The Dirty 13
With Subculture Hero
This week: Pussy  Venom
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Let’s be honest, we’re all here for the same reason: blood, tits, and rock n’ roll. And if you need any proof that there’s some higher power out there on our side, it’s the existence of roller derby, which offers you healthy doses of all the things you love so much, namely blood, tits, and rock n’ roll. There are leagues popping up all over the place now – the kick is back on much to the delight of mustachioed men in sweat pants and KISS shirts (yes, I’m talking about you) – and Boston itself is home to the Boston Derby Dames,an all-female, amateur, flat-track roller derby league. This week’s Dirty 13 heroine is none other than Pussy Venom, the cute and ostensibly unassuming yet incredibly devilish Derby Dames all-star and jammer for one of the league’s three teams, The Cosmonaughties. Pussy’s got sass, friends, and moves to boot, which is why she was named MVP of the Derby Dames league championship game recently. Sure, her Cosmonaughties may have lost the championship match, but Pussy got a trophy and first crack at the piñata in the bar at the after party, and that’s a pretty good time if you ask me. So, while Pussy enjoys some down time and gears up for next season, we thought we’d pick her mischievous little brain before someone skated over it and ruined it for good.

 Sleazegrinder personally asked me to interview you for the Dirty 13 column. Why do you think that is? What is it about Pussy Venom that is so dirty-worthy?

There is nothing dirty about Pussy Venom. It is actually an antiseptic, aphrodisiac, antioxidant, eau de cologne, burn salve, mouthwash, marinade, and an ecologically-friendly alternative to petroleum-based motor oil. Sleazegrinder sees that the future is in Pussy Venom.

Sleazegrinder is a visionary, that’s for sure. Speaking of the future, is roller derby the new porn?

If by porn you mean socialist robots roller skating their way into the 24^th and a half century wearing really great tights, then yes.

 The Cosmonaughties – the future is now.

That’s exactly what I mean, so that’s definitely good to hear. Tell me Pussy, what is the role of a jammer? Does it involve, you know, um…jamming things into things?

Jammers race through a pack of Minotaurs, beheading each one as they pass, and the jammer with the most heads strung around her neck at the end of the two minute jam wins. Only during overtime do they jam the heads into things.

Worst injury ever sustained in a roller derby match?

There have been several wheel-to-the-box and wheel-to-the-asshole incidents resulting in short-term damage and, in some cases, weeks off of skates. I won’t tell you which of the two I suffered, but it was in front of a crowd.

 Pleasing the crowd.

Worst punishment ever doled out in a roller derby match?

I prefer to think of them as rewards. There was a head injury at a recent scrimmage that scared us all…D. Way, are you in there?

How do I go about finding me a female Soviet cyborg? Can I order one over the internet or what? I can think of a lot of upsides to having one around.

Cyborgs are dangerous – you wouldn’t keep one as a pet and you don’t know what you’ll get from unauthorized dealers on the internet. As you can see from this diagram of my heart, cyborgs are almost completely indestructible. They are also fiery canisters of feminist fury, so watch out.

 Pussy’s heart.

Well, I’ll let that dream die then…for now. So, what’s the last movie you saw at the drive-in?

What state are you in? Those don’t exist here, but we do have those shitty $3 theaters that show movies post-hype. I tried to watch the Sixth Sense in there, but fled after the first scene. Maybe it was the hallucinogens, I don’t know, but Donnie from New Kids has never been the same to me…shiver…

One of the scariest movies I ever saw as a kid was The Wizard of OZ II. What the hell were they thinking with that sequel?

Are you talking about Return to Oz, where Fairuza Balk gets electroshock therapy? I guess initially they were thinking, “Talking Pumpkin Head!” and then they went forward from there into the realm of genius. That could be my favorite movie. The wheelers made me who I am today, as did that bitch with the heads.

One of Oz’s wheelers.

Those are all the things that terrified me. Also, didn’t Dorothy have a talking chicken named Billina instead of Toto this time around? Man, I must go rent that movie again. Ok, if you and some of your raucous roller derby dames had a slumber party, what sort of late-night hijinx would you get into?

We’d wear frocks, sit in rocking chairs, do needlepoint, sip tea, and discuss the coming revolution.

That’s what I thought. Hey, does every roller girl have an Ann Calvello shrine in her bedroom?

No, every roller girl’s dad has an Ann Calvello shrine in his bedroom. But there is a shrine for her in my heart and in my ovaries.

Roller derby pioneer Ann “Banana Nose” Calvello.

Ok, so you’re skating your ass off, crushing skulls, and bruising thighs…what’s your rock n’ roll soundtrack for mayhem and destruction?

Peaches’ “Rock the Shocker” and Talking Heads’ “Born Under Punches,” on repeat, forever.

What fuels Pussy Venom’s fire more: Tang or White Russians?

The Russians bring about mysterious chains of events. You could wake up on a bathroom floor in a Brownie uniform with a fake mustache on. It is such mysteries that keep me intrigued. Also, Tang is disgusting.

 Pussy keeps us intrigued.

Finally, if Pussy’s got a brand new pair of roller skates, who’s got the brand new key?

My creator, Professor CoCo A Go-Go, who skated her last Cosmonaughties game on Saturday. I love you, Prof. Texas doesn’t know how lucky they are.

 Yes, here’s to CoCo…and to you, Pussy Venom. Thanks for playing, and playing extremely well. Call me…we’ll drink Caucasians and watch Return to Oz.

-  Jeff "Dirty 14" Warren     

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