Like most of the chicks I dated in college, this flick’s got what you’d call a bad reputation. Folks speak of it in hushed whispers, like they’re all part of some grand secret Satanic conspiracy just ‘cuz they’ve seen it. So, you know, I was expecting the bloodbomb superdevil assfuck splatter-ride of my life when I popped Alucarda into the DVD player. I had the black candles all lit, the crosses were all upside down, Stacey laced herself into her black leather batwing corset, and we were both ready and willing to get dragged down to all unholy motherfucking hell with thing.

That’s not exactly how it all went down, however. Although we were sufficiently spent afterwards, blinking at one another in the murk of the midnight cathode rays and wondering what the fuck just happened to us, we did not feel much like we were punched in the face by a surly emissary of Hades. We felt more like we’d just spent two exhausting hours stuck in a room with a bunch of hysterical teenage girls who would not stop shrieking, no matter how much we begged them to stop. I suppose that means Alucarda is a successful horror movie, just not in the way they intended.

The film takes place in Mexico, apparently in the then-present (1975), but it could just as well have taken in place in the 16th century, because the only modern convenience in the whole movie is the laces on the inept doctor’s shoes. There’s a brief prologue involving a mysterious woman who pawns her baby off on some witch before unseen demons descend on her. That baby, apparently, is Alucarda’s doomed heroine (?), Justine. As the film rolls into motion, Justine is some frail, spooked late teen that gets dropped off in the most gothic looking convent you will ever see. It appears to have been scooped out of the side of a mountain, and every piece of furniture, besides the beds, is carved out of stone. The nuns are all part of some backwards self-flagellation cult, and they wear these hideous, disturbing habits and cloaks that look for all the world like bloody bandages. I guess Justine is the baby from the intro, and who knows how she ends up at the convent, but they set her up in a sparse, mud-walled room with Alucarda, a black-clad proto-goth chick who loves “Discovering mysteries! Let’s discover new mysteries together, Justine!” Well, the only real mystery worth investigating here is why Justine won’t stop screaming. I swear to Christ, there’s more high-pitched caterwauling in this movie then at an Italian widow convention. I don’t even know what her problem is-so they meet a bunch of gypsies and run around naked in the woods, so what? So one of the gypsies takes a rock to the head, big deal. It’s not like they were related or anything. Later on, Alucarda and Justine discover an abandoned church with a mysterious coffin. Alucadra opens it, they both get possessed, Justine screams some more, then all the nuns start imploding in balls of fire. They decide to beat the demons out of the girls, but it all goes awry, and much blood, fire, and mayhem ensues. At least Justine dies halfway through, and things get a little fuckin’ quieter as a result.

Ok, so it’s screechy nonsense, but all is not lost. There are a few good reasons why people like this whack-ass flick so much. One of the nuns gets her third-degree burned head chopped off. Everybody whips themselves into a bloody mess. Justine briefly turns into a naked, grue-strewn vampire. There’s some brief nude lesbo action. And there’s enough fearlessly sacreligious imagery in here to make the average black metal fan cream in his crusty leather pants. Pretty bad ass for 1975, I must admit. I just wish I had the sense to watch it with the mute button on.

By the way, you think one of these nuns would have seen this coming- I mean, the girl’s name is Dracula backwards, and she’s dressed for a funeral all the time. Doesn’t take an occult expert to figure out she’s no damn good.

Should you watch this one? Yeah, I reckon you oughta. They certainly don’t come much more gonzo-Satanic than Alucarda. Just keep some aspirin handy, because you’re going to need them.

-Sleazegrinder