int_cringe

The Super Rock Quiz: The Cringe _____________________________________________________________________________________________
		“I don’t want an elephant’s soul, or any soul at all!” -Dwight Frye, Dracula Providence, Rhode Island. Where evil dwells. Well, not usually, but certainly when the Cringe comes a slitherin’ out from whatever rocks they were seething under, to rattle the brains of local fat girls, mental patients, and drug rockers. Their signature sound of suicidal, glam-dirgey shock rock is like some unholy amalgam of Venom, Clutch, Motley Crue, and a back-alley throat slashing, and even I am unsure whether it’s a wail of mournful anguish or a throaty battle-cry. It is a strange and wondrous thing, this Cringe. All I really know for sure is that their menacing racket hits ya like a suckerpunch to the guts, and live…well, live they might LITERALLY punch you in the guts. Lead elephant rider Paul Hullabaloo is a wiry ball of tension, an exposed nerve ending throbbing in narcotic agony, a fly-eating Johnny Flash lookin’ for a kiss, who paces and crawls and prays and disrobes and licks and punches and does whatever it takes to BRING THE ROCK. Ah, but is he mad? Oh yes, quite mad. Mad as a hatter. But since when is that a detriment to rock n’ roll?
Aside from a steady schedule of freaking out the locals, the Cringe are hard at work on a new EP, and Paul hisself is hosting the gonzo “Fistfight” radio show on WQRI, 88.3 FM every Friday night at midnight (naturally), wherein he spins the most savage rock n’ roll imaginable, and rants, raves and otherwise carries on until he passes out on the console somewhere around dawn. However, all of that is of little consequence at the moment. Tonight, the only important question is this: Sure, we know Paul is a rocker, but is he a Super Rocker? Only one way to find out, baby. (Interrogator: Sleaze)
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Can you prove that you're NOT the offspring of Stiv Bators and Dwight Frye? Why Yes, I can't. Actually, I was raised in a prison town by a mother who paints and a father who fucking votes. I was never squeezed from the penis of Stiv Bators and I didn't even know who Dwight Frye was until I checked his shit out on IMDB. So, in closing, Yes. Answer: Wrong. Watch Dracula while listening to the Dead Boys for proof.
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	What makes you cringe, so, Paul? Cry-fighting, co-operation, wine coolers, straight-edges everywhere, cancer, dreams, Mohawks and spiked leather, Punk Rock, practice, JET, Iggy Pop songs on cruise ship elevators, Neo-Ozzy, soaking wet 16 year old girls who came to see the other band, having to aimlessly master the corrupt, necromantic arts of corporate cubicle dayjob manipulation in order to keep the lady satisfied, and lead singers standing still and static behind a mic stand and a guitar calling themselves frontmen. That's it. Answer: Right on, man. No more Neo-Ozzys! Wet teens are ok, tho.

When's the last time you LOST a fight? 1994, West Germany, we were the supporting outfit in a dank, smoke and smut 4AM redpill basement surrounded by the most godfuckingawful skinhead alphacrusher harangue the fucking world has ever ducked, so I proceeded to wrack the closest one over the head with the base of the micstand and off that motherfucker went. I theoretically lost, although I am a true-believer in subjectivity. Answer: 1,000 points.
What's the weirdest t-shirt that you actually wear? I am fucking neurotic about t-shirts. I am a very slight young man and I find that most t-shirts, even so-called smalls, are like tents on me, so I pretty much shy away. I only have one t-shirt and it has a picture of a priest crying blood on it. Yeah. Answer: "Satan has started a great war against Us, My children. Satan will also bring forward FALSE MIRACLES. However, you will not be deceived by them because he may propagate his error but for a short while. If you will investigate each miracle, the hand of Satan will make itself known. The bleeding statues, My children, must be investigated." -Veronica Lueken, the Seer of Bayside

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	What TV show do you like to watch with your pants down? Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Answer: Carl says: "Yea, its been a long time, Fryman, but I'm not going to get uh, humped by no red ape in space." Alternate Answer: "I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!" (Just watch the show, wouldya?)
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	If you had Nikki Sixx alone in a room, what would you do? First a backrub, then another, except more deep tissue....We would then read each other pages out of each others dream journals, and then we would sit close in a dark, candlelit attic and play with his big sister's Oiuja Board by Mattel. Then we would fuck. If you had Nikki Core alone in a room, what would you do? Just fuck. Maybe twice. And then I would fuck the Ouija Board by Mattel. While she watched.....DevilHorns. Answer: 1/2 credit. But which half?

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Are there monsters in Rhode Island? Only mobsters...and the lurking fear of Cthulu. Hail the Old Ones. Answer: Ok, a Lovecraft reference is kinda geeky, but he backed it up with a visual evidence, so full points. What's the exit policy for ex-Cringe members? Are they ever seen from again? Do they get parting gifts? We have only had one defector so far, our first bass player Paul Dunne. I hear from him every once in a while. He has lost his mind, become another person. Once you choose to leave you can never return. *Answer: Wrong. Right: We chop them up & eat them!*

	Live, you are very close to the edge of mayhem...has mayhem happened yet? Will it again? Where is the mayhem, man? Rock and Roll is the last flesh ritual, and it is only truly successful if it can breed black mayhem, otherwise it's just music, and who the fuck needs that? I am a complete proponent of Rawk Violence and there is this amazingly visceral divebar here in Providence called The Safari that is absolutely charged with raw menace, and anytime we play there, mayhem ensues. It is my favorite anti-stage anywhere... Answer: Right! Mayhem should always be a rock band's number one goal. Always. Just don't brain any Sleazy Rock Journalists with bottles. They hate that.

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What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? My girl, Mandy. Answer: Always cover yr own ass. Full points. Chicks or speed? Chicks. I have a heart defect and can't have "The Speed". *Answer: Half-Right. Right: Chicks AND* speed.* Sorry about the defect. Last time you held a gun? 1994, West Germany...see above. Answer: 500 points. Is there a song you regret ever writing? Many. Oh so many. Answer:** Wrong. Super Rockers never regret anything. *Left: what's SUPPOSED to happen when you mix chicks+speed - Sapphire Angels MC, Baltimore (from VTwinbiker.com)

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Providence is better than Boston because.... We are the home of Hot Weiners and you are the home of The Abbey, The Humanoids, Darryl Shepard, Milligram and convenience stores that are open past 11pm...wait a minute....		Boston is better than Providence because... See above answer but in reverse, laugh forever. Answer: Yeah, but only tranny hookers hang out out at our convenience stores after 11PM. Significantly, that's the only place to get Hot Weiners that time of night around here, too. Call this one a draw.
Fill in the blank: Before rock, we only had... The Asians. Answer: I don't even know what that means, but I don't wanna argue with a cat who's got friends like this. Totals: Paul has been the most articulate Quiz taker so far, and although that earns him Zero extra points, I salute him anyway. Of course, I already KNEW the fucker was a Super Rocker, but I wanted to let 'im show off anyway. A whopping 4, 317 points. It's official, the Cringe ROCK. Check out their website for further instructions, and prepare yrself for the upcoming "Love is Steel" EP. Cringe photos: Jeff Siatkowski Nikki Core Photo: Eric Law
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