Bon Jovi
 Slippery When Wet
1986, Mercury Records
By Pepsi Sheen
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"It's like my painter friend, Donald said to me...." (-Lou Reed)

"Little is needed to waste a man..." (-Stiv Bators)

"I went to church incognito..." (-Alice Cooper)

"It don’t take much to get me down..." (-Action Swingers)

"Goddamit-each of us is alone in the fuckin' universe..." (-Uncle Junior; Sopranos)


It's increasingly apparent that stardom and respectability are mere commodities you have to buy.

 I remember listening to the Howard Stern Show on the radio, when I lived in NYC as a teen, and kinda liking both "Runaway", and "Livin' On A Prayer"...but, sheesh!! I just saw this U.K. rock'n'roll Hall Of Fame Special, and both President Clinton and Al Gore were trotted out to congratulate Bon Jovi and pretend like they were Van Halen, or something! Now I understand that's because Jon tirelessly campaigned for Skull N Bones Kerry, and gave millions to the Democratic Party, but then came Dave Stewart from the Eurythmics, Joe Elliot from the 'Leps, and even, our very own Flash Metal Patron Saint, Little Steven (Lords of the New Church/Mike Monroe producer/Disciples Of Soul/Garage Rock DJ/Springsteen sideman/plays Sylvio on the Sopranos/organized the Sun City project) and they all went on and on, like payroll lackeys, or paid publicists, about the Beatlesque songwriting genius of Bon Jovi/Sambora. I got physically ill. This is history revisionism of the worst kind. "Bad Medicine"? "Wanted Dead Or Alive"? You're kidding, right?! I thought we'd gotten rid of those steel-horsed cowboys and their power ballad bullshit, back with Nirvana.
 
The dude owns a sports team for fuck's sake. Career highlights included the Doc McGhee Anti-Drug Concert in Russia to raise funds to help keep Vince outta the hoozgow for accidentally killing Razzle. Exploiting the Skid Row publishing. His cameos in Young Guns II and Ally McBeal....He shamelessly pimps for Wal-Mart. I think they ousted longtime, original bassist, Alec Jon Such for being an alcoholic. Watch your back, Tico! He got rid of the frosted girl-perm, and got a razor cut, conservative shag, starts buying shit for orphans on Oprah, and all of a sudden, we're supposed to take this guy's formulaic, arena crap seriously? He HATES Axl, and can not remotely understand why he's not as beloved. Hilarious. I kinda understand that Little Steven has a soft spot for anybody from New Jersey--the same way my Detroit crew have no objectivity about anything from Detroit-they all gotta love Seduce, Insane Clown Posse, New Radicals, Eminem, Sponge, anything from the hometown.

But C'mon! He sucked ass in the 80's. I blame him for Warrant and Slaughter, Firehouse and Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn". He sucks worse now. "Have A Nice Day"?? Bon Jovi has always been the posterboy for soulless corporate wank, best enjoyed by nail-technicians and tanning booth operators, who've paid $300/pop to flash their sagging ta-tas in a sports stadium. His keyboardist, Dave Bryan, has the worst hair in the history of rock, including Styx and Kansas. His guitarist is only famous for banging that annoying hairdye shill, Heather Whatsername from T.J. Hooker. Bon Jovi sucks.

-Pepsi used to work on the docks...

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