Understandably, since I say this every fucking month, you might not think I’m even serious when I tell you that Vancouver-based cock n’ roll killing machines Crystal Pistol are, unequivocally, my new favorite band, but they are. I listen to new music more hours per day than most people spend sleeping (God help me!), so if I’m saying that I'm listening to Crystal Pistol all the time- even when I really want to escape from rock and roll for five seconds- then they gotta be something special. And baby, they are.

They say you never forget your first love, and I clearly remember being fucked by rock for good at the age of 8 with the double sucker punch of KISS’ “Love Gun” and the Sex Pistols’ “Bollocks”. The rest of the neighborhood brats were out tying kittens to the railroad tracks or having rock fights, and I was hunkered in my room pouring over battered copies of Creem and Circus and Punk and Hit Parader, the blown speakers of my suitcase record player spinning the pop metal anthems of the kid-friendly make-up monsters and the altogether more frightening rage and loathing of their upstart would-be assassins from across the pond. One of ‘em stood the test of time by releasing one classic, definitive record and than imploding almost immediately after, while the other one went on to suck every last penny out of their legion of fans, and then continued on to just plain suck, seemingly forever; but whatever the outcome, those were the sounds that ultimately led me to this sorry fate, 26 years later. So, it should come as no surprise when a band finally, after all these wasted years, successfully grabs a fistful of KISS, another fistful of the Pistols, mashes ‘em together and declares victory, and I fuckin’ fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Crystal Pistol is the band I invented in my head almost 3 decades ago, and it’s about goddamn time they finally showed up.

And they got it all right, too, every sleazy little bit. Even other rock n’ roll writers, queasily eyeing their tattooes-skulls-masacara-spikes-fishnet-and-middle-fingers-festooned promo photo, have told me that they looked, alternately, “disgusting”, “disturbingly sleazy”, and (my favorite) “like coked-out gay hustlers waiting for the methadone clinic to open”. So, you know, they got the look down. Even a casual glance at the screaming headlines of their mock-tabloid hype sheets make it painfully obvious that their rampant egos show zero restraint, which is another sign of a truly great rock and roll band, and, as you might imagine, as many people hate Crystal Pistol as love them. Just like Guns N’ Roses, right? Exactly. Just like Guns N’ Roses. People can’t even repeat their fuckin’ name out loud without either smirking or nodding in approval. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next, but I tell you this much- something is gonna happen to this band, that’s for sure.

Of course, I haven’t even gotten to the best part. They rock, too. They rock like crazy, like absolutely nothing else matters except smacking you dead square in the face with the next perfectly screamable chorus, the next impossibly catchy guitar hook, the next clever/snarky turn of phrase, the next song so forcibly rock and roll that you forget your name, rank, and serial number, and just become a slithering, twitching mess of satisfaction for 3 blissful minutes. This kind of narcotic inducement happens so rarely in rock these days that it’s like getting a blowjob on a Tuesday- completely unexpected, but more than appreciated. In fact, I’m gonna go on record to say that “Everybody Hates You When You Love Rock and Roll”, Crystal Pistol’s debut, is easily the greatest cock rock record since the Backyard Babies’ seminal “Total 13”- and it might even be better than that one. And it’s not even an official album, either- it’s a “ 6 Song Demon”, so who the fuck knows what they’re capable of when somebody inevitably steps up with enough drugs and cash to give them the Buckcherry-styled ‘Instant Rockstar’ treatment. God help that poor bastard.

Opener “Rock Star” is as grand a declaration as anybody that ever decided they were gonna march on up to the castle and take over the fuckin’ throne has uttered- Mik Ireland snarls out the disc’s title like a gutter level Manic Street Preacher, Brian Bressett and the awesomely named Pinto Cholo’s guitars crank up like outlaw choppers, and the mayhem begins. “Swimming pools and rehab bills, all my favorite colors come in little pills, I’m a rock star, baby”, Mik drawls with heartless conviction over the thump of cowbells and what sounds like Faster Pussycat with a psychotic meanstreak beating the shit out of a Hardcore Superstar song. “I know what it’s like, to really love my life”, he continues, “And everybody hates you, when you love rock and roll.” That’s what I dig about these cocky fuckers- the battle hasn’t even started yet- this is still a demo, remember- and they’re already counting up the spoils of their rock n’ roll war. Poppy jailbait anthem “Teenage Parasite” follows, and for once, you really believe the cat has been fucking an actual teenage parasite, instead of just writing songs about it. Mik shows off formidable vocal prowess on this one, and the seamless Slash and Axl slither the front men exhibit here is formidable. Sure, it’s harmless flash metal, but it’s really good flash metal. The most jaw-dropping number on the whole record follows, “All the Freaks”. In this one, they cop several of Hanoi Rocks’ best riffs, mutate ‘em into fire breathing sleaze metal power chords, and then they tear into it like angry tigers. From the lyrics (Basically, “All the freaks come down/ On a Saturday night” repeated over and over), I’m guessing this is the song they open their shows with, and I bet the joint just explodes, every time. “Live Fast, Die Young” is a lethal, punk-fueled scorcher, with fittingly fatalistic lyrics- “Born again loser, sucking off your savior, Jesus, just save yourself!” Mik spits, before giving up the fight entirely on the chorus- “Live fast, die young/and bury my friends one by one” ( I wonder if they already have a an interband death pool going?). “Line It Up” is pure Sunset Strip sleaze, sounding like the Crue that never was, as the “Got a head full of sixes” line would suggest. Is it about coke or groupies? It’s about both, of course. “No Fun City” closes. I thought that Rock City Crimewave already had the last word in “I wanna burn this city down” -themed arson songs with their classic “Burn Rock City, Burn”, but Crystal Pistol have a “Hate-on” for their No Fun city too, and they just as enthusiastically plan on setting it ablaze here. This one sounds more than a little like both the Hellacopters and the Backyard Babies, which means Dregen really oughta start watching his back.

A year from now, when CP are either the biggest band on the planet, or selling out and writing Def Leppard songs, or maybe breaking up in disgrace and obscurity, or serving time for crimes against humanity, I’m gonna sound like either a genius or an absolute madman; but at this very moment, there isn’t a more exciting rock and roll band on the planet then Crystal Pistol. As Mik screams, like an animal (or at least, like a bestial Sebastian Bach) at the end of “All My Freaks”: “All right! Fuck! That’s rock and roll!” Truer words were never spoken.