(There is a disclaimer on the cover of this DVD that reads: “Contains Nudity and Sexual Situations. Parental Discretion Strongly Suggested.”. This cracked me up, in the same way in which, having just purchased a jar of cashews, I noticed that the label informed me that this product “may contain nuts.” I just bought a jar of nuts; there fucking better be nuts in it!)

Seduction Cinema and Retro-Seduction Cinema have paired a couple of movies that both use the “psychiatrist uncovers sexual fantasies” theme. In the 2003 version, Darian Caine, Kelli Summers, and Ruby LaRocca all confess their lesbian fantasies to ‘psychiatrist’ Katie Jordon. And here’s a weird thing: I was more turned on by the scenes in the psychiatrist’s office than I was by the fantasies themselves. The girls are all hot, so you’d think that the scenes with the girls engaging in their forbidden sexual fantasies would also be hot. But you would be wrong, and here is a list of reasons why:

1.      The kissing was as dry as, um,well, things that are dry. I’m pretty sure I’ve kissed my grandmother with more passion than these girls could seem to muster up for each other. Maybe they were just trying not to mess up each other’s lipstick.

2.      There was music, but no sound. No grunts or sighs or moans or slurping or sucking noises, just this crappy music that didn’t even remotely suggest sexiness to me.

3.      Maybe I’ve been under the mistaken assumption all these years that cunnilingus actually happens BELOW the belly button. I like to get my navel licked, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never had an orgasm as a result of it. Maybe they know something I don’t; I’ll have to look into it.

4.      Darian Caine’s red manicure was impeccable. I found it distracting.

Maybe I’m just being too hard on this film; soft-core does have its limitations. But it didn’t really do anything for me. And trust me, I kept checking: I remained as dry as those kisses.

Strangely, I found the 1973 version much sexier, despite its 1973-ness. Also known as the “Three Phases of Eve,” it stars Sandi Carey as Eve, a housewife with three distinct personalities: Eve #1 is uptight (which means she’ll only fuck her husband), Eve #2 is ‘sensual’ (which means she’ll fuck her husband and a stranger she picks up at a bar), and Eve #3 is a swinging nymphomaniac (which means she’ll fuck her therapist and two women and a guy she meets at a party). Eve is a good time. So even though Eve’s therapist, played by Rick Lutz, shows up at the party wearing the most outrageous jumpsuit you’ll ever see, you’ll still get turned on, I promise.

I hope that was helpful. I’d give you a more in-depth analysis, but I have to run. I’m late for my appointment…  _____________________________________________________

- Holly