Over the last few years or so I've developed some masochistic pleasure in sitting through that most disposable of all pop culture fodder, the movie with the music tie-in. Music movies used to be pretty straightforward. "Gimme Shelter" is about a Stones Concert. "Rude Boy" followed The Clash on the road. Sure, musicians starred in other movies as musicians, but it wasn't necessarily expressly linked to their real life career. However thin, there was usually some distance between the two. A good example of this is "Performance" with Mick Jagger. It's a pretty bad movie overall but it manages to maintain a certain objectivity to Jagger. Hell, come to think of it, the aforementioned "Shelter" even makes The Stones look bad.

Then it all began to change, and these movies have by and large become soggy Valentine boxes loaded with rancid chocolate, paeans to their creators. I could blame Prince with starting this but that's not entirely fair. Paul McCartney has a hand in it somewhere, as does whoever was behind the extended music video movies, such as "Flashdance" and "Heavy Metal". Which sucked, no matter what nostalgia gloss it gets now. Well, someone has to watch this crapola I suppose, and report back to the folks. People NEED to know these things. You NEED to know what is magnificently unwatchable sludge and what is just plain old sludge you shouldn't even bother with. (Except for the Whitney Houston movie, these all fall into the first category). These are some of the anti-gems I've checked out recently. There is no order to them, since it all depends on what you are looking for. For example: some might love the Vanilla Ice movie. I did, despite what I have to say about it critically. It's premium garbage. Others might just see it as garbage. So "ratings" are really irrelevant.

Vanilla Ice - "Cool As Ice" (1991)

My girlfriend and I agree that this is possibly one of the worst movies ever made. In this crap rap extravaganza, studman Ice and his posse tool around on their rice-burners, thrilling and chilling the locals of a generic white picket fence town that they get stuck in. Ice spends his time wooing the good girl love interest, and brings da noise and da funk to the town. Additionally, Ice foils a stupid, contrived blackmail plot that I can't explain--because it made no fucking sense--and just generally gets down with his bad self in a big leather jacket that says "Sex Me Up" on one sleeve and "Deep" on the other. No one understands them because they are just TOO DAMN DOPE. Except for veteran actor Sydney Lassick, who must have really been hard up for clams to appear in this clunker. (He plays the bike shop owner who services their machines). Lots of choppy and weird editing, terrible fashions and incredibly stilted dialogue made me think that I was having one of my PCP flashbacks. And the love interest isn't even good looking to boot!!! I can't remember her name, and it doesn't matter since she will never act again. Damn, that's usually the saving grace for this sort of tripe. The only eye candy in this is for those who miss the days when Hip Zepi and Chess King were ruling the roost. All in all, it's a bit like watching "Rebel With A Cause" if it was written by a talentless, drunken third grader, who had recently discovered ugly motorcycles and Will Smith. I was going to say a lot more smart-ass things about this movie, but I can't, because my brain just gridlocks on me every time I try to describe it. All I can say is see it for your self.

Whitney Houston - "The Bodyguard" (1992)

Unlike seeing "Cool As Ice", which was akin to being caught in a Kafkaesque nightmare, watching this Whitney Houston vehicle only makes you wish you could reclaim the two hours of your life you spent on it. You already know the whole plot if you read the back cover of the box. Strait laced white bread mofo, as played by that boring suck ass Kevin Costner falls for chanteuse Houston. There's some sort of plot on her life as well as the usual psycho stalker bit. (You would have to be pretty nuts to stalk that high-toned bitch). When it first came out, old Whitney was riding high, but why bother with it now? The Titanic sized crack epics that she regularly stages in real life are a hundred times more entertaining and they're free on "Inside Edition".

Mariah Carey - "Glitter" (2001)

Like the Vanilla Ice movie, this one really defies any kind of critical commentary. It's your basic rags to riches tale, only the wildly bad acting, dialogue, editing, pacing, and well, everything, stands the idea on it's head. There are several points in this movie where I swear they either forgot to shoot a whole scene, or the entire camera crew was fired and replaced by others who merely picked up where it left off, without noticing what had actually been shot yet. Did Mariah bother to edit her own script, or did she just jot it down on a napkin in between glasses of Cristal ? She has always struck me as someone with a fair amount of intelligence, despite her loathsome music, so she really must have been under a lot of pressure --as she has claimed since--when she flexed her cheeks and gave birth to this. But see it for one of the most wonderfully implausible endings ever, in which Mariah takes a limo straight from a sold out Madison Square Garden show to see her mother in a tiny lil' shack below the Mason-Dixon line. Mariah hasn't seen Moms for twenty years at this point). Awwwwwwwwww!!!

Britney Spears - "Crossroads" (2002)

This was a disappointment. I really wanted it to be so much worse than it was. Unfortunately, it looks like "Citizen Kane" next to the last three. This time the action takes place on the road as three former friends hit the highway o a talent audition in Los Angeles. It's La Brit of course, who is nursing some abandonment issues as well as wanting to get her cherry popped (the former subplot was just an excuse to bring that talentless shrike Kim Catrall into the pic, the latter was a cause for much rejoicing for perverts like me the world over). Additionally, she's accompanied by pregnant White Trash pal Taryn Manning (a decently nuanced performance) and an aspiring Buppie who starts bitchy but shows herself to have her own issues and is lovable at heart, ETC. Sounds ambitious and stupid? It is. Nonetheless, for twelve year olds it probably is a fine movie, with the usual feel good themes of following your dreams, however implausible, sticking with your pals, letting the past go and getting dorked by guys named Anson.

Spice Girls - "Spice World" (1998)

This one is damn near critically acclaimed at this point, and rightfully so. It's a big piece of eye and ear candy, as easy going, cheerful and meaningless as a vintage Beatles movie. There really is no plot as such. It's a gleeful excuse to give Spice fans the world over to see a long form video of their heroines in action. Clever cameos abound and each of the Spicey ones gets her chance to shine. (Although Posh Spice and Sporty Spice have the most appealing screen presences). What can I say? I liked it, despite the glaring lack of backstage lesbian orgies. The movie is so upfront in it's own inherent worthlessness that it is almost impossible to despise. Why didn't someone do this for the Mary Jane Girls?

All titles available from Amazon.com Suitably cheap, too. You can get "The Bodyguard" for $1.94!
- Sascha Gottschalk