gay or straight, running for the nearest exit.

From a regular-Joe mindset, Long Jeanne Silver is freakshow material, nothing more, nothing less. The vanilla sex isn’t particularly vigorous, and De Renzy’s direction, while smotheringly obsessive in its need to capture every frame of Jeanne’s stump in people’s orifices, is otherwise by-the-books. Having said that, if your particular tastes run towards amputee sex or extreme bedroom escapades of any kind, this might be your Holy Grail. Jeanne is cheery to a fault, horny as a dog in August, and appears genuinely excited by the reactions, real or otherwise, to her handicap; if you were gonna have sex with an amputee, you’d want her to be as turned-on as Jeanne seems. I doubt if the film is gonna make you a convert to the exciting world of stump sex; chances are, it will either be the movie you unleash on your friends to see who screams first, or the crown jewel in your collection of cinematic kink.

Since Long Jeanne Silver has been the subject of numerous rough edits (and outright bans; according to Bill Landis, the picture was given the heave-ho in New York after one week) over the past thirty years, it’s been difficult to find an uncut version among the bootleg copies available on the grey market, but Alpha Blue’s DVD is apparently the complete version. As with their other recent DVD titles, it also features a wealth of extras, both Jeanne-related and otherwise: viewers can check out her entire Cheri layout in a still gallery, as well as photos of her stage show (including one jaw-dropping shot in which she comes awful damn close to stuffing her own snatch with her leg). There’s also a grisly bonus clip from 1981’s Desire For Men pits an older, tattooed Jeanne against a fire-breathing Carol Connors; cutaways to a Frankenstein tranny getting banged from behind by a big black dude, and Connors giving Herschel Savage’s scrotum a savage yank, heighten the clip’s Very Bad atmosphere to breathtaking levels. Queasy viewers may want to stick with the battery of trailers for other ABA DVDs, including Dominatrix Without Mercy and The Story of Joanna.

 – The Ultimate Degenerate

Ahoy, mateys! Here’s a feisty interview with Long Jeanne herself, courtesy Alpha Blue Archives: Long_Jeanne_Silver