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Jennifer
Dziura is Smart, Sexy, and Funny.
So What's Your Problem?
By Paul Gaita
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 Jennifer Dziura landed three or four harsh your mama jokes in the
course of this interview, but there was nothing I could do about it.
First of all, she's both attractive and funny, and when a woman has
that combination, they can get away with anything. Shit, I'm married to
one (Sleazegrinder too), and though I've got a foot and a half in
height and 150 pounds on her, I'm basically her trained monkey.
Jennifer is also smart as hell -- she has a B.A. from Dartmouth and
works as an SAT tutor, so even if I could, say, sit down for a few days
and come up with some comebacks for the mama jokes, she'd still knock me
on my ass. Oh, and she runsThe
Williamsburg Spelling Bee,
a spelling bee for grown-ups. I've
just started confusing "their" for "there" again, so I don't want to
mess with her.
And Christ, if that's not enough, Jen does stand-up and put out her own
spoken word CD (available on itunes
and CD Baby),
makes fun of sex toys on
The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog, maintains her
own website,
and gets tons of press from upscale rags like Time Out and the New York Times. Oh, and
sometimes she models in her underwear (or Sleazegrinder t-shirts - see
the gallery). Me interviewing Jennifer Dziura is like bringing a Super
Soaker to a .357 Magnum shootout. If I don't survive this, tell my mom
I love her.
On second thought, don't give Jen any more ammo against my mother.
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Paul Gaita: Let's start this off the right way by hearing the filthiest
joke you know.
Jennifer Dziura: Well, comics rarely repeat others' jokes, but I can
talk about some of my jokes that I only whip out in the right
environment.
For instance, I have this one joke about how ridiculous makeup and
beauty rituals are -- specifically, one technique in which we are
supposed to put on lipstick, and then lip gloss, and then you take this
special pearly-white gloss and put a little dab riiight in the
middle
of your bottom lip.
You know what they call this look? Blowjob lips. Blowjob lips! Now,
I have to say, I think there's a problem with this reasoning:
Guys like blowjobs, sure.
You want guys to like you, no problem.
But guys want to think that you might give THEM a blowjob -- not
that
you just gave SOMEONE ELSE one.
Didn't your mother ever tell you you can't attract a man with sloppy
seconds?
(Depending on the crowd, sometimes this is a closer, and sometimes it
gets cut. I'm told that at my birthday party this past December at
CBGB's, during which I repeatedly encouraged the crowd of 150 people to
buy me drinks, I told this joke no fewer than three times. I guess I
really wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to hear it).
PG: It works even without the booze. So whose comedy/humor do you
admire?
JD: Mitch Hedberg, Sandra Bernhard, David Sedaris.
PG: Tell me: why is most TV comedy so unfunny?
JD: I don't know -- apparently, everybody loves Raymond.
PG: Which comedian (or comic style) would you rather stick pencils in
your ears than have to hear?
JD: Sometimes when I'm all up on your mom, she tries to tell
knock-knock jokes, and I'm like, bitch, I'm the one doing the knockin'
here.
PG: Fuck, ouch. Okay, modeling and comedy don't cross paths much – has
doing one ever caused anyone to call into question your doing the other (ie,
"Models don't do comedy!" or vice versa)?
JD: That's not me. I hired a body double to improve my prospects at a
television career. And boy, is that bitch dumb.
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PG: What's easier - doing a photo shoot in uncomfortable underwear, or
doing standup for an unresponsive crowd?
JD: It depends on how the pictures come out. You can look like ass and
subsequently be pleasantly surprised by the photos a good photographer
takes. But you never have a bad set and then watch the tape and say
"Oh, actually they DID like that joke about what happens when Rosa
Parks, a tsunami, an unemployed Mexican, George W. Bush, AIDS, Hillary
Clinton's ass, the Pope's dick, and Hurricane Katrina walk into a bar."
PG: E-mail me the punchline to that one. Have you found that men find
funny women intimidating?
JD: Men find everything about me intimidating. That experiment has too
many variables. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. (Jesus Christ, she knows
Latin too? -pg) That's Latin for "I can crush you utterly -- with my
will or my thighs -- and then will be heard across the land the weeping
of your kinfolk and the lamentation of your entire village as they flee
in fear."
Hot!
PG: For sure. Do guys who want to pick you up work overtime to be
funny?
JD: Never.
PG: Has comedy ever gotten you laid?
JD: One time after a comedy set, a cute, drunk young man said he had
fallen in love with me while I was on stage, but he'd have to come to
more shows to be completely sure. We went out a few times and I think
I crushed him utterly. |
photo:
Sandy Ackerman |
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PG: What is the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?
JD: "I promise not to come in your oxygen tube."
PG: Wow. I have no response to that. What is the worst pick-up line
you've ever used?
JD: Ask your mom. It worked on her.
PG: Goddammit, that's twice now! I hear you are reviewing sex toys on
aSarcastic Sex Toy Blog. What's that about?
JD: Well, I update my blog at
jenisfamous.com
every day, but sometimes
I'm just talking about, you know, plucking my earlobe hair or
something, so I wanted to have another site that was all humor, all the
time. So I started writing reviews of sex toys at
http://sextoyblog.blogspot.com
For awhile, my mom was afraid to visit because she thought I was trying
the toys myself. I'm not; in fact, most of them are toys for men, like
the "Titty Blow Masturbator." Here's an excerpt from that review:
Now, when I hear the phrase "titty blow," I, like any decent young
woman, think about doing coke off someone's bosoms.
However, in this contest, "titty blow" refers to the "blow job" you
will be receiving from this silicone facsimile mouth. The "titties" are
smushed up against, and attached to, the mouth, to create the
ecstasy-inducing sensation of extra chunks of plastic somewhere in the
vicinity of your testicles.
In order to maintain the portability of this device, it seems that the
"titties" have been scaled down to a fraction of their normal size,
while retaining their spherical shape, so if you enjoy women who, under
the right circumstances, would be able to swallow their own breasts
whole, the Titty Blow Masturbator is for you.
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So, in answer to your question, I did, of course, edit the responses to
get rid of the repetitive ones, and there was plenty "I'll stick it
anywhere warm" and "This is great -- I can treat you terribly because
you're ugly!"
But you're right, plenty of the men were very sad. While love is hard
for everyone to find, most women don't have trouble at least finding
sex (as evinced by the incredibly ugly woman's incredible popularity),
but it certainly does seem as though some men get more than their share
of female attention, and some men just never develop the skills needed
to interact successfully with women. Plenty of guys in their twenties,
thirties and beyond are just left out in the cold, and that leads them
to Craigslist and lots of porn.
That's an interesting thing -- virgins today are very different from
virgins of yesteryear. Several virgins wrote to the ugly woman, saying
things like "I think I find you less intimidating because you're ugly." But some of those same men wanted to do some really kinky shit -- one
said he had visited sex clubs in San Francisco and that, while he did
enjoy anal sex (with himself), he was "not curious" to eat his own
come. And this guy's a virgin. We've come a long way from that world
where your dad takes you aside on your wedding night and then chickens
out and says "You'll know what to do," which you kind of think you will
because you've been sneaking peeks at your older brother's copies of
Oui since you were nine.
Of course, some of the guys were just attracted to the ugly woman's
honesty and confidence. Some were creeps and some were surprisingly
sweet, which I think is par for the course on Craigslist. Not that I
would know (ahem). Except for the time I met your mama in the "ass for
drugs" section (also known as "crack for crack") (Fucking hell, that's
three!-PG)
I was very fond of the guy who said he was ugly too, and maybe the two
of them could meet up with bags over their heads, as long as they
promised never to have any children. "Call me," he said, "at
1-800-FUCKIN-UGLY."
Yeah, go to iTunes and buy that shit. You can download it right now.
PG: What's your dream job?
It looks a lot like my life right now except that people think I'm much
more important and I have an "entourage." I hear that fame causes
those to develop. I'm waiting for my entourage.
PG: Any plans to perform outside
New York?
JD: I'm setting up tour dates for summer 2006 right now, so if you want
me to come to your town, let me know. Even better, tell me that you
and fifteen of your friends want me to come to your town. Even better,
offer me a ride from the airport. And maybe some prescription drugs.
Whatever you've got.
PG: Oh, we've got everything in
L.A., so come on
down. How can people find out when and where you'll be brightening their
miserable lives with your comedy?
Go to
www.jenisfamous.com
Now!
-FIN-
Your next chance to
see Jennifer Dziura perform is February 18th at
CBGB's in New York. Get Tickets
HERE!
top photo:
Aeric Meredith-Goujon
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