Earlier today, I was on the phone with Sleazegrinder and bitching about how I had to review this new four-disc set from MGM, which features the original Amityville Horror movie and its first two sequels, and has been released to tie in with the new and very flashy-looking theatrical remake (see V’s review here). And yeah, I know what you’re saying: boo fucking hoo, pal, you’ve gotta watch a bunch of movies and write about ‘em – poor pitiful you. But lemme ask you something: have you seen the ’79 Amityville Horror recently? And if so – can you tell me what the heck was the big deal? The movie, like the book by Jay Anson that inspired it, made a mint for legendary producer Samuel Z. Arkoff (he of American International Pictures), and I’m kinda wondering how that happened, because while well-acted by James Brolin and Margot Kidder as George and Kathy Lutz, the hapless couple that bought the Long Island property for a song, only to flee it 28 days later under a hail of alleged supernatural phenomena, the picture is totally inert. True, there was a major fanbase thanks to Jay Anson’s best-selling book, and the advertising campaign (“FOR GOD’S SAKE, GET OUT!”) certainly helped. And there’s a lot of crashing and booming of various prop pieces (the only thing louder is Rod Steiger’s hands-off-the-wheel turn as the local priest), and yep, the toilets and walls run black with goop and flies, but any sense of fear from the proceedings comes from the relentless destruction of the sets and Lalo Schifrin’s warped nursery rhyme score, and not from Stuart Rosenberg’s disinterested direction or undercooked shock pieces like the appearance of “Jody the pig” (played by a pair of red light bulbs). I dunno – maybe it’s like Stephen King says in his invaluable Danse Macabre: this is a horror movie for homeowners (“Think of the insurance,” he recalls one theatergoer moaning) whose worst fear is not the Devil, but the contractor who tells them, “You want the good news or the bad news first?”

While in no means a better picture, the 1982 sequel Amityville II: The Possession makes for livelier viewing, if only because it aims a lot lower than its predecessor, and offers up a parade of cheap thrills instead of low-wattage scares. The Possession is actually a prequel to the first picture, as it concerns the events that took place at the property prior to the Lutz’s arrival – specifically, the shotgun murders of the entire DeFeo family by their son, Ronald, who claimed that voices drove him to commit the crimes.  There’s probably a solid, suspenseful thriller somewhere in that horrible story (which is recounted in detail in the set’s fourth disc, Amityville Confidential), but that’s not the movie that director Damiano Damiani is making – he and his hyperactive camera offer up a woozy blend of Exorcist retread, monster movie and sexploitation (eldest son Jack Manger can’t keep his hands off sister Diane Franklin; loutish dad Burt Young bitches audibly about frigid wife Rutanya Alda), which shuttles towards the murders at warp speed before crashing and burning in a ludicrous heap of Satan-get-thee-hence emoting between priest James Olson and Manger, who attempts to one-up Linda Blair’s scabby-faced transformation by mutating into a monster seemingly designed by Willy Wonka (hard-candy outer shell, slimy, reptilian surprise inside). There’s little attempt to tell a coherent story, and Damiani’s full-tilt exuberance sometimes results in laugh-out-loud lunacy (the demonic forces grumpily toss a tablecloth over the family crucifix; a worker is pelted by falling shit in the basement crawlspace), but unlike the ’79 film, Amityville II is rarely dull. Just insane.

Orion Pictures, which had acquired the Amityville series after absorbing AIP in the early ‘80s, attempted to class up the franchise by bringing aboard Hollywood director Richard Fleischer (Fantastic Voyage, The Boston Strangler) to handle the third go-round, as well as accomplished (if not particularly famous) actors like Woody Allen regular Tony Roberts, Tess Harper, and Candy Clark (as well as then-fledgling performers Lori Loughlin and Meg Ryan), and a fairly serious script that strove mightily to separate itself from the two previous films. Unfortunately, they also decided to shoot it in 3-D (which was enjoying a brief and ultimately ill-fated revival in the early ‘80s, which resulted in Friday the 13th Part 3, Parasite, and Comin’ At Ya!, among others), which made any attempt at supernatural thrills moot in face of coming up with new ways to shove pointed objects into the camera (best of which is a pipe that rockets through Clark’s windshield; worst is the free-floating tree branch that jiggles into frame during the opening credits – unfortunately, since the disc offers the “flat” 2-D version of the film, you don’t get the full effect). Amityville 3-D isn’t a grimy mess like Amityville II, nor is it as knuckleheaded as the half-dozen TV and direct-to-video sequels that followed in its wake; if anything, it generates the same half-hearted shrug as the first film.

Given the mediocrity of the three films in this collection, MGM might’ve just shipped them off to stores without a single extra, but surprisingly, they’ve worked up a decent collection of supplemental features for this package. Naturally, The Amityville Horror offers the lion’s share of the bells and whistles (though U.K. editions of the sequels offer commentary and even the 3-D version of the third film), including the original trailer and radio spots, as well as a short interview featurette with Brolin and Kidder (who apparently didn’t – and still don’t – like each other much), and an amusingly cranky commentary track by parapsychologist Hans Holzer, who investigated the real house. Amityville II and 3-D are accompanied by their theatrical trailers, while the fourth disc, Amityville Confidential, presents a pair of History Channel documentaries on the case, as well as a promo reel on the new theatrical version. Trailers for other MGM horror titles, including Lucky (May) McKee’s new feature, The Woods, Jeepers Creepers 2, and Species 3, round out the set. Again, I dunno – there are better haunted house pictures out there (oh, really, you say? Yep – try the ’63 version of The Haunting, or The Haunting of Hell House, if ya don’t believe me), so I’m baffled by the continued popularity of this series, which clearly ran out of steam after the first picture. But as with sex, there are fans for every stripe and flavor of horror film, so if you’re in the Amityville camp, you’ll probably dig this set.