Like I have anything so god damn important to do that I can’t write a fucking movie review. Who am I, Ronald Mc Donald or someone of that nature?

Like I don’t have time for you.

I’ll always make time for you, and we’ll always be together, I promise.

Nothing will ever stop me from loving you.

So anyway, I’ll give you my Sin City review, making this 2, 2, 2 reviews in one.

It was...aight.

Not great, not bad, just aight.

Don’t rush out to see it (not sure you can now anyway..) but buy the DVD when it comes out, it’s worth having to see Jessica Alba swing around a pole on a cowboy suit.

She’s plays a stripper that doesn’t get naked and that’s just fine.

All you can see is her stomach but it's better than seeing 10 or 20 other hot chicks totally naked (and maybe even doing it).

Jessica Alba makes me want to slam my dick in a car door and chop my head off.

She’s THAT hot.

I’m pretty sure I will never have bang her so I won’t need my dick (or head) anyway.

I’ll prove to the world I can get along fine without them.

I will go on to have a series of adventures as a headless, dickless secret agent working both sides.

Both sides of the Chinese…er...mafia? no....hmmm.

I guess just the Chinese.

They always seem to be up to something, I just don’t trust them. I'm always sure to tip the delivery guy really good though so if I ever “go deep” I’ll have some friends for informants/safe houses and whatnot.

But hey, enough about me,  let’s talk about The Amityville Horror!

Or I can just write about it, you actually don’t have to say anything.

It’s all me.

Now...I really didn’t want to see this movie because it looked lame.

Lately, though, I’ve been trying to stay away from the excess partying and looking for normal (boring) shit to do.

This fit the bill nicely.

Or at least it was something other than sitting home and jerking off between computer breaks.

I show up at my friends house around 7PM and ..he’s totally wasted.

And doing blow.

Now I’ve been known to do some drugs myself from time to time, but usually I have to be pretty drunk before I think it's a good idea.

Actually once I’m drunk all KINDS of shit sounds like a good idea.

I was drunk last weekend and slept on the street in the pouring rain and thought that was just fine.

Actually I was fucking kind of pissed about that, it seemed reasonable, not fine.

I go up to the fridge and grab a beer, just one beer, as I figure I’m obviously going to be doing the driving.

Upon my return, I see he’s browsing Craigslist and looking at escorts.

“Fuck the movie, let’s get some chicks”!

Hmmm.

Who would I be to argue with that?

Sounds reasonable.

I go back upstairs and bring a 12 pack down.

We go through a bunch of listings, writing down numbers of the hot ones, once we had 5 or 6 it was time to start shopping.

I have never bought a pro in my life but was always intrigued by the idea.

Unfortunately, I am germ-phobic to the point that I’m about to be invited on a day time TV show to discuss it.

I knew even as I was browsing with him there was no way in hell I was even drinking out of the same glass as one of these chicks.

No way.

Not even after this 3rd beer.

Cuz like…

I mean they use condoms right?

They must…

Ah well, I guess we’ll see what happens...

He starts ringing numbers and no one is around.

He’s leaving more desperate coked out messages than Nicole Brown Simpson.

Finally we hear the phone ring….

We got one on the hook.

Turns out she was working just a few miles away and could be over within the hour.

We were looking for just one (we were both going to share) but it turns out she is traveling with a friend that she will throw in for free for the regular $200 fee.

Our first time and we’re already getting chicks for 50% off.

It’s nice when you find out you’re good at something, makes you feel good.

So now we know they are coming and we start running around the house like retards trying to figure out what we should be doing.

We have real live hookers coming over to have sex with us for money and we want the atmosphere to be….oh, just right.

For some reason my friend decides to dress up like Hugh Hefner.

Not sure why, but he puts on a bathrobe and starts walking around the house lighting candles.

We had a cheesy Cinemax porn up on the big screen, and I made him change it because I thought it would make us look too desperate.

This is an irony free zone here.

So the magic time arrives, and up the walk they come.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, all the hookers I’ve seen In movies are always supermodels dressed like superheroes or something.

These girls looked like they lived next door (literally) and were dressed in sweatshirts, sneakers and jeans.

They were 21 and 22 and both kinda cute.

Cute...like college girl cute.

Which was fine ,but not what I was expecting at all, they seemed way too normal.

Once they came in and sat down ( each getting a drink and a few lines) I started feeling very dirty and bad.

If they were movie hookers it would be easier to justify this, but these girls looked like chicks I would see at a party in Charlestown or Allston.

Just like, regular hang out chicks.

At this point I KNOW I’m not doing anything, I was still way too sober.

The girl we called ( a chunky little blonde with big boobs ) asked what the deal was.

My friend was in the bathroom getting out his 12 beers at the time which was perfect since he wouldn’t get to see me pussy out of this.

“Um…I think it’s just going to be you and him”.

They seemed ok with that, the other (a redhead with a perfect body) was going to hang with me while the blonde went upstairs and read my friends Tarot cards.

After a few minutes of bullshit conversation and her showing me her tattoo on the small of her back (which almost made me change my no hooker policy) I just had to ask her a few real questions.

Suddenly I turn into Tom Snyder interviewing KISS, this chick was way more street than me.

Like REAL street, not press kit street.

She seemed pretty cool and actually intrigued that I was interested in her “work”.

In our hour together I learned; she had a boyfriend and he didn’t know about her job
( oh snap!), she doesn’t do anything anal, 99% of all her calls are “normal” people, no happy endings above the neck, $200 for sex, everything else is negotiable, she wants to be a graphic designer and….you can go down on her but only with a dental dam or cellophane.

All too soon, our time together ended.

My friend was too coked out to get it up and they basically just flopped around on his bed for an hour trying to make something happen.

He paid her in full, however, and the 2 unassuming hooker chicks rode off into the sunset.

Or night.

As it were.

Or was.

By that time it was too late to go to the movies and I was about drunk enough to start doing drugs. I’m sure the movie sucks anyway, rent the original.

Come to think of it, that kind of sucked too.

Go see Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, that looks aight.

Or just wait a few weeks and see Star Wars.

Or better yet, just figure out your own shit to do.

Who am I ?

Mr. I’m going to tell you what to do?

Please, I got Ebay listings to make, I’m a busy man.

Busy with.... various projects and such.

-V-