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Pain and Unicorns: A
Journey to the
Center of Dana DeArmond Consider this statement, taken from the bio page of Dana DeArmond’s web site ( www.danadearmond.com): “My main objectives in life are living drug free, making amazing jerk off material, and being happy everyday. If you read my diary, you'd find out about my love for porn, unicorns, rough sex, kissing girls, hybrid cars, exhibitionism, adventure, photography, music and, of course, boys.” Sorta innocent and sweet in a Girls of the Big Ten way, no?
So to paraphrase The Sound of Music (which I like to do whenever possible), how do you solve a problem like Dana DeArmond? Well, you don’t. The Los Angeles-based talent is another example of the New Porn Actress – smart, savvy, a little cracked, and perfectly happy to play-act Traci Lords in Eon McKai’s Neu Wave Hookers in one minute, and in the other, get suspended over a Spanish horse or fucked by a dildo-tipped chainsaw on Howard Stern’s radio show. Call it versatile, call it eclectic, or call it crazy, but don’t call her your average Valley porn chick. She might punch you in the face. Or buy you cookies. You can’t say. The dichotomy of Dana DeArmond’s life, which is often detailed in very funny and observant posts on her myspace blog ( www.myspace.com/littledana), is the main reason The Ultimate Degenerate needed to unleash his Fifteen Filthy Questions on her. Okay, not the main reason – the water torture had something to do with it too, but you knew that. Anyway, thanks to Dana for taking the time out of her schedule to swap stories with us. -- UD |
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The Ultimate Degenerate: So the first question is: you’re an internet superstar and a sexual dynamo. What was it about Sleazegrinder.com that made you want to talk to us? Dana DeArmond: I saw that my friend Joanna Angel indulged you... and I am a sleaze… and I’m into grinding. UD: Excellent. So are we. Did you do any research on Traci Lords in order to play her in Eon McKai’s remake of Neu Wave Hookers? DD: Nope. I was cast at the last minute because I had been hounding Eon McKai to put me in one of his movies, and the producer, Malachi Ecks, said, “We know DeArmond is good to sell a few hundred copies. Her fans on myspace want to see her sucking cock!”
UD:
Which is true. |
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DD: I had seen a Traci Lords porn years before, and I had seen her in the John Waters movie Cry-Baby. I just thought, “I look nothing like her” and “I hope she doesn’t kick my butt for doing this.” Hahaha! UD: Nah, Traci’s a nice lady, I’m sure. Tell us a secret about Eon McKai that no one else knows. And while you’re at it, one about Joanna Angel too. DD: Eon Mckai cuddles with an ugly doll at night. UD: Oh. That’s… well, I don’t know what that is. What about Joanna? DD: I promised Joanna I would never tell any of her secrets – and she’ll never tell mine. Girls are like that. Besides, even if I told you any secrets about Joanna, you wouldn’t believe them anyway. UD: You’re probably right. You’re an L.A. resident (in fact, you were described as “Silverlake hot,” which in my mind means you’re underfed and dirty, but that’s not you). Tell me five things about L.A. that you couldn’t live without, and five things about L.A. that you believe deserve capital punishment. DD: The thing I love in L.A. is that if you watch a movie about the city, like L.A. Story or Swingers… |
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they are completely accurate. I don’t like it when people try to act up in public places, hoping someone will discover them and hand them some kind of five-picture contract. It just doesn’t work that way, and I don’t think people do that in any other city in America. UD: Well, if they do, they get asked to leave, and then they all move to L.A. Speaking of the place -- since you were photographed collaborating on a Buff Monster mural, please, please explain it to me. ‘Cause it’s everywhere out here, and I really don’t get it. DD: I dated the artist known as buffmonster for a couple months. Eon introduced us... let’s just say Eon owes me one now. UD: Got it. Well, while we’re talking about annoying people, I was so happy to read you railing against Conor Oberst on your myspace blog. Who else in the music industry earns your spite? DD: The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Aerosmith are two of my least favorite groups, especially when you get into their later stuff. Some people just don’t know when to quit, I guess. UD: No kidding. And it’s not like people haven’t been asking for them to do so. Okay, so who gets frequent airplay on Radio Dana? DD: Jawbreaker. Pinback. Built To Spill. Red House Painters. Frank Black. The Pixies. Saves The Day. Bjork. Reggie and the Full Effect. Blonde Redhead. Sunny Day Real Estate. he rest of the European bands? Don't they know we don't speak Sp |
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UD: Your myspace blog is a consistently entertaining sneak peek into Planet Dana. Which authors make you happy? DD: I don’t really read other people’s stuff. In the past, I’ve been really into Kurt Vonnegut and Brett Easton Ellis. I’m thinking about picking up a few of David Sedaris’ books for when I’m on planes. I hear good things. UD: You heard right – he’s great. On supercult.com, you described yourself as the “proud lion.” Please elaborate. DD: I have no idea. You are going to ask Chase Lisbon, owner of supercult.com, about that one. I describe myself more like a baby deer with a baby rattlesnake riding on its back. The baby deer is cute and innocent. It is also beautiful and sweet, kind tempered and has a soft, pleasant texture. The rattlesnake on its back is a predator – it can be ill-tempered, and devious. It also has a hard scaled exterior. Unlike the deer, it hides in waiting for its prey and because of its age, it has no control over the amount of poison in its bite – which always proves to be lethal. The deer and the rattlesnake are representative of my dual nature. I am a Gemini, after all. |
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UD: My sister is a Gemini – I have to ask her if she feels that way too. So in your session for hogtied.com, you are described as undergoing “intense pussy torture and body-wracking orgasms.” Is this your recollection as well? DD: Yes. Hogtied is all about torturing hot ladies to heighten their senses to arousal, and then force them to cum repeatedly until they simply can’t take it anymore. UD: Wow. DD: I am extremely into BDSM, and Hogtied is where i got my start in the porno business. I love shooting for them. And they took me to Cabo. Best job ever! UD: Damn. The most I ever got out of my day job is a cake on my birthday. So how the HELL did you get stuck on the Milf Lessons page for the Bang Bros? I mean, you could be my daughter (well, if I had been a really smooth 12-year-old), for Chrissakes.
DD: Yeah. So here is
the scoop on the bangbros.com shoots: |
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I was hired to do two scenes for assparade.com. I said I didn’t want to work with just any male talent, and if I couldn’t work with Tommy Pistol, I’d just do girl/girl scenes. They were like, “No, no, no, give us Tommy Pistol’s info,” and they flew us to Miami. Which was really nice of them. The BangBros company seems to be extremely unorganized, and no one called me to make sure I was on the plane or coming. And no one gave me any information about where I was staying or who was picking me up from the airport. So I was calling Tommy, and he was calling a girl that worked in the office, and I was upset because he being talent should not have to do P.A. work. I was pissed and ready to turn around and go home right then and there in the airport. I finally got to the limo and the hotel and my Tommy, and everything was okay. Except my call time was 9 a.m., and I had to do my own makeup. And I admit, I fucking had a fit about that too, because 9 a.m. in Miami is 6 a.m. in Los Angeles. Sad. Monday morning, I go to the office and spend a couple hours trying on different outfits. And waiting. And drinking coffee. And meeting people. And sitting around. I don’t think it was necessary for us to have been there at 9 a.m., but whatever. |
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They tell me that
they are going to shoot us for BIGTITSROUNDASSES.COM. And the shoot went
extremely well. Tommy and I seemed to have really impressed the director,
D. Sanchez. And when we return to the office after the scene, he raves to
everyone about us.
Day Two: Tommy and I go to the office, and there is a blonde woman there, and we are told we will be working with her. I sort of whine about it. Well, someone should have told me about this before. Thanks, guys. Then we are made to try on a million different outfits. After wardrobe and everything is all sorted out, they pull me into an office and say that this other girl does not have a valid AIM test. This is an STD test that you have to get every month to work in the porn business. Tommy informs me that this girl told him she’s been in the industry a few months and has done thirty-some-odd scenes. The BangBros people tell me that I don’t have to go down on her and we can use condoms and all this other stuff, but ultimately, it’s up to me. I straight up told them that it was unfair and unreasonable to ask me and my friend to take a risk with our health, and we refuse to fuck the girl. I even cried. That was really fucked up, I thought. They explained that they didn’t want to shoot me alone for assparade.com, and that I could do a scene for bigmouthfuls.com with Preston Parker. Tommy Pistol was given a kill fee and sent home. This pretty much bummed everyone out and put us in really awkward positions. The scene with Preston went really well, but I would have rather just done two scenes with Tommy as originally booked. The scenes were shot on Monday and Tuesdays. The BigTitsRoundAsses shoot was uploaded to milflessons.com that THURSDAY. I got a flood of email from my fans asking, “Dana, why would anyone ever call you a milf?" I still don’t know. I called the bangbros office and left a message. I never heard back. I feel that being called a milf is incredibly insulting, considering my views on children and the world population. Blah. So, yeah, BangBros... nice people, incredibly unorganized. Perhaps I am very spoiled working with companies such as www.kink.com (www.fuckingmachines.com, www.hogtied.com, www.wiredpussy.com, www.waterbondage.com, www.sexandsubmission.com, www.whippedass.com, www.ultimatesurrender.com, www.meninpain.com), which runs an extremely tight ship. Nevertheless, Tommy Pistol is an amazing talent, a pleasure to work with and one of my closest friends. I do love him, and the scene is really great, regardless of what site it ended up on.
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UD: That’s the truth – the scene with Preston is excellent. So speaking of Cybernet, how’s their lunch? I’m guessing their craft services are pretty good. DD: They always feed me whatever i want. UD: Nice. My company only does that once a week. So, any truth to the rumor that you were once a Disney employee? DD: OMG, what the fuck! Where did you hear that? UD: I read it somewhere online. Some guy said he worked with you there. DD: Hahaha! Yes, it’s true. My first job ever was dancing in parades at the Magic Kingdom. I was a Spectromagic Butterfly. UD: Awesome. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds good. DD: I worked at Disney part time for three years and started stripping shortly after turning 18. Over the next few years, I ran into several other girls in stripclub dressing rooms, who worked in the parade department. So there you have it, folks: don’t let your daughter take a summer job at Disney, unless you want her to grow up to be a hussy like me. God, I hope I don’t get sued for admitting that. |
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UD: I don’t think Disney will ever visit this site, so you’re safe. So, in the inevitable Dana DeArmond biopic, who plays you? And more importantly, what are the title and the poster tag line? DD: I want both Olsen Twins to play me in The Girl Who Lived in the Internet, and the poster would say “thx 4 the ADD” and be all sparkly. UD: I’d see that. What’s the most evil thing you’ve ever done to someone who absolutely deserved it? DD: When I was in high school this girl Chrissy that we hated egged my best friend Melissa Perciballi’s house. When I found out that Chrissy threw animal guts on Melissa’s front lawn, I became enraged and went to Melissa's church and picked her up. We went out looking for revenge. We found a roadkilled raccoon on the side of the road and placed it on the hood of Chrissy's car (which had multiple pro-veggie/vegan and animal rights stickers on the bumper). We also left a note. I forget what it had said, but the cops asked to see Melissa’s diary to make a handwriting comparison. We never got in trouble for it. When I admitted to my father that we had done this, he suggested that we should have put the dead animal underneath the hood of her car. Directly on the engine block. He’s a sick puppy—that’s where I get it. haha :) UD: So clearly, after reading this, our visitors will want to shower you with praise and gifts and loose change. How and where do they show their unwavering allegiance to you? DD: Add me on www.myspace.com/littledana, and join www.danadearmond.com. Then buy Neu Wave Hookers and Joanna's Angels 2: Alt Throttle, and look for my first interracial in Take It Black 4, coming soon! -FIN- |
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__________________________________________________________________________________ -Ultimate Degenerate
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Now
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