|
The Road Hog Dictionary (part
1) |
|
|
You know Tony Slug, right? Amsterdamned's darkest son? Geetar man in the
Hydromatics, Nitwitz, and the Spades? Former Hitlist columnist? Widow
maker? Virgin killer? Yeah, you know 'im. Slug gets around, baby. Mostly
by van. L-O-N-G stretches of highway in weird countries in junky vans fulla
stanky dudes. It gets kinda crazy out there. Hence, this dictionary. I
suppose if it was in alphabetical order it would be more helpful, but
since when was rock n' roll supposed to be helpful? Use it or lose it,
rockers. -Sleaze _________________________________________________________________________ |
|
|
THE NEST - compartment in van where 2
or more may rest or sleep during drives. TO NEST (verb) - "Dude, are you, like, gonna NEST ?" THE PORTAL - Hole through which one can enter/exit the NEST. "Fuck you guys, I'm going through the PORTAL and NEST." "NEST IN PEACE" - What you say to one who has announced he is about to NEST. NEST EGG - a can of beer. "Driver ! Stope here ! We need NEST EGGS" SHELL - Empty NEST EGG. "Dude, we need to clean this shit out, there'sHUNDREDS fuckin NEST EGGS here". .Same as a BAD NEST EGG. "this NEST EGG is BAD, man". YOLK - beer, what's inside a GOOD nest EGG. "Dude, I can dig this YOLK". YOLKER - someone whose physique betrays long term NEST EGG IMBIBAGE. "See that wino on that bench there ? Total YOLKER". |
 |
|
ASS-GUNNER - Homo. "That Promoter was a total assgunner, he tried to hit on me" CLICKS - Kilometers. "360 CLICKS to go.." THE CALYPSO - Band Van. A trustworty vessel. "...when the CALYPSO sets sail for Munich" ROAD BUTT - Sore or painful behind from lengthy drives in uncomfortable position. EMBRYO MODE - (Attempting to) sit or sleep in a crammed up uncomfortable position. Causes ROADBUTT. "...Let me the fuck out ! I was in EMBRYO MODE all day, Goddammit !" HOVERCRAFT MODE - to keep safe distance from suspicious looking toilet seat in public restroom while DROPPING OFF A COUPLE OF BUDDIES BY THE LAKE. "..The bowl is super SMEGGED OUT, so I was in HOVERCRAFT MODE..." THE EMBASSY - McDonalds restaurant FART SACK - Sleeping bag SUMMER CAMP - Youth Hostel accomodation with bunk beds where grown men feel and act like 13 yr. olds RACIAL PURITY TESTING STATION - Any official, government, police, customs, etc. building in Germany POWER DIALING - Series of urgent hone calls with club owners, promotors, record company people, girls, etc. TO FEEL LIKE A RABID MONGOLOID - Feeling queezy/worn-out/baked/stupefied etc. after spending 10 hours a day in a van for several months. NICE GUY DAY - ONE day of the tour, chosen in advance, when all band members (i.e. crew of THE CALYPSO) MUST be overly friendly, nice, helpful and courteous to each other to counterbalance the ungoing stream of insults, abuse, and cussing. BEAR - Any (species of) animal observed during travel (cows, sheep, dogs, are all BEARS except for pigeons which are RATS WITH WINGS) THE RHINE - Any river, canal, lake or body of water U-BOAT COMMANDER - Elderly German person (male) BOILED CHEESE CHOMPIN', SWISS-ARMY KNIFE HOLDING, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING, CHOCOLATE EATING, YODELING, COOCOOCKSCLOCK MAKING SOMBITCH (WHO IS GOING TO GET PUNCHED) - Unfriendly, elderly Swiss person who gives the band wrong directions, presumably on purpose. VAN DECORATION - A SLAPPER's stolen underwear, bra or panties, taken as trophees for display, sniffage and fondleage in the CALYPSO for the remainder of the tour. DETROIT - Norway (a country where blowing up clubs and burning down churches are National pastimes) SLAPPER - (single) female TYRE-SLASHER - Any Norwegian, Jealous boyfriend, nazi skinhead etc. committing acts of sabotage and vandalism against the CALYPSO and/or crew, or anyone presumed capable of doing so. "..The SLAPPERS had TYRE SLASHERS with them.." TO AXE - To ask INTILLIGINT - Intelligent DUMBELL- Someone who shouldn't be AXED an INTILLIGINT question because he or she is incapable of maintaining an INTILLIGINT conversation. ROAD PIZZA - Run over animal on the highway resembling a frisbee ROAD HOG - Certain breed of rock band person, who is used to life on the road and who can experience the most inconceivable hardships and difficulties without being phazed by them. Many ROAD HOGS are foul-mouthed, womanizing, beer-swilling idiots to the outside world. In reality they are merely recycled teebnagers, who re-live their misspent fucked up childhoods. NUMBNUT - Member of band, road crew etc. who is not accustomed to ROADHOG life. Any inexperienced group on the road for the first time who do nothing but complain are A BUNCH OF NUMBNUTS TO NUMBNUT (AROUND) - To forsake one's task, to flake out. "...A whole box of cd's got STOLEN because you DUMBELLS were NUMBNUTTING instead of MERGING !" TO MERGE - (attempt to) sell merchandise at gig HEINZ - Trucker who drives and looks like an asshole. PRESSED HAM - To "moon" people in other cars by pushing the bare behind against one of the CALYPSO's windows. "...Guys !!! HEINZ here gets PRESSED HAM !" HEINZ FASHION FOOTWEAR - Swedish clogs made of wood and cow hide, for sale in any gas station across Europe, favored part of the HEINZ dress code. BAD BAND EXPENSE - paying for gas SLAPPER CITY - Gothenburg, Sweden NARCO-CITY - Amsterdam, Holland. HEAVEN - Spain (a.k.a FUNLAND or LAND OF A 1000 VULVA'S) FRANCE - Best suited target to undergo extensive nuclear bomb testing. Also known as 1000 MILES OF HELL ON THE WAY TO FUNLAND. FROGSPEAK - how French people talk MONEYS - Money OUTDOOR TOILET - Toll booth on the highway (FRENCH) SOMBITCH WHO WANTS OUR MONEYS (BEFORE LETTING US PASS) - Obnoxious employee in OUTDOOR TOILET who charges outrageous sums of cash and refuses to speak anything but FROGSPEAK. HIGHWAY ROBBERY - Official French policy of extorting money from people who are unfortunate enough to have to cross French Territory. PILGRIMAGE - Spanish tour. "...Loader up on BAZOOKA JOE's before we go on PILGRIMAGE.." BAZOOKA JOES - Condoms (very chewey gum) PLUMBING DISASTER - (Any) fountain TO HUMP - Carry gear / instruments 1 HOUR DRIVE - 4 hour drive A GERMAN 10 MINUTES - at least 45 minutes KLAUS NOMI - Weirdo with soprano voice who resembles a human lipstick. The only worthwhile East-German and band mascotte along with ABDUL THE DUCK TO SNAP - To suffer a nervous breakdown and lose self control caused by constant abuse and pressure in combination with regular tour disasters. Same as SNAPPAGE. "...Major SNAPPAGE coming up !" SCANNERS - People on the verge of SNAPPING BERMUDA TRIANGLE - Mysterious location where any items that get lost in the van end up somehow. "I told you, the map is in the BERMUDA TRIANGLE !" CHANEL No. 1 - Travel aroma caused internal (flatulence) or external sources (manure) THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIMES - Gaffer tape (the silver kind) THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIMES, A SCREWDRIVER, A BALLPOINT, AND AN EMPTY BEERCAN - ROADHOG van repair kit DIRECTIONS TO THE CLUB - Something nobody can figure out (or thought of) Next: Part 2 (imagine that!) |
|
| ____________________________________________________________________________________ | |
|
_____________________________________________________________________________________ Home |
|