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The Chronicles of
Vantasia |
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"The Earth ain't bad/ Just the bastards
on it" -
Alien Sex Fiend, "Another Planet"  Whenever starry-eyed,
glamazonian porn star Vantasia calls me from her cell phone
somewhere in the Nevada desert, there is a forced ‘woofing’ in the
background, like a hound dog that’s cornered a fox. But whenever I ask her
about it, Vantasia asserts that not only does she not have a dog,
but she also literally lives in the desert, and doesn’t have any
neighbors, with or without barking dogs. And then she laughs, a quick,
joyful hiccup of a sound. Vantasia, you see, is convinced that it’s
the rest of US that are quite mad, not her. And ya know what? She’s
probably right. I suppose some explanation is in order, but like most occurrences in the Vantasia-verse, there really isn’t one. Certainly, I remember seeing Vantasia in a series of Rodney Moore’s over-the-top cock smoker flicks, and was captivated by the strangely distant manner in which she performed, like a dizzy, playful ghost that didn’t know anybody could actually see her. How writing a few admittedly overwrought odes to the mysterious Vantasia on Bad Girl City developed into a maddeningly random series of phone calls full of bizarre, rambling, too-strange-for-fiction tales is yet another mystery. But hey, I’m a rock writer, I can roll with it. These then, are the Chronicles of Vantasia, the maybe-probably-could be true stories of one flame-haired sex star’s journey through a world that looks kind of like this one, only weirder. And with more stars in the sky. _____________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Part 1: Fingered November 17th, 2003. 10:55 PM, EST Vantasia: Hey, I have something I gotta tell you. Sleaze: Who is this? It’s Vantasia. Oh, ok. What’s up? So, I was 17, and I was working at this donut place where you had to wear pink underwear. You sold donuts in your underwear? Huh? No. In like, regular clothes. Jeans. So why’d you have to wear pink underwear? I dunno. I never asked. I think the guy that ran it was a perv. Where was this? Down the street from my house. No, what city? What city? Nevermind. |
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Ok, so one day this guy comes in, he’s like 40, and I go, “Can I help
you?” and he says “Large coffee, black", and I said “Ok” and I gave it to
him. But when I was giving him his change he says, “So, you like X?” and I
say, “Sure!” What kinda X? I don’t know, but I figure any kind of X is usually fun, right? So, I say "Ok, I like X", and he says, "Let’s do X today." And I still had 6 hours to go, but he came back after work and met me. He had a truck. What kind of trunk? What? What kind of truck? Yeah. Forget it. Ok, so we leave the donut shop, and we’re driving around listening to the radio, but he’s not saying anything, just driving. And then, after awhile, he says, “We gotta go see my friend John”, and I said Ok, because I figure John must have the X, whatever the X is. What time is it now? Now, or then? Then. |
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Like, nighttime. And we’re bouncing around down this dirt road, nothing
around, for a long time, before we come to this house, and it’s all
beat-up and rusty, and now I’m kind of scared, but also, I really want
some X-whatever. So what happens? So, he says "Follow me", and we go into the house and there’s nobody in there, except for crates and weird bottles and things. And a few chairs, and a bed. What do you think was going on there? I don’t know, but he says, “I know all you donut girls wear pink underwear”. Everybody knew that. And then he says, “Let me see yours!” Yikes! |
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So I showed him my underwear. No big deal. Then what? Then he’s tugging at my jeans, trying to get them the rest of the way down, and he’s saying, like, "C’mon, let’s fuck! And calling me a whore, and stuff. Oh no! But I always used to carry a pocket knife in my back pocket, because I have big boobs, you know, so guys are always giving me trouble. You stabbed him? I did. I cut his finger off, accidentally. What?! I just stabbed, him, just kind of wild, you know. I didn’t mean to cut his finger off, but the tip of his finger fell off. Fell right on the floor. So what did you do? I was just kind of stuck there, scared, and he was screaming at me. Blood was pouring from the rest of his finger, and he was screaming for me to take him to the hospital. So did you!? No. I said “Fuck you, mister!” I mean, he was trying to rape me, so what did I care? |
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Then I ran out and took his truck before he
could catch me. I left it in the woods. He must’ve found it, cuz it was gone the next day. That’s pretty crazy. So, ok, so it turns out, this guy was a serial killer, and he already killed three girls! On the news, they had pictures of him, and I said, “I know that guy! I showed him my pink underwear!” Did you turn him in? No. I already cut off his finger, I didn’t want to do anything worse to him! Did he eventually get caught? Oh yeah, they caught him. I don’t think it’s too hard to find a guy with 9 fingers... ______________________________________________________________________________________ |
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| Next Chronicle: Lesbian Tourbus. Wherein the young Vantasia gets another job involving her underwear. Coming soon! | |
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Pics from
Rodney Moore's Bada Bimbos. Buy Vantasia DVD's the Bad Girl City Superstore. -Sleazegrinder Bad Girl City Home Sleaze Home |
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