I found a used drum set with Zebra prints for sale in Ferndale, MI as I strolled through a shopping strip yesterday. Three hundred back-breaking bones and I’m set to straddle the Pearl bass drum and two floor toms. All at once, I just know. Right next door to the used music store, Mother Fletcher’s thrift store, with matching zebra boots that zip way above the heels. Now if that wasn’t a sign that these both need to be mine, then even the fortune cookie that day was wrong. “You will get everything you want by your personality and charm” Somewhere it has got to be set in stone that I start the ultimate trucker band with a zebra printed strap-on. And if I read my ruins right, we’ll be touring in a fire breathing, flame throwing semi-truck with a purple leather sofa couch in the bed of it all. Alls I need now are three burly boys that look like they stepped straight out of some backwoods tool shed, yet can keep Fords and Stratocasters tuned just as well. Oh yeah, and they have to be able to write riffs as solid as Satan himself. Sound like I’m asking too much? Well, as long as there’s Tim Moss, Dale Crover, and Billy Anderson then these plans are within reach. Swamp-mongering, string king Moss rips yet another noble record stretching his iron lungs to capacity. Ritual Device, Tim’s earlier band basically planted the seeds for a slew of heavily sedated bands to start off with. So did Crover’s with Melvins, and Anderson’s mountain of Judgement when it comes to producing metal. Think you know all there is to know about Porn, and The Men Of by picking up this album? Don’t bet your BOTTOM dollar! __________________________________________________

-Smutstrutter