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SUPER ROCK QUIZ: BILLY
HOPELESS You know, the motherfucker from the Black Halos Quizmaster: Jeff Warren _________________________________________________________________________________________
Billy’s been there and back again, and has the scars to prove it, but I wanted to find out just how much this sleazy rocker knows about…well, whatever it is I felt like asking him. The Black Halos are already on top of the wretched world with their new album, Alive Without Control, kicking ass all over the country, but this here is the true test to super rock stardom. Let’s see how he does… 1. What does ‘f.f.t.s.’ mean?
Jeff: I believe Shakespeare wrote, “All the world's a stage/And all the men and women merely players/They have their exits and their entrances/And one man in his time plays many parts/His acts being seven ages” (from As You Like It), but you were definitely on the right track. Half points. You do get bonus points for the vague allusion to the toothless saloon, however, and for making me remember this Cult lyric: A little bit of grease on my halo/Like some holy dharma bum, hey 2. Speaking of the toothless saloon, what's the guest list like there? Can I get in? Billy: I’ll see yah in Winnipeg. If you show up, I’ll get you in ok . Jeff: Dude, no one goes to Winnipeg. It’s really fucking cold there. No points. _________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Who would win in a fight: Swamp Thing or the Creature from the Black Lagoon? |
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Billy: That’s kind of like asking, ‘Who would win a race around the world: a smart bassist, or a drummer that’s always on time?’ They’re both fictional characters, man . Jeff: Don’t forget about singers who help pack up the gear. So, let’s see…singers, drummers, bass players…I guess all the points go to the guitarists and the dancing chicks in go go boots. 4. How much money would it take for you to dress up in a chicken suit and sing about tender white meat? |
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 Billy: Woah! Well, if that’s what it takes for
you to choke your chicken, that’s cool, man. I believe in freedom and
democracy, but as for us, well, we Black Halos had the offer to do
it for some big cash in a commercial aimed at people with your perversion,
but declined. So you’ll just have to wait till it airs, and imagine me in
the poultry suit, o.k.?
Jeff: Who wouldn’t want a lifetime supply of breasts and legs? That’s all I’m saying. A greasy bucket of points for you and your standards, though. 5. So how violent were the violent years, anyway? Billy: well my dental bill was crazy, and I got as many scars on my chest as a seal does on his face. Hmm. Wouldn’t it be funny if seal went out to a night club, and the gossip columns had the headline ‘seal clubbing!’ ? Jeff: Dude, Seal’s married to Heidi Klum.
Heidi Klum!?! Figure that one out. If a guy with a face like a chewed
caramel can cash in then your carved chest and busted chicklets must be
worth an Eva Longoria or something. Anyway, half the points to
Seal, and half the points to you for your witty barb. 6. Who's the toughest guy in the band? |
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Billy: I don’t know, I’ve
never tried to eat any of ‘em. But if you soak any meat over night in a
good marinade, I’m sure you’ll find it pretty easy to digest. Jeff: I suggest you read Bob Arson’s informative article, “Butchering the Human Carcass for Human Consumption”. Read it here. I’m too freaked out to give any points right now. 7. Oh yeah, Brandon from Liquor and Poker wanted me to drop his name in this interview. Do you think I should? |
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Billy: well when he goes to pick it back up
after you drop it I think you should relieve him of his wallet and mail
the contents to me as a charitable donation to the cause we call the
Billy Hopeless Liver Foundation.
8. You seem to unzip the leather pants on stage every now and then. Is there ever a time when it's not ok to take off your pants? Billy: I don’t know, I’m not a clock watcher. Though, most people will look at a clock when its eleven eleven, and I don’t know why. Jeff: That’s
so true, man! I always look at the clock when it’s 11:11. How fucked up is
that? You get 1,111 points. |
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9. Who's your
nurse of preference – The Rock N' Roll Nurse, the nurse who looked after
you when you hurt your back, or one of
 Roger
Corman's wild creations?
Billy: Finally were talking about my fetishes I just love a women in uniform, period. Oh, and a Batgirl costume works great, too. Jeff: Wrong. It’s the Rock N’ Roll Nurse, of course. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘How can it be wrong if it’s my preference?’ Well, it just is. |
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 10. If they were going to make the Billy Hopeless movie,
who would play you, who would your love interest be, and who would provide
the soundtrack?
Billy: The lead would be played by me, of course, and the female lead would be played by Rebecca De Mornay or the chick who played Winnie Cooper in the Wonder Years. She’s probably really hot now. Jeff: Yeah, Danica McKellar. She is so hot now. And she’s a math genius. She’s got a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics from UCLA and even co-authored a math proof proving an original math theorem. How sexy is that? Check it out! You get 15 points x (56 points + A) – 700 points where A equals the vertices of Pi. 11. If Zodiac Mindwarp invited you to a picnic, would you go? If so, what food would you bring? Billy: Ha. He probably does have picnics, and then writes about how they were actually rockn’roll rape parties . What a fuckwad . Jeff: I was at a rock n’ roll rape party once. Someone stole my shoes. 10 points if you find the bastard who did it. 12. We all know I don't dance, but what about Billy? Billy: I love to dance and actually the last time we Black Halos had one of our famous drunken dance parties in Chicago, I tore the crotch in my pants . Jeff: I was at
a crotchless pants dance party once. The DJ had stumps for hands, but boy
could he spin. 20 points, in honor of stumpy. |
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13. If you could put The Black Halos on
your all-time favorite gig, who would you play with?
Billy: So many bands so many tours ,we’ve played with so many of my heroes and made many friendships, but I'd really love to check Alice Cooper off my dream list, and I really wish I could see the Ramones one more time. But that’s in the past, unfortunately. Jeff: We’ll make it work and it’ll be called the “Today Your Love, Tomorrow the World” tour. Right on. Many, many points. 14. What are "poodleheaded pooftas" and how dangerous are they? Billly: There was allot of shitty bands in the eighties and I think its really amazing how people always embrace the worst parts of our past like how some kids (most of which weren’t around in the eighties) started wearing visors and My Little Pony shirts and others started listening to Poison, Motley Crue, etc. again. It’s all harmless but kinda really lame, as there was way better bands in the eighties than that stuff. |
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Jeff: I will have you know that My Little Pony was not one of the worst parts of the eighties. Poison, yes, but leave those cute plastic toys alone. Half a point. _________________________________________________________________________________________ 15. You and I both know that the Canadian version of Pretty Boy Floyd was way better than the American version. Please tell everyone else why that is. Billy: Honestly, I never liked either of ‘em, but at least Tommy Floyd knew that he might as well sell the name, as it wasn’t worth using. Jeff: And out of that mess we got Grandma Moses, The McCrackins, and The Retreads. That’s a good deal where I come from. 12 points to you, 16 points to Tommy Floyd, and 370 points to Sandy Hazard because he’s a cool guy.
Billy: "So assassin, why have they sent you?"
Ok, so there’s no method to his madness, but Billy sure knows how to put it to good use. I lost track of all the points he got, but he definitely racked up enough to earn him super rock status. You are a legend, sir!
-FIN- -Jeff Warren Hopeless photo: David Niddrie |
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Jeff:
I have no shame. I will do anything for free swag. And I’m
sorry about your liver. I’m donating 2,000 points to the foundation.
16. Finally, I'm looking to live three
sheets to the wind. What is the recipe for disaster?