gunssergio

GUNS (1990)
Directed by Andy Sidaris

Some folks think too much about films. They enshrine their favourites and deem´ em faultless and untouchable ´till the end of Time. The phrase "it´s only a movie" means squat to them. For those humanoid tapeworms, anything made since the persistence of vision was invented is pure dreck when compared to the genius of Kubrick, Bergman and Karazanwsky. Well, I have a weekend update for ya: generalissimo Francisco Franco´s not only still dead, but MOVIES AREN´T SUPPOSED TO BE A LIFE-ALTERING EXPERIENCE, GAWDAMMIT! Okay, some CAN be ´cause that´s the magic of cinema. But try saying that your life-changing flick was "Star Wars" or, in my particular case, "Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World". Nerds cannot kick your ass for that, but their smirk of faux superiority is extremely annoying. Those bespectacled froggers with overactive glands and complete lack of womanizing skills are constantly waiting for the next cinematic Messiah, to show the world that celluloid is not just a piece of plastic, but a hi-tech version of the Shroud of Turin where they imprint their blood as a sign of further miracles to come.
That brings me to Andy Sidaris´ films, that, in all fairness, are nothing else than send-ups to the action/adventure series of the 70´s. Sidaris isn´t Hitchcock and doesn´t have to be. We already had a REAL Hitchcock and, if you recall, his followers eventually fell flat on their faces when they ran out of McGuffins to steal. Sidaris is Wolverine. Not the best at what he does, but darn competent at it.
See, when I was a wee tot I never cared about things like plot, characterization or people yakkin´ exposition for more than 30 seconds. What I wanted to see was the car chases, explosions, high kicks and bikini girls with machine guns. Happy happy happy, joy joy joy! Of course, one day we have to grow old and abide to the rules of Society, that forces us to become, uh, "sophisticated". We ditch Hollywood blockbusters in public and pretend to like finnish art movies and David Lynch. But deep down inside, in the heart of that happy child we once were, we really want to get home in time for the Baywatch rerun. And that, friends and foes, is the spirit of Sidaris´ work. I´ve seen the polls at IMDb and voters aren´t fond of Andy´s flims. Well, screw ´em. They´re completely missing the point AND the fun. No wonder they die chaste!

I won´t go into detail about the plot of Guns. Not because we´ve all been there and saw that, but because there is no plot to be detailed. It´s something about guns firing, explosions, guns blazing, fast chases, big guns, ninjas, bigger guns, all sort of cool air-sea-land vehicles, really huge guns and Playmates showing their assets and tittets at regular intervals. Oh, this one also has a tranvestite hitman and ChiPs´ Ponch - er, Erik Estrada - as the baddie. Happy happy happy, joy joy joy!
Now, Sidaris´ flicks come to DVD as a 12-disc set chronicling the adventures of L.E.T.H.A.L. Force agents, an army of statuesque women with license to implant (some L.E.T.H.A.L. agents are men, but who cares?). They carry stun guns, explosive remote-controlled cars and sleeping pizzas (don´t ask!). They fly ultralites, ride nifty motorbikes, kick ass, mud wrestle and take off their clothes a lot. What´s not to like? To top it off, the Guns DVD is cheap but not el cheap-o. For under 15 bucks you have not only a crystal-clear transfer and decent surround sound. You also get a nice array of extras including an introduction by Andy and real-life 50 Foot Woman Julie Strain (always good and ready to show off her gonzagas, atta girl!), funny and informative commentary tracks, lots of clips of gorgeous Devin Devasquez in the buff, interviews with Drive-In king Joe Bob Briggs, 12 trailers and, to top if off, the "Andy Sidaris Film School".
If you have the El Mariachi/Desperado DVD combo released by Columbia years ago and loved Robert Rodriguez´ school of cheap moviemaking, this one is a nice addition. In this particular edition, Andy shows how to block a scene step by step: the master shot, inserts, closes, continuity issues and the final, edited result. "Bullshit!", Mistah Movie Snub will say, cause in his twerped brain he´s Der Flic Expert. Aye? Then why don´t you go out and make your OWN movie, you Truffaut ball-licker? It´s not as easy as you think, moron! Now go watch your russian film marathon with eskimo subtitles and leave me alone, while I lay in the bosom of Andy´s world and revel in the guilty pleasures he has to offer. Happy happy happy etc. ------Sergio Martorelli