I’m of two minds
about this DVD, which purports to be “hot” (it says so right on the cover)
and feature “Wild girls! Drunken girls! Naked Girls!” and “Out of control
sex, drunken brawls, [and] crazy parties” (again, from the packaging), as
well as behind the scenes footage, trailers, and even clips from Spring
Break 2005. None of this is true – not even remotely so. What you get
after popping Spring Break 2006 into your DVD player is about 80
minutes of handheld camcorder footage from what appears to be two overcast
days at Spring Break on South Padre Island, Texas. Most of the footage
consists of wild, ragged pans across the crowds of Spring Breakers as they
mill about on the sand and guzzle beer; the photography is at times so
violently erratic (think a CNN cameraman attempting to evade sniper fire
in Iraq) that I would strongly advise against eating before or while you
watch the disc. But you know, crappy camerawork isn’t a deal breaker for
me, as long as I can see something – like those drunken brawls and crazy
parties. Sadly, that ain’t the case either – we get about two seconds of a
gal popping her top, and a few frantic moments with a couple of girls
making out with or grinding against guys. But both scenes are complete
washouts, since the cameraman is either unable or afraid to zero in on the
action because of the throng of hooting apemen that spontaneously form
around anything that wears a bikini (the gang-rape vibe generated by these
mobs is pretty off-putting too). So what you get with Spring Break 2006
is ugly drunks and a migraine headache from the eye-straining camerawork.
If you really want that, you can save yourself the time and money and just
stare out your window for the next eight or nine hours without blinking.
You’ll get the same result, I’m sure.
But like I said,
I’m of two minds about this DVD. Yes, it’s a bald-faced ripoff, a total
sham from start to finish produced with the sole intent of fleecing horny
guys looking for masturbation material but are too shy or nervous to rent
porn. But I have to admit that in a way, I admire such a blatant con job –
I mean, it takes a pair of solid brass balls to build up so much hype with
your cover art and then deliver NONE of it in the movie. That’s just
old-school chutzpah, cut from the same cloth as the ‘60s sexploitation
producers who promised every stripe of perversion under the sun in their
movies and then offered up flabby broads in saggy granny panties. And they
still got paid – as will the folks at Central Film Company Video, who I’m
sure will make their nut from the initial sales of Spring Break 2006
before word gets out that it’s a total turd. Admit it – such machinations
are totally underhanded, but you feel a little twinge of jealousy because
those fuckers got away with it, don’t you? I do. Though that might just be
the migraine. _______________________________________________________
-Paul Gaita
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