So, a bunch of hot German chicks dressed in tight silver spacesuits and Astro Zombies helmets swoop down onto a remote ski resort to drain the local male populace of their sperm. You guessed it, they have come from Venus, where all sexy, horny galaxy- girls are from, to breed with Earth men and repopulate their planet. Now, I am totally willing to go along with this premise. No sperm at home, you gotta go out and get some. But why land on a nearly empty mountaintop? There’s only half a dozen men in the entire village, and all of ‘em have big crusty moustaches!

So, they’re not too bright, these space bitches. They run around the tiny town stealing people’s clothes and assuming their identities – cop, nun, um…ski instructor, etc. I think this is mostly so they can eat up screen time with stunts, like an out-of-control motorcycle ride through the town square (it’s so obviously a dude on the bike that it becomes an unintentional laugh riot) or a not-so high speed sled vs. skis run down the mountain. The nun manages to lure a few guys to the spaceship, where they have tubes clamped to their crotches and get a “gallon” of goo extracted from their balls. When they complain to the space-nun that they have nothing to arouse them, she takes off her clothes and lets them out of their shackles, but instead of fucking her, they just walk out. And that’s the whole scene.

Significantly, that’s pretty much the only time in the film when guys don’t take the opportunity to mandhandle the spacesluts. Almost every sex scene is a pseudo-rape, and even though they’re all brief and not very graphic, the forced-entry vibe sucks all the erotic potential out of the scenes. And so, you are left with the comedy. I mentioned that this film is German, right?

There’s a climactic riot in the beer hall while an oompah band plays, just in case you were thinking, “This movie sounds like it needs an oompah band scene”. It also has a senseless ending that’s so treacly, two of my teeth fell out while the end credits rolled.

Listen, this is no Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman, or even Nude On the Moon, but if you’re not expecting too much, you’ll have fun with this. The spacesuits and silver-glitter make-up are retro-licious, and there’s a boner-popping lesbo scene near the end that’s almost worth the tedium of the first hour. Almost.

Seduction released this one before, just a few years ago. That version had a cybersex themed softcore stroker starring Misty Mundae. This time around they’re keeping the “retro” gimmick intact, and have included another flub-dubbed German titty-flick, “Run Virgin Run” as bonus feature. It looked a lot like late-night cable staple “Confessions of a Window Cleaner”, except much, much worse, and I had to give up after about five minutes of dusty narration and ‘bawdy’ bedroom hijinks. I will say that the naked 70’s Euro-babes montage during the opening credits was quite enthralling. You could probably squeeze a quick one out during that two-minute sequence, if you were like, 14. In fact, I probably did. We had Cinemax back then.

Also on the disc: a swell sampling of other Retro-Seduction titles, and a few vintage radio spots, and liner notes from Chris Poggiali, the guy who used to edit the excellent Temple of Schlock fanzine. ________________________________________________________________

- Sleazegrinder